Joke.

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy? 'A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy? 'Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.' What do you mean you found my sponge? "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'

 

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
we have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from
sex for one whole month.

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
husband
obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?"
the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not
manage to
abstain from sex for the required month".... the young man replied
sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. Well, the first week was
difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The
second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to
abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,
prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal
thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped
it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had
my way with her right then and there." admitted the man,
shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.


"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at
B&Q either."

 

Big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he
would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate
the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded
him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it
for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and
declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag
rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his
mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror
that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was
drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not
remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

 

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700-2300 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, I think that's probably their opening hours".



Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".



RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling

in Australia?"

Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?



Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"



Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'
fell off".



Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".



On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on".



Computer Capers

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"



Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".



This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suingthe Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your
computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too fcuking stupid to own a computer."

 

Be very proud to be British Because:



Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.



Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.



Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.



Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.



NOT TO MENTION...



3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.



142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.



58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.



31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.



19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.



British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.



101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.



18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.



A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.



8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.



And finally.........



In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.



RULE BRITANNIA!!

 

A husband walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for
the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it
tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Monday

 

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

 

> There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The
> toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
>
> A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports
> for her first day promptly at 8:00am. The next day at 8:45am there is a
> knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly
> line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He
> complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
> putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
> men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so
> backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
> they're really beginning to pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains
> of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag
> of small marbles.
>
> The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
> it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
> between Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
> hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm
> sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday". "Your
> job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

 

Who grows potatoes in a garden?

 

Only in Florida can you find a mini license plate for a bike w/ the name Herb on it.
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

ok tomatos then.....

 

i liked the potato joke

 

At a wee little village not too far from Dublin town, at a convent known as Our Lady of Perpetual Indulgence, the Mother Superior was sitting at her writing desk in the big study on the south side of the building, just overlooking the chapel, the sight of which she found to be especially calming when she was working on the books for the convent -- because, y'know, even a convent has its expenses to keep up -- and tonight was one of those nights, it having been a particularly long and trying day.

As Mother Superior sat there working on her account books -- by the way, did I mention her full name was Sister Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolihan of the southern O'Hoolihans and the northern Fitzgeralds? -- when these two little leprechauns appeared on her desk. There was a big ol' *leprechaun*, just about knee high to a bottle of Guiness, and there was a little *leprechaun*, looking like a very short drink indeed. They were dressed all in green, of course, with high boots and buckles, and little green hats and felt tunics and gherkins and all the other accourtrements.

The little *leprechaun* was a-laughin' and a-gigglin' like he'd swallowed a dandelion. The bigger *leprechaun*, although he really wasn't that big at all, looked rather uncomfortable, to say the least. In fact, he was looking quite red-faced and embarrassed.

Well, the Mother Superior was quite surprised to see the two little leprechauns on her desk. Yes, indeed. Wouldn't you be surprised to have strange little men materializing in your house? But, to give the lady her due, she reacted as calmly as can be expected under the circumstances. After all, Catholics are used to the occasional miracle.

The little *leprechaun*, he's pokin' the big one, he's sayin' "Go ahead, Shaughnessy -- ask her... ask her!" The big one, the uncomfortable-looking one, he hushes the little one impatiently, and he steps forward as politely as he can. He takes his hat off his head, he gives a little bow and he says, "Beggin' your pardon, Mother Superior. I know it's late, and I know it's the Lord's day, but might I be troublin' you for a wee little moment of your time?"

The Mother Superior was very impressed by the *leprechaun's* politeness, so she said to him, "What can I do for ye, little man?"

The *leprechaun* took a polite step forward and said, "Could ye be tellin' me now, if it's not too much trouble, how many *leprechaun* nuns do ye have in this convent?"

The Mother Superior blinked in surprise and said, "I've never been asked such a question before. To be perfectly honest, I'm sorry, we don't have any *leprechaun* nuns in this convent at all."

Well, the little *leprechaun* thought this was so funny, he fell down on the desktop, laughing and giggling and clutching his sides like his heart might burst. He rolled back and forth and nearly kicked over the Mother Superior's ink-bottle. "You see?" he said. "You see! I told ye... I told ye!"

The big *leprechaun* was not very happy with this answer, and he was even less happy with the little *leprechaun's* amusement. He jerked the little *leprechaun* roughly to his feet, slapped him roughly and said, "Hush with ye, Jamie, or I'll give ye such a thump upside yer head. I'm not through with me askin'."

And he turned back to the Mother Superior and said, "In that case, if I might be troublin' ye for one question more. Surely you must know, it doesn't have to be an exact figure, but could ye be tellin' me how many *leprechaun* nuns there are in all of Eire, the Emerald Isle?"

The Mother Superior thought a bit, this was a much harder question to answer, and she said: "Well, I have done a bit of travelin' for the Arch-Diocese, so I have been to a fair number of convents up and down the coast. I'm so sorry to disappoint ye, little man, but I've never met a *leprechaun **nun* anywhere in Eire, never even heard of one. No, I'd have to guess that there aren't any *leprechaun* nuns at all anywhere in all of Ireland."

Well, this response was so funny to Jamie, the little *leprechaun*, that he just purely toppled right off the edge of the desk and into the Mother Superior's waste-basket, where he lay there gigglin' like a drunken cityman. "I told ye," he said. "I told ye." The big *leprechaun* stepped to the edge of the desk and looked down at him and said, "Hush with ye, Jamie, or I'll give ye a taste of me shilleleagh." And he did, as soon as the little *leprechaun* had composed himself enough to climb back up onto the desk.

Now, the big *leprechaun* was looking very upset. In fact, sweat was pouring off his brow, and he fingered his collar nervously. He turned back to the Mother Superior, Sistery Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolihan, and he said, "Might I be troublin' ye for one more question, Mother Superior. Could ye be tellin' me -- how many *leprechaun* nuns are there in all of the Holy Roman Empire? In the Catholic Church, worldwide, under all of the Lord's great skies, ye don't have to be accurate -- a ballpark guesstimate will do -- could ye be tellin' me, how many *leprechaun* nuns are there in the world?"

Now it was the Mother Superior's turn to look unhappy. She said, "Look, little man, I've tried very hard to be polite with ye. I've tried very hard not to hurt your feelin's. But the hard truth of the matter is this: there aren't any *leprechaun* nuns anywhere in the entire world. I've never in my life heard of such a thing. No. And I, certainly, would have heard of a *leprechaun* *nun*, if such a thing existed. It just doesn't exist. There are no nuns that are leprechauns. There are no leprechauns that are nuns. None. There are no *leprechaun* nuns at all. Period. None at all."

At this news, Jamie the littlest *leprechaun* was so beside himself with hilarity and amusement that he wet his very pants. He poked the big *leprechaun* sharply in the ribs and he said, "Y'see, Shaugnessy? I told ye!
Ye, stupid coot, YE FOCKED A *PENGUIN*!!"

 

What's Irish and stays outside all night?





Patty O'Furniture

 

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

 

An old couple were getting ready for a night of bingo. The old lady was looking in the mirror and said to the husband, why are you with me? He said what do you mean? The old lady said just look at me I am falling apart, I have bags under my eyes, wrinkles all over my face my tits hang to my waist, my arms are flabby and my ass looks like a golf ball, I have just fallen apart and I cant see why you are with me. The old man replied "well because I love you". The old lady said " how can you love someone who looks like me", just tell me one good feature I have. The old man replied "For one thing your eyesight is perfect"!

 

LOL!

 

The Sixties...

Back in the swinging sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren. All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father’?" "Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "as long
as she does the rest of the band, too." "Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles. "Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?" The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the face! "Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls





(You're gonna love this)





(Wait for it)







"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

 

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"