Joke.

Nah, just tell us where you get all the nice leg photos.

(Ever wonder how many medieval knights dug up a brontosaur bone and said, "Look at the size of the dragon I slayed!"?)

 

A helicopter carrying oilfield workers out to a platform in the North Sea goes down. As soon as the chopper hits the water the passengers panic and start pushing out all the windows and emergency exits. The pilot hollers back, "Gentlemen, please remain calm! Stay with the helicopter! It is designed to float!" One of the blokes throws the inflatable raft out the door and shouts, "Screw you, Mate, it's designed to fly too!"

 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"


The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"


The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor." No, from skipping."

 

Say these following lines really fast and watch yourself burst into laughter:

1. "Susie, Susie sitting in the shoe shine shop,
All day long she sits and shines,
All day long she shines and sits".

2. "Polish it in the corner".

3. "Humphrey Hunchback had a hundred hedgehogs,
If Humphrey Hunchback had a hundred hedgehogs,
Then where's the hundred hedgehogs that Humphrey Hunchback
had".

 

After her fifth child, Carol decided that she should have some cosmetic
surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - cos her
gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out
fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five
children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck
there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot, rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm
a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks" "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Carol
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!". "Brilliant!" said Carol. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

 

STILL LOL

Can't imagine telling it in female company though

 

New words for 2005
TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going
on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may
be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
"administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
GOING FOR A McSH*T - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention
of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply
staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
afterwards is known as a McSh*t with Lies.
BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you
live, how you got here, and where you've come from.
BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of
drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the
toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the
night.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from
the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often
wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely
impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in
there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
"Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while
you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when
you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves
a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman.

 

LOL

 

I ran out of good materiel about 2 weeks ago

 

Congress.

 

Uproar in Court today. Michael Jackson has sacked his chinese lawyer as he feels he may be prejudicial to his case.

Mr.Poke Em Yung didn't understand why he thought this.

 

Here's a good read, http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2792 Quite a few pages of jokes with realistic endings such as:


A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''

The bear replies, ''I guess I will have a soda instead.''

So the bear and the bartender talk over nonalcoholic drinks all night about the reality of interspecies communication.

 

OK,OK you guys ready for this one?!





I had a dream I was a car last night......

















I woke up exhausted!


(Ba Dum Chhhhh)


Beat that you Brits

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods...

 

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"

The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

 

It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"