The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. Look ! she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
The difference between "guts" and "balls" ! Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?" Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, Perhaps you should hear how all this came about... I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didnt suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then, just as she was about to leave, she asked, Is there anything else your wife doesnt use anymore?
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known anaproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of "mycoxafloppin". Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.
What did one condom say to the other as they were standing outside the gay bar? Let's go inside and get sh*t faced.
Vaseline A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
> > One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. > > Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What > setting > > do I use on the washing machine?" > > "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" > > He yelled back, "University of North Carolina." > > And they say blondes are dumb... > > _______________________ > > A couple is lying in bed. > > The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" > > The woman says, "I'll miss you..." > > _______________________ > > "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of > the > > shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed > the > > lawn like this?" > > "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. > > _______________________ > > He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to > you > > really badly. > > She said - Well, you succeeded. > > ______________________ > > He said - "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" > > She said - "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board > > while I sit on the sofa and fart." > > _______________________ > > He said - "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave > you?" > > She said - "Turn sideways and look in the mirror." > > ______________________ > > Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? > > A: A rumor > > _______________________ > > A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th > wedding > > anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that > > because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them > > a very special wish. > > The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. > > Whoosh! > > Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. > > The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.. > > Whoosh... > > immediately he turned ninety!!! > > Gotta love that fairy! > > __________________ > > AND THE BEST ONE YET... > > A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: > > * She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. > > * Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. > > * Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. > > * Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. > > * And her husband is on the back of the milk carton > > __________________ > > A PRAYER.... > > Dear Lord, > > I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; > > Love to forgive him; > > And Patience for his moods. > > Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, > > I'll beat him to death. > > AMEN >
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy. "The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the fu*k up.
Every week, four friends would meet to play golf at their favorite country club. They were from all walks of life, consisting of a Doctor, a Priest, a Lawyer and an Engineer. One afternoon as they were teeing up on the 7th hole, the course ranger approached them and said, "Excuse me fellows. Would you mind letting this single player play through? He was blinded in a car accident a few years ago and I am assisting him in his round of golf." The Priest in the foursome was very moved by the tragedy of the accidental blindness as well as the golfer's determination to keep playing golf despite his disability and said "That would be fine with me. I am so sorry about his blindness, I must say a special mass next Sunday so that the Lord will consider this fellow and cure his blindness. Of course he can play through." The Doctor joined in and said "I agree, the poor fellow is welcome to play through. I am also going to devote some of my medical research to finding a cure for his blindness." The Lawyer enthusiastically said "That is indeed a tragedy, I would be happy to let him play through. In addition, I would be happy to represent him for free in a lawsuit against the person who caused the accident so that he may recover something for his suffering." The Engineer just stood there with a scowl on his face. When he noticed that everyone was looking at him for his approval to let the blind golfer play through, he said "Why can't he play at night?" John
A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?" Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Okay....exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh*t out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?" The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?" The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Sorry all - I'm a retard. Might be a MUCH funnier joke if you put the freakin punchline in. I'll put a post it on my forehead not to copy/paste jokes late at night, as I'm obviously not capable of doing it without messing it up. Mods want to delete/edit that sorry excuse for a joke so nobody has to sit at their computer scratching their heads saying the same thing?
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