Little TonyH was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If you had $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "One helluva good time," TonyH grinned, "and $50 leftover for you!"
A Scientist went to a brain store to get some brains to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to ask questions about the cost of these brains. "How much does it cost for engineer brain?" the Scientist asks. "Three dollars an ounce." "How much does it cost for programmer brain?" the Scientist asks. "Four dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" the Scientist asks. "$1,000 an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" the Scientist asks. "Do you know how many lawyers we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a female patron. He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating too". She clinked glasses with him and said, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For months all my hens were infertile but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence," the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant. How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched cocks." he replied. "What a coincidence," she said...
Love dress A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?" I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies the mom. When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!" Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction: "Honey, what are you doing?" she give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you think of it?" Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it!"
Can't remember if this is a repost but: INFLATABLE DOLL............. A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male or female?" "Female, please." "Would you like Black or White?" "White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!" "Well," explained the assistant, "the Muslim one blows itself up!"
"When you see this cloud formation on your way out the door in the morning, turn around, go back home, and climb back in bed." YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY!!! Image Unavailable, Please Login
THE OIL SHORTAGE A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. ~~~ Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~ We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~ Our OIL is located in ~~~ Alaska California Oklahoma and TEXAS ~~~ ~~~ Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear." With that she strips naked from the waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought you were watching the dice!"
As long as I can make your day better Steve - I have to admit, I got an awful lot of chuckles catching up through this whole thread reading all you posted, so I feel I need to give back as much as I can remember, and post anything new coming my way - esp. since we seem to have become the sole contributors
Jason and his wife from South Florida and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at Jason and winks at him, Jason gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Sexual Harassment Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
