Joke.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

 

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

 

Some good ones Joshua!

 

LMAO some brilliant stuff there Josh.

 

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside during recess one day, she asked, "Little Steve, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," Steve replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you," Steve said.

"But Steve," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," Steve said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber when i poke you."

 

Thank you, oh master of the Joke thread. I just realized that I have 19 pages worth in a Word document I started compiling years ago. I'll slowly add more stuff as we go along.

 

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

 

ROTFLMAO!!! (with tears in my eyes!!)

 

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."

 

Leaving Colorado For Minnestota, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:

"Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

"So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

"Well, I'm going back to Minnesota..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

 

We aim to please

 

LMAO Brilliant

 

In his new business venture Steve was in quandary.
Things were not going as great as expected. He had to fire somebody.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Tina or Jack. It
was an impossible decision, Jack was a super worker....and Tina was his HOTTEST employee (well he only had 2 employees).


Rather than flip a coin, Steve decided he would fire the first one who used the
water cooler the next morning.


Tina came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over
after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take
an aspirin.


The boss, Steve, approached her and said: "Tina,
I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."


To which Tina replied "Would you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like
kra*p right now."

 

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
You had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you
Came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked
Your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate
In two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You
don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either
you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
You and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far
Cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut
Off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You
Look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't
Say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten
Me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
Price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
Work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million
dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
You were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that
You wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

 

ROFL - good one!

 

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Steve holds up his hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Steve," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.

"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Jason puts up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Jason," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Matteo shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

 

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?








None. Let the bit*h do the ironing in the dark.

 

Why do Blonde's drive B.M.W.'s?









Because they can't spell Ferrari.

 

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

 

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

 

LMAO I have tears running down my face

 

Two lawyers were eating in a fancy restaurant. A beautiful young woman walked seductively by their table. The first lawyer looked longingly as she passed, commenting, “Boy, would I like to screw her!” The second lawyer paused and said, “Out of what?”

 

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f**k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

 

oh wow! *speechless*