Your Children: Are You Pushing Them to Overachieve?

We've been going through this for a while, my kids are 7 and 10. My oldest is a soccer fanatic, and decided last year that he wanted to play club soccer. Club is a huge commitment, both time and money, and we made him make a decision. He could either play club, or continue in a rec league and also play basketball, do boy scouts, etc. He chose the club route. We didn't want to stretch him too thin, and we see a LOT of parents doing it. Our team goalie plays soccer, baseball, basketball, and takes guitar lessons. They have NO free time, and frequently have to pick between one or the other. They also have another kid that is just as busy, and both parents work.

My youngest is still doing everything under the sun, but he's young enough that it isn't taken too seriously yet. He's doing soccer, basketball, and football. Pretty soon he's going to have to make a decision also.

More important to us, is how they're doing in school. If their grades drop, their activities will drop also. No sport is that important to us. The good news is, both kids are in the gifted program and we only had one B on the last batch of report cards. Strangely, the kids that are doing every possible activity, don't seem to excel in school. Coincidence? I don't think so.

 

The details of my life are quite inconsequential...

Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.

 

The thing is that now so many parents push their kids so hard, it's hard to stand out from the crowd. Most parents don't realize that making their kids do 10,000 different activities will actually make them just like the other kids. What they have to do is make sure you get good grades and SUPER-overachieve in just one or two activities so that you actually do stand out and can go to a good college.

So to get from high school to college I had to have 4 things:
a) perfect grades in honors courses (I ended up getting 2 B's but I was still the valedictorian, how lame is that)
b) at least some community service and a job
c) superoverachievement in 1 or 2 activities, piano and computer programming for me
d) and the ability to write a good application essay

My 5 cents. Sorry if I mentioned anything somebody else said earlier, I only read the first few replies

 

I see so many kids that aren't pushed and whose lives are gonna end up like **** (and adversely affect myself because of this) I can't say that on the whole child are being pushed too hard.

Academic achievement in this country is pathetic, the level of apathy is astounding. There is a reason that China will overtake the US.

 

True, baby steps. But to think that the US isn't going to be overtaken by them is just shortsighted. I wouldn't be surprised in an absolutely massive wealth transfer to China & India over the next 30 years.

 

For what it's worth, here is my take.

I have two daughters. Both play college soccer.

Both were allowed to play whatever sports they wanted but only one at a time. Example: If soccer season and softball season overlapped, they had to choose one or the other. Both were required to maintain at least a "B" average. No excuses, no exceptions. If they got a "C", they were removed from sports until the grade was brought back up. A "B" is not an unreasonable demand. All kids can maintain a "B" average with a little dedication.

I was a professional soccer coach so naturally soccer was a priority. I never demanded that they play anything, especially soccer. But if they chose to play a sport I expected them to approach the sport as being important. If there was practice that interfered with another non-school related function (ie. birthday party, sleep over, etc), they had to go to practice. If practice was worth less than to them than social functions, then they needed to quit the sport so that their coaches could find someone that did want to be there.

As it turned out, both loved soccer and excelled at the State and National level. My youngest, who plays college soccer in Florida, chose to not play soccer in high school because she wanted to have more free time to have fun in high school. She focused on Club soccer and had fun in high school. My oldest was obsessed with soccer and devoted her entire teen-age years to her sport. She played Club, High School for two years until her State Team obligations forced her to choose between the two. She was a Regional Team player and played in the ODP National Championships for North Texas. She played Club ball for the Dallas Sting while we live in Lubbock. She flew to Dallas by herself 3 times a week for practice and games. After graduation she was recuited by some of the top programs in the nation. She did all this because it was what she wanted to do. All I did was pay the bills and drive the car on road trips.

I was demanding in that I demanded that they take responsibility for their sport. I demanded a minimum grade standard. I always demanded that they honor their commitments.

Some would say I was pretty demanding, but it has been my experience in coaching that you only get what you demand. If you demand little, that's exactly what you get.

I wouldn't change a thing.

 

As some one that is on the ground in China, let me tell you the biggest issue China is going to face is a lack of middle managers.

There is a cultural gap, you don't want the older workers that grew up under the planned economy trying to make decisions. The younger ones are smart, but don't know how to put it all together.

It's going to be a while. Remember, Korea hasn't taken over the world yet and they have strong middle managers...

 

Back on topic, I was born in Canada and moved to the USA as a kid. Both parents were born in Europe, so I was raised as a hybrid rather than "100% apple pie eating football playing" American kid. The only sport I actually lettered in was bowling (but knew better than to buy the jacket).

I think things have turned out okay for me.

 

Just wondering, not implying anything at all, but playing sports so much that they are a central focus is only fruitful for the top 1% that go on to play porfessional, and the avg pro only lasts about 5 yrs. And pretty soon, these former athletes have to join the rat race as they had low (but academically eligable) grades and majored in communications or phys ed.

Personally, I think kids are better served by solely sticking to education and other worthwhile along with the college atmospher rather than devote most of their time and energy into sports. However, if the kid has clear talent like lebron james or reggie bush (it feels good being a trojan, Fight On), than professional sports star is a reality.

 

I'm taken aback by some of the response posted here. I figured most of you, even though everyone has their own opinion, would be more open-minded to different variations of child-raising.

Me: I was raised very freely - no rules, just experience. I've recently had an epiphany and realized why it's most likely the reason for me staying out of trouble - my parents spent a LOT of time with me. There was always a family member around me and my mom would always choose to take me out over anything else. It's sort of sad/weird, but I couldn't recall a time when both my parents went out together, by themselves. They'd always be with either my brother or me.

In addition to that, my mom always listened to me. This had to have been the biggest thing. I didn't realize until now how much that helps. When you give the power of responsibilty and the idea of important to a child, I believe it drastically helps them in making decision - I'm talking about BIG decisions as well, kinds that I wouldn't even let my kids make (most likely)!

Anyways, everyone's different. There's no magic formula and I don't know exactly how my child will think, which makes me reconsider ever having one. I'm sure that it will be a great thing to have a child, but I have doubts about what kind of role model I have to be to instill good decision-making/responsibilty/character instead of FORCING it. Every kids that I grew up with that had more rules than me always ended up worse. It was almost perfectly correlated - even with chores. I never had chores to do, but I did more than other kids.

I think it's important to not push. Obviously it's my opinion, but I would bet that the more you push and the less you 'teach', the worse the result(s). Give your child a chance and impose responsibilty as soon and as much as possible, and I guarantee you will have an overachiever.

--My two cents.

 

My girls were under no delusions about playing professionally after college. What soccer provided was substantial scholarships that allowed them the opportunity to get a high quality college education for practically nothing, and the opportunity to continue to play competitive soccer, which they love, for four more years.

Both will graduate with college educations that will allow them to enter the rat race with a quality education and no student loans.

I see no down side

 

I'm not sure I see the pressure to be Bill Gates. There's pressure to spend like an idiot, but not really to have the money to justify it.

 

Remember the comments in "The Incredibles" about finding new ways to celebrate mediocrity?

If you want to consider pressure, remember that there are a few things that today's youth *don't* have:

- Spankings
- IQ tests
- Chores
- Push (non-powered) lawn mowers

Imagine getting a whuppin' for bringing home a "B" -- because the IQ test said you should be smart.

Imagine having to mow a lawn with a push-operated mower. Imagine getting a power (but not self-propelled) mower so you could mow not only your own lawn, but your grandparents' too. And having to maintain it yourself. (Engines 101: Briggs & Stratton)

Consider past generations that had to chop firewood, or plow the south 40 after school.

It's not the volume of activities, it's the regimented structure, pushing everyone into the same mold.

 

I know there's a ballance.
I was not pushed at all but expected to pull my load and did. Sometimes I wish there had been further expectations, direction, and encouragement.
A nephew of mine was driven and directed from the get go. For 15 years he Excelled then all of a sudden "quit". Dyed his hair purple and sat on his but for 10 years. He's starting to come around again.
My son excells at school and sports because of a combination of internal drive and my wifes and my guidance and expectations. We are so lucky.
Expect nothing and you will not be dissapointed.

 

If I joined I had to stay the entire season, no quitting. My parents had no illusions of me getting a sports scholarship. My father made it a point to inform me the reason he never made any of my games was he was busying working to pay for my upcoming college education.

I lost interest in organized sports when our school began a ski club. It was great, no practicing all week like baseball or soccer required.

 

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad subsequently moved out of the country. I was raised by my mom who had pretty much no interest in anything I did because I was a "good kid" and pretty smart. She drove me to practices occasionally but tended to be a bit more interested in going out at night than being interested in my life.

As such I am pretty much the opposite of what happens when parents relentlessly push their kids. I pushed myself all through sports and school. I did what I was interested in and nothing more.

Obviously this is a bit of an extreme case but because of this I am going to push my kids. Not completely over the top, but I definitely want them to develop some sense of hard work and dedication to success that will help them later in their lives.

This is coming from my perspective as a college student. I was always sort of smart, but never knew what it took to get into a REALLY good school. I just kind of figured that I would show up, get a 1600 on the SAT and go to Harvard.

It wasn't until late in my junior year of high school that I realized how naive I was. I showed up, didn't get a 1600 (although I still did well) and got into a top 20 school instead of a top 5 school (I go to Rice University).

Growing up I did what amounted to the bare minimum to get by with my standards of the time (basically all A's in the toughest classes available). Luckily (or unluckily) for me this was very easy.

I became an extreme procrastinator because there was never any pressure on me. I would put huge projects off until the early hours of the morning the night before they were due. I would study in the period before my test was to be given.

I was able to succeed, but this habit of laziness and procrastination has stuck with me to this day. It is extremely hard for me to actually quit messing around and actually focus on doing something. I am distracted pretty easily and would almost always rather be doing something else - regardless of what it is.

Another thing that is big for me is sports. I come from a family where athletics are not stressed a huge amount, but they are definitely in the picture.

My grandfather was one of the best high school basketball players in the state and played college ball at WVU. He coached high school sports as a teacher until he retired. My father played baseball and basketball at UNC Wilmington. My uncle played football at WVU. My mother was a gymnast at WVU.

I am naturally very athletic and played everything growing up. I always figured I would be playing sports. But when it came down to it just playing in the local leagues wasn't enough to make me become more than "good" at any one particular sport. I could have excelled in wrestling, baseball, or golf if I would have had the push from my parents for success.

Now that I am in college I am friends with a lot of athletes and it is one of my biggest regrets that I am not playing college athletics. Not to mention that if I would have played a sport enough to excel in it I probably would have been able to make it into one of the previously mentioned top 5 schools in order to play sports.

Alas, there is not much I can do about any of these things now. I have to do the best I can to continue to try to do my best at whatever it is I am doing. I believe that there are parents who push their kids to do too much, but I also know that not developing a sense of drive and desire for success and internal motivation in your kids is something that is very harmful to their development.