Joke.

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "fuck me! Can it whistle as well?"

 

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

 

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

 

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

 

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a Ferrari.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the Ferrari began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

 

BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels "duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

 

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHlT). We take pride in the amount of SHlT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHlT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHlT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHlT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Management

 

This man's wife was always complaining about the lack of a mirror in her bedroom. She wanted one for the back of her door so that she could use it for dressing. He decided that he would surprise her with one for her birthday and he wanted to find the perfect complement for the rest of the furniture in their bedroom. He searched and searched, but with no success. He just happened by an antiques store and saw the "perfect" gift. It was an ornate antique mirror that was perfect for their room! He asked the salesperson how much it was. $500 was her reply. He gasped and asked why it was so expensive. She replied that it was a "magic" mirror that had been rescued from an old mansion in town. She explained that if you made up a rhyme in front of it...that your wish would come true. Thinking that this was an embellishment in order to inflate the price, the man wanted to contradict the salesperson and make her an offer. She would have none of it, and stould by her story, insisting that it was indeed true. He knew how happy his wife would be and knowing that he would be "rewarded" hansomely when she saw it, he bought it. When he took the mirror home and hung it for his wife...she was ecstatic! But, why was it so expensive she asked? He told her that if she made up a rhyme in front of it, that it would come true. Try it, he said, what do you have to lose. She said, "Mirror mirror on the door, make my tits 44." Immediately her tits grew to 44. The man was dumbfounded and pushed his wife out of the way. He said, "Mirror mirror on the door make my d**k touch the floor. His legs fell off.

 

Dateline: Redmond, Washington

Micro$oft corporation has filed suit against Osama Bin Laden, Al Queda, and persons to be named later for the postal anthrax incidents.

It appears that sending a virus through the mail is copyrighted to Outlook Express.

 

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.

"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."

 

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the curious bartender asks him, "Every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket, why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I'll go home."

 

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

 

Jokes are funny. Reposts are less funny. Stick with the funniest.

 

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

She replied, "You may select any prize from the bottom self."

 

Same freakin' page repost. LOL! Steve.........*shakes my head*.....alright...I give up. Back to the funnies.

 

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides
on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a
great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the
blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front
of them. They all had white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time
downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a
driver!"

 

I love to annoy

 

A man, a cat, and an ostrich walk into a bar. They sit down and the man offers to buy a round of beer. "Sure," says the cat, "That'd be nice but you know I'm not buying you one in return."

"Fine," says the man and goes to buy three beers. They drink and talk for a while until they finish their beer and then the ostrich asks if they'd like another. "Please," says the cat, "But there's no way I'm gonna pay for any later on."

The ostrich orders three beers and they sit and drink and talk for a bit longer. When the time for the next time comes around the man and the ostrich both look at the cat expectantly.

"No way," says the cat. "I made it damn clear that I'm not paying for any beer...you want more, you'll have to pay."

Sighing, the man gets up and asks for three more beers. The bartender, who is obviously confused asks the man, "What's going on?"

"Well," says the man, "I found an old lamp a few years back and I gave it a rub and this genie comes out, says he'll give me anything I wish for. But I'm not sure he really understood...I asked for a tall bird with a tight pussy."--

 

A guy walks into a bar without a dime to his name, convinced that he can persuade the bartender to buy him a drink. He tells the bartender that he is flat broke but if the bartender buys him a drink, he will perform an amazing trick for him.

The bartender asks the guy what kind of trick he will perform and the guy tells him that he will fart the national anthem. The bartender doesn't believe him but the man is persistent, so the bartender agrees.

The guy then tells him that since he needs to take his pants down in order to do the trick and he doesn't want anyone else to see him, he wants to wait until no one else is in the bar. The bartender understands his concerns and when the bar clears out the guy prepares to do his trick.

He takes his pants down and starts straining until all of the veins in his neck are bulging and has an accident on the floor. The bartender comes out from behind the bar as mad as a hornet, grabs the guy by his shirt and starts to toss him out of his bar.

The guy is holding up his pants with his hands, pleading for sympathy and another chance from the bartender and crys out, "hey, even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat."

 

This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady. She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.

She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john. "Very funny," she said when he returned.

He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one." Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my own ear."

She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.

He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town. A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."

He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"

 

A man, a cat, and an ostrich walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "What is this?, some kind of joke?".

 

Short but really funny.

 

A couple of airplane mechanics are kicked out of the local bar and, with no place else to go, end up in the hangar at LAX. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel--that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So they get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great--NO hangover!

The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!"

And the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?"

And he says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff--no hangover. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing. Did you fart yet?"

"No."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I did and now I'm in Denver."

 

I've been reading this thread for a while now and have past it on to others to view. It's Great. Here is my first contribution.

2 gay men sitting in a bar and one turns to the other and asks his friend if he wants to play fart football. The 2nd man agrees and awaits the rules. The 1st man tells him you get 10 yards for each fart and you always start on the 50 yard line at the start of the game or after a touchdown. The first guy slams down a couple beers pulls down his pants and farts 3 times. The 2nd guys slams down a couple beers pulls down his pants and farts an amazing 9 times to score a touchdown. He then asks the 1st guy Now What? The 1st gay man tells him he has to fart one more time within 15 seconds to get the extra point. So the 2nd gay man pulls his pants down to fart for the extra point and all of a sudden the 1st man sticks his pe*is in his ass and screams BLOCKED.

Thank you for all your contributions and keep up coming.

Dan

 

LOL