Joke.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her
cuddle her
kiss her
caress her
love her
stroke her
tease her
comfort her
protect her
hug her
hold her
spend money on her
wine & dine her
buy things for her
listen to her
care for her
stand by her
support her
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.

 

steve steve...LOL...just keep all of em comin dude...ur really makin my day over here...cheers! i like the cabbie one the best...

 

OK mate.



A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

 

A gentleman is sitting on a deserted beach watching the sunset when he notices something half buried in the sand. He pulls it out and sees that it is a heavy, jewel encrusted bottle. As he brushes off the sand, the bottle begins to shake and emit various colored clouds of smoke, then...POOF! A Genie appears from out of the bottle.

The Genie lavishes praise on the man, regales him with his story, and finally gets around to the 'you have three wishes' part of the tale.

So the guy thinks about it for awhile and says "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and afraid to go on a boat, so for my first wish I want a highway from here to Hawaii".

The Genie at first is amazed at the character of the man and ask instead if he would not want "all the money... fame... glory... vast amounts of property... yadda yadda.

Nope, wish one is for the highway.

The Genie tells him that doing something like that borders almost on the impossible. The time, resources, and energy required to fulfill such a wish would most likely leave the Genie drained for thousands of years...is there something else, anything - even wishing for more wishes - that he might want?

The man again pauses and thinks for awhile then says "Well, I have always wanted to understand women"

The Genie replies, "So this highway, did you want two lanes or four"?

 

Unable to attend his father's funeral, a son who lived far away called his brother who lived near his father.

"Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

The next month, he got bill for $200.00, which he paid. But the next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, assuming it was some incidental expense.

But when the third month yet another bill for $200.00 arrived, he finally called his brother to see what was going on.

"Well," said the brother, "you said 'do something nice for Dad.' So I did.I rented him a tuxedo!"

 

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

 

What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?









When they remove half the brain.

 

Willy was reading his morning paper as usual when he saw a photo of notably dumb football player and his girl friend, a beautiful young actress.

He looked over the paper at his wife and said, "Why is it the biggest shmucks get the most attractive wives?"

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear!"

 

Mr. Larsen's new secretary was young, sweet, and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. She didn't want to embarrass him, so she waited until she was leaving his office before saying, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

The remark confused him until he happened to look down and see his open zipper. He decided to have some fun. Calling her in, he asked, "Miss Jones,when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

Miss Jones smiled demurely. "Why no, sir. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"

 

Couples Golf



A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey, and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

To which she replied, "Listen *******, don't ***** at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

 

Since their wedding day three years earlier, Cindy had been nagging Bill to tell her about his past. "Come on, tell me," she pressed. "Just how many women have you slept with?"

"Honey, if I told you, you'd just get mad."

"No, I won't. I promise. Please, tell me."

"Well, okay. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, you, seven, eight...."

 

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

 

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

 

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience.
The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unplug it.

 

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket.

Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d**k underneath the horse, instead of on top."

 

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I' l l help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leperechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

 

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
















Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

 

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

 

Above the urinal, written on the wall:
Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand!

 

Malcolm brilliant mate keep them coming

Brian they were great.

 

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor tells him to drop his pants, examines him for just a moment, and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him across his ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. When he returns, he says, "Doc, I feel great! What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your butt with those old cement bags!"

 

A husband came home from work and his wife slapped him. "What was that about?" he cried.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants last night with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said, steaming. "You'd better have a damned good explanation."

"Calm down, honey," he replied. "Remember last week when I went to the races? Mary Lou was one of the horses I bet on, that's all."

The next day when he came home from work, his wife slapped him again.

"Now what?" he cried.

"This morning, your horse called!"

 

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

 

Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

"Hey lady!" yelled Larry. "Throw me the cat!"

"No!" she cried. "It's too far!"

"I play football, I can catch him!"

The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to the street.

Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one- handed catch. The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth, then spiked the cat into the pavement.

 

Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.

"Joe," Bill said, "I'm glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house."

"Things have been different with my wife," Joe said. "In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss."

"How did you do that?" asked Bill.

"I simply said to her, 'Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship'."

"What happened?"

"Well, I don't want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees."

"How did you do that?"

"I was hiding under the bed at the time."