Joke. | Page 80 | FerrariChat

Joke.

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by Fan512bbi, Jan 15, 2005.

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  1. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Mar 25, 2004
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    It's Father O'Brien's night to hear confessions, and there are four nuns in the lineup. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I should let you know right off that I touched a man with my finger!"

    "Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you could have been in a crowded elevator or some similar place," the priest says.

    "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I touched him right on his private parts!" >

    "You slut! You filthy tart!" screams the good father. "Say a hundred Hail Mary's and dip your finger in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she does.

    The second nun enters the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I want to say that I held a man with my hand."

    "Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you might have stumbled and he lent you a hand," the priest says.

    "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I held his private parts right in my hand!"

    "Why you slut! You whore!" roars the good Father. "Say a thousand Hail Mary's and dip your hand in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she did.

    At this point, the fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me sister, but would you mind terribly if I went ahead of you?"

    "Now why would you be wantin' to do that, I wonder?" asks the third nun.

    To which the fourth nun replies, "Well, it looks as if I'm going to have to gargle with the holy water, and I want to do so before you sit in it!"
     
  2. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    It's Father O'Brien's night to hear confessions, and there are four nuns in the lineup. The first nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I should let you know right off that I touched a man with my finger!"

    "Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you could have been in a crowded elevator or some similar place," the priest says.

    "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I touched him right on his private parts!" >

    "You slut! You filthy tart!" screams the good father. "Say a hundred Hail Mary's and dip your finger in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she does.

    The second nun enters the confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, and I want to say that I held a man with my hand."

    "Oh lass! 'Tis nothin', you might have stumbled and he lent you a hand," the priest says.

    "Oh no, Father!" exclaims the nun. "I held his private parts right in my hand!"

    "Why you slut! You whore!" roars the good Father. "Say a thousand Hail Mary's and dip your hand in the holy water on the way out of the church!" Which she did.

    At this point, the fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me sister, but would you mind terribly if I went ahead of you?"

    "Now why would you be wantin' to do that, I wonder?" asks the third nun.

    To which the fourth nun replies, "Well, it looks as if I'm going to have to gargle with the holy water, and I want to do so before you sit in it!"
     
  3. Modenafan

    Modenafan F1 World Champ
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    Dec 19, 2004
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    Jon
    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to every one's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his a$$, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his a$$, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his a$$, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to **** out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
     
  4. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

    Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

    So, the man in the boat drove off.

    The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

    Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

    The person in the boat then left.

    The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

    Jim said, "That's okay."

    The woman said, "Are you sure?"

    Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

    Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

    Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

    God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
     
  5. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

    The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

    Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

    The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
     
  6. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
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    A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where
    the driver and passenger had been killed. As he
    looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out
    of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
    The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I
    wish you could talk."

    The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his
    head up and down.
    "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the
    officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and
    down. "Well, did you see this?"

    "Yes," motioned the monkey.

    "What happened?"

    The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and
    turned it up by his mouth.
    "They were drinking?" asked the officer.

    "Yes!" the monkey motioned.

    "What else?"

    The monkey pinched his fingers together and held
    them to his mouth.
    "They were smoking marijuana?"

    "Yes." the monkey confirmed.

    "What else?"

    The monkey motioned "Screwing."

    "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded
    officer.

    "Yes."

    "Now wait, you're saying your owners were
    drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."

    "Yes."

    "What were you doing during all this?"

    "Driving" motioned the monkey.
     
  7. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

    As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

    The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

    "I'll give you a lift."

    The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

    The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
     
  8. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
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    Disgracing The Family

    There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

    Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

    She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

    Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

    With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

    She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
     
  9. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
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    Malcolm W
    Cold Hands

    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

    She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

    Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

    She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

    She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"
     
  10. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    LMAO That was brilliant :D
     
  11. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

    Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"

    His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

    Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
     
  12. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Steve.
    Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

    The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

    Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

    "67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

    "But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

    Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

    The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

    Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

    The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"

    "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

    "What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

    "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

    The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

    Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

    The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

    Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
     
  13. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Steve.
    Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

    One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

    The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

    Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

    Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

    Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

    Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

    Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

    Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

    Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

    The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."

    And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

    For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

    Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

    He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
     
  14. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

    This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

    He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

    He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

    He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

    His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

    "What did I do?" he asked.

    She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an ax!'"
     
  15. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Mar 25, 2004
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    A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCYHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

    He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.

    Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.

    His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

    "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

    "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

    He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

    As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."
     
  16. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

    The nurse asks him,"Charlie what are you doing?" And Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago" Great," replied the nurse.

    The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

    With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says... "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
     
  17. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

    "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

    "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

    "No sir, our mother."

    "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

    "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
     
  18. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Mar 25, 2004
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    Steve.
    An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

    "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

    The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

    "He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

    The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

    The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

    The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

    The woman then gave the officer her license.

    "I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

    The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

    The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
     
  19. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

    The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

    She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said '****!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
     
  20. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Mar 25, 2004
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    Steve.
    There was a little boy playing in his front yard, and his grandpa was sitting on the porch watching his grandson play.

    The grandfather saw the little boy pull a worm out of the ground, so the grandfather went up to his grandson and said, "Hey son, I'll give you five dollars if you can stick that worm back into the hole you pulled it out of."

    The little boy thought it would be easy enough, so he tried. After awhile, the boy was about to give up, but suddenly he ran inside and got a can of his grandmother's hair spray. He sprayed it all over the worm and let it dry and then he stuck it back into the hole.

    The grandpa said, "Well, boy that's a neat trick, here's your five dollars."

    The next day, the little boy was playing again, and the grandfather came up to him and handed him another five dollars. The little boy said, "What is this for?"

    The grandfather said, "Your grandmother thought it was a neat trick too!"
     
  21. ^@#&

    ^@#& F1 World Champ
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    Feb 27, 2005
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    A grandfather and grandson were out on a fishing trip one day. The grandson noticed that his grandfather was drinking a beer and asked, "Hey grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your arse hole?" The grandson thought for a second and said, "No it can't." Five minutes later, the grandson pulls out a bag of cookies, and the grandfather asks, "Hey grandson, can I have a cookie?" The grandson thought for a second and replied, "Can your dick touch your arse hole?" The grandfather said, "Yes it can." The grandson quickly replied, "Well then go f.uck yourself."
     
  22. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
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    brilliant ones steve! the rifle, and skin is really good!
     
  23. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
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    This blonde goes to the doctor complaining of headaches. Noticing she hasn't taken off her headphones at all during the exam, he suggests they may be the cause of her headaches. He tells her to take them off. "Oh, no. I just couldn't," she says, "without them, I'd surely die." "Oh, come now," the doctor says, "let me help you." And he pulls them off her head. Sure enough, moments later, she is dead on the floor. Curious, he picks up the headphones and hears, "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out..."
     
  24. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
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    Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:

    You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

    English 44A

    SMU

    Creative Writing

    Prof. Miller

    In class Assignment for Wednesday:

    Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by

    Rebecca & Gary:

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.

    Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

    A**hole.

    b***t.
     
  25. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,489
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

    The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

    Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.

    Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

    At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.

    However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

    Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

    Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

    Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

    Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the they're going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"
     

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