Joke.

bloody good one steve!

 

A golfer is looking for his ball in the woods when he comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against the tree.

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kidding' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..."

So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree.

With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him on the other side of the tree, takes his wallet, jewelry, and car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

So he tells the guy the whole story about how he got there.

While he's telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says.... "This just ain't gonna be your day."

 

A trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up
alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is
Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and
proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says
"Hi, my name is Tony and I'm driving a f**king gritter!"

 

ROTFLMAO!!!

 

A fabulously wealthy man was throwing a party at his estate. On a dare he challenges his guests to swim in his swimming pool from end to end. To whoever was successful, he promised anything of his possession that they could desire, his mansion, his ferraries, etc. The catch is the pool contains two white sharks.

As the evening wore on and it became late, no one has yet to take up the host on his dare. Then shortly before everyone retired, there's a loud splashing in the pool to which all the guests run to. Everyone was incredulous as they watch a man swimming frantically, undoubtedly the fastest he's ever swam in his life, to the other end of the pool. He pulls himself out lightening fast and he's shaking, drenched in water. The host runs over completely shocked, not believing someone finally accepted the challenge says, "oh my god!! I can't believe you did it and survived! You must be the bravest man alive! Well what do you want my good man? You know you can have anything that I own. What is it?"

The man still shaking and drying himself off says, "yes that's all well and good, but first I want to find the bastard that pushed me in!".

 

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

 

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learnt that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

 

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:

1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?"

And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

 

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

 

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that s**t after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

Lost Again! You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." --Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." --A congressional candidate in Texas

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." --General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." --Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

(6/16/98) And just the other day, our boy Dan Quayle was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again..

 

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,

"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

Private Larry Lasterfitz was always last. He was last to hear about pretty much everything. He was last in his high school class. When World War II started, Larry was last in line to enlist. The army recruiter handed Larry clothes that were too baggy, a helmet that wouldn't fit, and a wooden rifle. "Sorry, all the real ones are gone. We'll get you a new one ASAP."

Larry went to the shooting range the first day, armed with his fake rifle. His Drill Instructor looked at his weapon and told him to pretend he was shooting the target. Larry began to just point the wooden rifle at the target and said "BAM! BAM!"

Larry was shipped off to Germany, but he didn't get his real rifle. He got to Germany unarmed. His unit was ordered to attack a German-held villiage. When they arrived, Larry was still equiped with his wooden rifle. The Germans started shooting. Larry yelled to his commander, "SIR! What do I do?" The man turned back and said, "Do what they told you in training."

Larry, not having much else to do, pointed his fake gun and quietly said, "BAM!" A machine gun nest suddenly went silent. Larry muttered it again. Suddenly, Germans were fleeing. "WOW! This thing really works!" Larry fearlessly charges the Germans, and starts to beat them back. His commander is quite impressed, and orders him to lead another charge.

Running down a street, Larry saw a man coming at him slowly and unarmed. He aimed his wooden rifle and said, "BAM!" The man didn't fall; instead, he began to move faster towards Larry. Larry panicked, and started yelling "BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!" loudly, but to no avail. Finally, Larry noticed the German was saying something. The German soldier closed in when Larry realized what he was saying and that he was outmatched. He ran.

The German continued slowly down the street, saying "Tankity-tank tank tank. Tankity-tank tank tank."

 

It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.