When do you let go?

its a tough situation steve. she IS living under your roof.... I was still living at home and going to a junior college and got a little big for my britches. my mama used the old, "as long as you're living under my roof", trite but true. I think time will eventually work it out...and let me add that for a college age girl, 2150 isn't REALLY all that late, now if it had been 0300....

 

Isn't 21:50 only 9:50 pm??

 

aye, aye sir

 

I have three kids, two of them girls. They are all much younger, but I am anticipating this problem.

When I went to college and wanted to be treated "like a grown-up", my Mom gave me the best speach. I plan to use it:

"Sounds great! I've been looking forward to you becoming a man! But let's be clear, being a true grown-up means taking on grown-up responsibilities. I will be happy to give you 3 months to find a job that can pay for school (or I can help you with the loan process), find a place to live that YOU can afford, put together a budget that includes all of the small things (like health-care, insurance, clothes) that your Dad and I pay for, etc. We are looking forward to visiting you in your new place and giving you all of our love and support.

Or, I will be happy to continue our current arrangement, I pay and I get a say to what the rules are. As long as I have skin in the game, I just won't be comfortable without having some say in the rules. We can work together on it, I'm willing to hear your opinion and come to compromise in some areas, but I do have areas I won't budge on.

Just let me know how you want to move forward. I love you."

I can almost recite it word for word. It struck like a bolt from the sky. Needless to say, I waited a few more years to become a "true grown-up".

Andrew.

 

I'm a little surprised by your post. You're talking about a girl who is college-aged, as in between 17 and 22 years old?

 

Move to Alabama. No one will say anything, even if you "Hold on" to her forever!

 

It's obviously a joke.

 

yeah, wondered that too. well, 17 is a diff matter....

 

I think she's at the age where you have to begin to loosen up and pray that you've brought her up to have enough good sense not to do anything really dumb.

I've got a son. I'm stopping now. Don't dare to have daughters.

 

3 brothers here.

Dad had 3 brothers.

Grandpa had 3 brothers.

Uncles have all boys (dads side).

Mom has 1 brother.

I dont know what I'll do if I have a girl, but I can bet she'd probably be a tom-boy.

 

Why would you think that? As long as I provide support for my child and they live in my house for free, they will follow my rules even if they're 45 years old. If they don't like it, they can find a job and pay their own way.

 

In many commonwealth countries, "college" can mean high school.

 

Steve, hold on to her as long as you can. Kids will be kids at any age. Watch them and protect them especially during the "wild" stages of their lives. They may not like the discipline you impose under your roof, but in reality discipline is really what kids crave even though they disapprove. You may be the "bad guy" right now, but when she settles down later on in life, she will look back and realize that "Dad took care of me". But where you'll benefit from this is when she has children of her own. She will instinctly raise her children the way you raised yours.

It's all about morals and values...

 

She could be home at 2000, but if she is not focused on the test, that will do no good.
I think you need to stress if her grades slip more than an 'acceptable' level, ie 3.9 to 3.8 may be OK, 3.9 to 3.4 is a problem, then you can TRY and draw her back.
Problem is, you push too hard, she may pull away even further, but nobody knows her better than you do, so use your judgement.

I know your problem well, I am dealing with it right now.

 

So what happens if she comes home and says, "Dad, I've decided to become a lingerie and bikini model." ?

I'm not trying to be a jerk, just note Steve that when people around you see that is what you value (based on the frequency/distribution of your posts), don't be surprised if Daddy's Little Girl decides to do that to win approval. I'm realizing this principle of example already on a smaller scale as I try and tell my toddler he can't drink Diet Coke while I have one.

 

thats a loaded question.

Are you saying based on his posts is how he raises his kid?


like I said Ryan,

it comes down to morals and values. All of it starts at home at an early age.

 

LOL! Spot the dude who hasnt any kids yet

 

Yeah Steve, post some pics of her in the bikini thread!

But seriously: by this point either you raised her right or you didn't. And I'd sit her down and tell her exactly that: you've done all you can, and she's old enough to make her own decisions now. You can't make her sudy, but you hope she is mature enough to want to. The only person who will suffer if she does badly in school is her. And now that she is grown she can't expect daddy to bail her out if she makes a mess of her life.

 

No, I'm not saying that.

I was saying that Steve has to be careful because his daughter will see what he's glorifying a woman to be in his many posts, and seeking approval she may decide to be exactly like that. I have seen women say they got into such things because they found their father's Playboys etc, and decided that was who they wanted to be/had to be (while not acknowledging the obvious psychological connection they do it for fatherly approval).

Also, you could say an underlying theme of my comment was it would be a bit duplicitous if Steve touted these bikini babes publicly in thousands of posts (requires hundreds of hours to compile, no doubt), then would fear his own daughter becoming like the women he glorifies. Now, if he is fine with his daughter being like those women, then I commend him for being an honest straight-shooter.

Steve: I know from his posts here that you are trying very hard to be a good father. Be aware of the messages you send your kids. That's what I'm saying.

 

I have three daughters. I say don't sweat it. She is just growing up. You might want to have a simple discussion about life's pitfalls and what you would expect the solution to each of them would be. If she gets pregnant, you might expect she give up the baby to adoption, etc... But if you haven't had any big problems for 17 years and she is in college, she sounds well on her way to success. Just keep the communication open.
BT