Aussie joke thread

GHETTO SPELLING BEE:
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb!
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my ***** rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bull****, that watch israel."
9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartmentundermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on
stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with today's Ebonic word:Today's word is :"OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

 

From my old car club newsletter in uk....
View attachment british.doc

 

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

 

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

this blonde somehow manages to get a job in an office block. one day she is looking out of her office window and see's her bosses ferrari getting stolen out of the car park. she goes running into her bosses office and shouts
''boss, boss! ive just seen someone steal you car!''
her boss replies
''oh my god really!? did you get a good look at the theif!?''
then the blonde says
''no id did better than that, i got the number plate!''

 

A man bought a brand new Ferrari. It could do 0-100 in two seconds. While cruising soon after purchasing it, he pulled up next to an old man wearing suspenders on a motor scooter. "Nice car," says the man. "Thanx," says the Ferrari guy."It does 0-100 in two seconds." "Pretty cool" says the old man. The light changes and the guy floors the accelerator and shoots off. Feeling proud, he looks into his rearview mirror only to see a dot zooming at him. It shoots past to his amazement. Shocked, he sees it coming back at him at an amazing speed. It shoots past, and he realizes it's the old man on his scooter. "No way," he says. He slams on the brakes and the man comes flying up form behind and nails the rear end of the car. "Holy ****, are you alright asks the man. "yeah," replies the old man, "but could you unhook my suspenders from your car??"

 

One of the best jokes I've ever heard .....

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married nextn month. My fiance's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bull****, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

I also kept to myself that the reason that I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.

 

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

 

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw 2 men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop & he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife & 2 children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife & SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer & said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."


The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

 

because they dont like the idea of a stranger making 90% of their decisions.

 

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes....................Nothing. You have told her twice already

 

****News flash*****

Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter are on their way to Tasmania...

they heard there were two free Minors.....

 

^ hahaha, not bad!

My brother always wanted 10 brothers so he could have a complete cricket team, I always wanted 18 sisters so I could have a golf course.

 

That WAS quick!

 

Came from Queensland via NZ too.......

the joke that is, not MJ and GG.....

 

What would we do without the internet....

 

sms actually......

 

What would we do without mobile phones?

 

More. In my case.

 

bwahhhaaa

 

You viewed this thread 24 times for a total of 43 minutes since that joke was posted...

took a while to sink in... eh?

 

when i log on to F-chat i start from the top and work my way down to the Aussie section,guess that explains it

 

BWAHAHAHA

I was just messin wiv ya...!!!

hehe......

 

oh,i knew that

 

A motorist, on his way home from work in Canberra came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual."

After a short while he noticed a police officer coming towards him between the lines of stopped cars.
He rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replied,
"John Howard is depressed, so he has stopped his motorcar and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.
He is upset that no one believes his stories:
about why we went to war in Iraq;
or that there is no pension crisis;
and no worsening economy;
or that there is no constant adding of stealth taxes;
or that the health service is safe in his hands;
or that his education reforms are doing any good;
or that immigration is under control;
or that he is not George Bush's lapdog;
or that his party's proposed tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends;
or that the high cost of petrol is driving up interest rates;
or that none of his cabinet ministers have ever had dodgy spouses and/or secret offshore bank accounts and/or questionable shareholdings........

So we're taking up a collection for him."
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..
..
..
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Thoughtfully, the man asked, "How much have you got so far?"
..
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"About 40 litres and 15 cigarette lighters, but some people are still syphoning.........."