Here's why Australia is such a good place to be.. becasue this type of UK joke is just NOT FUNNY... it's too true to be funny........... HIJACK A PLANE - WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE    Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of 'ASYLUM'. Today's programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:   Hijack an airliner and win a council house! We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor the British Taxpayer. And  don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM'!  Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar. No application ever refused reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:   'ASYLUM'.   Only this week 140 members of the Taleban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area In Historic Bedfordshire. If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help.  It won't cost you a penny, so play today; it could change your life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...COME ON DOWN! Get along to the airport, get along to the lorry park, get along to the ferry terminal. Don't stop in Germany or France. Go straight to Britain. And you are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth. Roll up, roll up my friends for the game that never ends.  Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM'.
This man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulders. He takes a seat at the bar, lets the monkey go and orders a drink. The monkey is running wild through the bar, swinging from the lights, jumping on the tables etc. The monkey then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it. The bartender is totally annoyed. The gentleman who owns the monkey apologizes, pays for his drink and the cue ball then leaves with his monkey. A couple of weeks later the man returns with his monkey. He sits at the bar and lets the monkey run wild again. The monkey is running wild again. He jumps up on the bar where he spies a bowl of grapes. He grabs a grape and shoves it up his ass, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender is totally grossed out. "Did you see what your monkey just did?" He asks the man. The man replies "Oh yeah, since that cue ball incident he measures everything!"
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, John Howard turned to the Queen and said: As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King." John Howard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard." Howard thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr. Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor." Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
A British company is developing A computer chip that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough - Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. .......................... The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flyer Points. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love . The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores." --- A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig. When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!" Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?" ............................................................................................................................................................ 2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!". The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!". So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor. "Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.". The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?" ,the other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!" ......................................................................................................................................................... A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!" ........................................................................................................................................................ A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." ........................................................................................................................................................ my personal favorite for the week, lols.... Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't f**k her."
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Queensland state of origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
being a St George supporter many years ago I believe you are right I have a passing interest in seeing QLD get beaten ........
Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
AN IRISHMAN walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and starts drinking a sip out of each one in turn. The barman asks him why and the Irishman tells him he has two brothers, one in the US, the other in Australia. When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. The Irishman becomes a regular at the bar, and always drinks the same way. Then one day, he comes in and orders only two pints. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartenders says: I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then laughs. Oh, no, he says, everyones fine. Ive just quit drinking.
Little Johnny was at school one morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out... Accountant, Farmer, Policeman, Salesman etc.. but Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Johnny aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Johnny "He actually plays football for the NSW State of Origin side, but i was just too embarrassed to say that."
you guys were just saved from dropping ya daks because we felt sorry for ya and handed the ball to you and got out the way otherwise you'd never have scored
Russell was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said 'That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Russell decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Russell. Even though he felt delicate for two weeks, Russell soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said 'That was a big mistake, Russell. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices - either I maul you to death or we have sex.' Again, Russell thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his wicked way with Russell. Although he survived, it took several months before Russell fully recovered. Now Russell was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said 'Admit it Russell, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "Are these my brains?" Mum answered, "Not yet."
Dear Dr.Phil When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing. A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists? Thanks, PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught Image Unavailable, Please Login
