Joke.

Fifty priests die in an accident. They all get up to the Pearly Gates and find St. Peter waiting for them. St. Peter is looking at a clipboard with an irritated expression on his face. He get's up and in a loud voice announces, 'To save time I'm only going to ask you all one question: Which of you has ever been involved in a homosexual relationship?' The priests kick the dirt and mumble, but forty nine of them raise their hands. 'OK,' says St. Peter, 'off to hell with you then... And take that deaf bastard with you.'

 

A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet. ''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks. ''I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies. ''That's a stupid thing to say!'' ''That's a stupid thing to ask!''

 

A Polish guy has never had sex, and he gets into bed on his wedding night. His wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, ''Do you know what I want?'' He says, ''No.'' She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, ''Now do you know what I want?'' He says, ''Yeah...you want the whole friggin' bed to yourself!''

 

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man! I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning: "Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"

 

A girl was standing talking to her friends when one of them said, Why have you got a tampon behind your ear? And she responded ****! Then where did I put my cigarette?!

 

A guy runs into his ex-wife. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you." "Why, because you miss me?" "No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

 

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hehe....bloody good ones steve. what a way to start my day. i liked the one where ' she wants the whole bed to herself '

 

A blonde, a brunette and a red head decide to swim
the breast stroke out to an island. A couple of
hours later, the red head walks ashore on the
island. The brunette is not far behind her. Two
days later, the blonde finally walks ashore and
says, 'Boy, that was hard. I think the other two
cheated, though. I think they used their arms.'

 

Three Cheerleaders walked into the doctors office to get an exam. The first one was called into the doctors room, and sat down. The doctor comes in and asks her to take of her top. After she did, the doctor noticed a mark on her chest. "what happened to you, It looks like a big S is burnt into your chest" the doctor asked. "well my boyfriend likes it a little ruff. "explain" says the doctor. "well during sex he likes me to put on his letterman's sweater. Then we have mad passionate sex and he's from Stanford". After the doctor was done with the first cheerleader, he call's in the second one. "Take off your top" asked the doctor, sure enough there was a mark on her chest as well, but of an H. "What happened to you", the doctor asked. "well my boyfriend likes it a little ruff. "explain" says the doctor. "well during sex he likes me to put on his letterman's sweater. Then we have mad passionate sex and he's from Harvard". When they were finished the doctor calls in the third cheerleader and asks her to take off her top, so she does. On her chest is a big M, so the doctor says, "Let me guess you got this mark from your boyfriend in Minnesota". "No" says the girl, "My girlfriend in Wisconsin".

 

A tall, handsome Polish kid is helping a middle-aged divorcee to her car with her groceries. As they get to the parking lot, she smiles at him and says, "I've got an itchy p***y." He replies, "Well, you better point it out, lady. All them Japanese cars look the same to me."

 

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

 

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-a one-a seen-a you around." "Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail." "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come, arresta me and atrow me i-na jail!" "But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!" Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and
a yellin'."

 

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a
ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened. "Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!' He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands in the middle of the road when the truck hit us."

 

A man in a supermarket was pushing a cart which contained, among other things, a screaming baby. As the man proceeded along the aisles, he kept repeating softly, "Keep calm, George. Don't get excited, George. Don't yell, George." A lady watched with admiration and then said, "You are certainly to be commended for your patience in trying to quiet little George."

"Lady," he declared, "Im George!"

 

One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette. The other lady asked, "What's that for?" The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain." The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea." The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please." The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?" The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

 

Poor guy!
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

 

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"

 

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.' The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.' The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.' The bartender then says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings' The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.' The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.' The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'

 

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?






A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

 

... nice one steve. but Thailand melt them down and sell them to singapore as chewing gums. strange, but true.

 

LMAO

 

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt. "Reach up there and find out." She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's gruesome!" "Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back up there, it'll grow some more!"

 

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache. "I've got a perfect cure for a headache," said his buddy Trevor. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails." A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trevor. "Yeah," said Phil, "Worked great! I had no idea how nice your house was, too!"