OFFICIAL MALE SENSITIVITY TEST 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: A. Lovemaking. B. Screwing. C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers. 3. You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss The Footy Show. 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about. 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra. 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate. 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth. B. An oxymoron. C. A moron. 8. Foreplay is to sex as: A. An appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU." 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
Why I fired my secretary Last week was my birthday and I didnt feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hope my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!, and possible have a present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday. I thought well, thats marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didnt say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday! It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one oclock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, You know, its such a beautiful day outside, and its your birthday, lets go out to lunch, just you and me. I said, Thanks Jane, thats the greatest thing Ive hear all day. Lets go! We went to lunch. But we didnt go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, You know, its such a beautiful day We dont need to go back to the office, do we? I responded, I guess not. What do you have in mind? She said, Lets go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, Boss, if you dont mind, Im going to step into the bedroom for a moment. Ill be right back. Ok. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my wife, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all signing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there On the couch Naked.
The United States Postal Service created a stamp with a photo of George W. Bush to honor his presidential achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to the envelopes. A full investigation found: 1. The stamp itself is fine 2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive 3. People are just spitting on the wrong side
An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge. The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment. The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes. With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back. The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back. The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullsh1t penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is. The Sultan ask the Aussie for his second wish. "Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.
There once was this white fella who was feeling lonely because his wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation. He wanted to do something for her that would both impress her as well as proclaim his undying ever-enduring love for her. After much contemplation he thought what better way than to have her name, "Wanda," actually tattooed onto his body. Further consideration of his idea resulted in his deciding to have her name tattooed right onto his penis. So he went to a tattoo parlour and had it done immediately. Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the tattoo usually said, "WA." But he knew she would be surprised and delighted to see her whole name on his penis once it became erect. He could hardly wait for her return. The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was due home from her vacation. He went to meet her at the airport, beaming to himself as he imagined her pleasure at discovering his surprise. He could hardly even contain himself. While he was waiting for her plane, he went into the washroom to have a pee. He marched right up the urinal next to a tall black fella who was just shaking it off. The white fella looks down and says, "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA" on your penis too! What a coincidence!" The black fella looks at him. "I just had mine done - it really says 'Wanda,'" beamed the white fella, "What does yours say?" The black fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says, "Well mine says, 'WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'"....
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flyer Points. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love . The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"
I wasn't going to tell anyone, now everyone knows why they call you Pee Pee Image Unavailable, Please Login
Yeah, I know. Just making sure everyone got the message. Actually, I thought it was so funny.... it belonged here. Yeah, I know, I'm a sick man laughing at my own jokes.
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest!! Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a "F*cker fish" Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is Gods house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to mother superior. "Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, mother superior says "wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, you c*nts are alright."
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish," Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.
Its no wonder you were lost mate. You were wearing your eye patches again werent you? Image Unavailable, Please Login
I remember doing that test!!!!! They thought they could trick me by putting that Christmas tree upside down!!!
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four" Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replied angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful homes in California, Aspen, Colorado and Miami. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. BUT, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Send the wine back."
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Weird hey!!!
I love this one. A man walked into a bar, sat down at the far end and had a drink. He noticed there was a horse in the back of the bar room with a big pot of money on the floor in front of it. "What's up with that?" He asked the bartender, pointing at the horse. "You gotta put a dollar in the pot," explained the bartender,"if you can make the horse laugh, you collect the pot." The man walked over to the horse, dropped a dollar into the pot, and whispered into it's ear. The horse cracked up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. So the man picked up the pot and walked out. Five years later the same man came into the bar, and saw the same horse, with another big pot of money in front of it. The bartender recognised the man and noticed him looking at the horse in anticipation. "It's not so easy now... this time you gotta make him cry." he said. The man walked over to the horse and whispered in its ear, and from behind, in the shadows, appeared to pull something out of his pocket and showed the horse. The horse fell to its knees sobbing as though its heart was breaking. The man picked up the pot and was walking out the door when the bartender stopped him. "Hey! At least you can tell us what you told him!" "Easy," said the man. "The last time, I told him my penis is bigger than his. This time I showed him.
A woman cheated on her husband, then came clean to him one night after feeling guilty about it. The husband beated her up then ran away scared that she'll take him to court. So the woman's been single and lonely for about 3 month now, out of utter desire for a man figure in her life, she put an ad on the paper: Beautiful woman needs a husband, only need to meet the three following: 1) can't bash me up 2) can't run away 3) needs to be great in bed. First Come first serve. The next day, someone knocked the door "Bang! Bang!" Wow, there is my future husband the woman throught, but once she opened the door, she found a guy in a wheel chair. Out of disbelief, she asked "What you doing here?" "I'm here to be your husband" the man replied. "How do you meet my three requirments?" woman asked "I don't have arms, so i can't bash you up, I don't have legs, so i can't run away" "So how can you meet the last requirment?" the man replies, "Guess how I knocked the door?"
