Q: What do Fat people do in the summertime ? A: Stink. Q: What goes "click click click, is that it?, click click click, is that it?..........." A: A blind man with a Rubiks cube.
Q: Why did Princess Di cross the road? A: She wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Q: Why can't Barbie get pregnant? A: Because Ken comes in a different box.
Q: What's the difference between a fridge and a queer? A: A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out! Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a queer? A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat!
Q: Why do woman have vag1nas? A: So men will talk to them. Q: What do the gynaecologist and the pizza delivery boy have in common? A: They can both smell it but can't eat it!
Q: How many ***gots does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out.
Q: What's the difference between ****** and a paycheck? A: Women will blow paychecks without hesitation.
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary Clinton went off to visit a fortune teller of some local reputation. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment, Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her question; she just had to know. Hillary met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I be acquitted?"
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returned from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning, the husband woke up, showered, dressed and made his way to the kitchen where he saw his new wife crying. So the husband inquired, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiled his biggest smile and said, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband came home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch, and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiled and said, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband came home, walked in the house and saw his new bride buck naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she ran, and WHOOSH! down the banister. After the third trip up the stairs, the puzzled husband asked, "What are you doing, Honey?" She replied with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"
Whitehouse aide to Clinton: "What are we gonna do about the new abortion bill, Mr. President?" Clinton's reply : "Shhhhh - just pay it."
A guy used to have a Labrador retriever & he was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind him asked if he had a dog(?). On impulse, he told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again, although he probably shouldn't because he'd ended up in the hospital last time but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms. He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again. Horrified, she asked if the reason he went to the hospital was because he'd been poisoned. The guy told her no; he'd been sitting in the street licking his balls and a car hit him.
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pis*ed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
