Post your favorite CLEAN joke

No, I don't have any. That's why I need yours!

 

There's no such thing that I know of.

This thread is destined for early extinction.

 

What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?

Whhheeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, starts shelling some of the free peanuts. Then he hears, " Nice jacket". He looks around, no one but him and the bartender. Then he hears, "You look nice today". He then asks the bartender if he heard anything. The bartender says, "It's the peanuts, they're complimentary".

 

Three guys walk towards a bar, one of them walks into it, the other two laugh at him.

 

what did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?


i'm the weiner

 

Of course you would ask.....now I can't think of any.

 

two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks!

 

An elephant, a penguin and a giraffe all walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

 

Sorry Im going to have to ruin this thread with a not so clean joke......






WHat is the difference between a ***ot and a Refrigerator????



The Refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull the meat out.

 

Two hunters are out in the boonies when one of them keels over.

He ain't breathin' and his eyes are all glazed over. The other guy takes out his cellphone and calls 911.

He's screaming: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

Silence...

then a gunshot.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

 

hahahahahahahah those are great

 

are racist jokes considered as dirty?

 

Guy walks into a bar.

He's a little guy, and he has his ugly little yellow dog with him. He sits down at the bar next to a huge Marine with a massive German Shepherd. The Marine looks down at the little guy, bends over and looks at the ugly litle yellow dog. He has to restrain his German Sheperd, which is straining at his leash, trying to get at the ugly little yellow dog.

"Boy," says the Marine, "you need to get you little ugly yellow dog out of here before Bruiser eats him."

The little guy looks up at the Marine, looks up at Bruiser, and meekly responds: "Well, my dog may be little, and he may be ugly, but I'm not worried. He can take care of himself."

The Marine just about falls over laughing. He pulls a hundred dollar bill out of his wallet and slaps it down on the bar. "I've got a hundred bucks that says my dog is going to KILL your ugly little yellow dog!"

Well, the little guy starts digging through his pockets, finds ten dollars here, five dollars there, scrapes some change out of the ashtray, has to borrow five dollars from the guy next to him, but he comes up with 100 dollars. "OK," says the little guy, "you've got a bet!"

The Marine turns Bruiser loose, the little guy unties the bit of string from his ugly little yellow dog's collar, and all thunder breaks loose! Chairs are flying, people are screaming, the bartender dives down behind the bar to get out of the way, and the last thing anyone sees before a cloud of dust closes in and blocks out the sun, is Bruiser, running like a dog possesed, trying to get away from the ugly little yellow dog!

...

The Marine picks himself up, wipes the blood from his lip, steadies himself on the bar. "Good grief! That is the meanest dog I ever saw! What kind of dog IS that?"

"Well, before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."

 

wouldn't do it

 

Somebody always has to piss in the pool.

 

'gator... Now, THAT is funny.

I got a couple...

Wimmenfolk hate this one:

A woman has a C-Section and immediately before she can see the baby they rush it off to another room. A couple of days go by and she still hasn't seen her baby, she has been told there are some grave complications that cannot be explained. So she calls her lawyer and they both tell the OBGYN that if she doesn't get to see her baby, they are gonna sue. So the doc says alright but first he warns her that it is going to be a shocking sight, and gives her some valium to help keep her calm.

They bring in an incubator with a sheet over it, and the doc pulls back the sheet and there lays a 7 lb eye ball.

She starts freaking out, screaming.... 'Oh my god, oh my god what could be worse than this...'

Doc says, "eehhhhhhhh...





it's blind."
____

There's this guy with no arms looking through the paper's want ads - he flips pages with his teeth, ya see... sees sumpin' - where you and me'd poke a finger on the ideal job, he bashes his nose and's all "Dat's it! Yay!"

So, he goes flying out the door and before you know it he's at the cathedral, where he chomps his teeth down on the "Help Wanted" sign and bangs his head on the door a few times. So, the priest shows up and is all, "Yeah, whaddaya want?" The armless dude's all "I'b heraboudadob." Priest is all "whhaaaaaat the f...?" So, the armless dude spits out the sign and says "I'm heeeeere aboouut the jobbbb."

"Ah, Jesus, pal, you ain't got no arms, see, ya gotta ring a bell, see, and..."

"No matter! Time's a wastin'!" sez the armless dude as he goes flying up the belfry - with the priest hollering at him while he tries to catch up - suddenly, right at 2 P.M. - came the most beautiful bell sound... ever.

Priest rounds the corner up to the belfry just in time to see the armless guy get a big running start before he slams his head into the bell a second time.

"Beautiful," says the priest.

SO, the armless guy's been raking in the big bucks for about 2 months, and... well, his face is all creamed, but, he's a happy camper, and so is everybody in town when they hear those chimes - even though they can't see him above - especially at 12 o'clock when he smashes his head into it 12 times. Yessirree, beautiful.

So, one day, at 3 in the after noon - after he'd hit his head, what... 10, 11, 12, 1, 2 - yeah, 36 times already that day, he rears back, goes running... and totally misses... then goes flying over the edge... and lands headfirst in the street.

A crowd gathered around his broken body and stared in disbelief.

One of 'em sez - "Who is that?"

"I don't know but his face sure rings a bell"

...

But wait, there's more...
...

The next day... "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

"A'ight." The priest gives the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother picks up a mallet to sound the first bell, he clutches at his chest and dies on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop flipping out, rush up the stairs to his side

The first monk is freaking - "What happened? Who is this guy?"

"I don't know his name," sez the priest, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.".

 

My only clean jokes are golf jokes.

A man is standing over a six foot birdie putt on 18 to win a $100.00 nassau. Suddenly he stops, stands very erect, turns to the road, takes off his hat and stands at attention while a funeral procession rolls slowly past.

His buddies in the foursome are astounded at his presence of mind and compliment him on his reverence and decorum with such an important putt for this much money.

The man turns and says, "It was the least I could do.......I was married to her for 30 years".

 

This guy has got great seats at the superbowl, right on the 50 yard line. Another guy walks up and asks if the empty seat is taken. The first guy says its his wife's seat but he can sit there. He asks where the man's wife is. "We'd always been to the superbowl together over the years but she passed away recently." The 2nd man wonders why he couldn't get a friend or relative to come to the game. "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

 

A guy walks into a Oakland bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing an 'Oakland Raiders' jersey and helmet, and is festooned with 'Raiders' pom-poms.

The bartender says, 'Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!'

The guy begs him, 'Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!'

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.

The big game begins with the Raiders receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at about the 30, and kick a field goal.

With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.

The bartender says, 'Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?'

The owner replies, 'I don't know, I've only had him for four years.'

 

Two guys crash their private plane on a deserted island. For the next two days, one of them constantly paces back and forth, worried sick about how they are going to survive. The second man just rests comfortably against a palm tree, sunning himself. Finally, after a couple of days, the first man asks the second "Are you not worried? We're going to die out here!"

The second man takes a breath and smiles "No sir. I make $100,000 every week and I faithfully give 10% to my church. Rest assured, my pastor will find me."

 

Did you hear the crime about the two peanuts in the park - one was a salted !!!

 

i didnt think anyone else knew that joke.. lol

 

A priest walks into a bar, stops the first guy he sees and asks him: "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man responds, "Yes father." "Then stand over there!" The priest walks up to the next guy... "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Yes father!" "Then stand over there with this other brother!" Goes to the third... "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man camly reponds. "No father." "What! You do not want to go to heaven when you die!" "When I die yes, I would like to go. I thought you were getting a group together to go now!"




--Thank you, I'll be here all week

 

i always wondered why there are so many jokes that have something to do with bars.