Aussie joke thread

"Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

 

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the
Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't
quite as bad as you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good
so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing
what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah,
I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 

This was apparently in the Washington Post - the title of which was,
"Best Come Back Line Ever."


In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male
resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on
Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided
to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in
a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he was just...... pumping away at this
pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?"

 

7 Kinds Of Sex


Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of
sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex . This
kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have
sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex .
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and
you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex .
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your
sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your
bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex .
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you
pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex .
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to
court and screws you in front of everyone.< BR>


The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which
means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social
Security Sex . You get a little each month. But not enough to live
on.

 

Naughty boy horsey.
That was a good one though.

 

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who
want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop!
And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train,
cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind
of language in this house." "Now, I want you to go to your room and stay
there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember,
there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to
the fat b!tch in the kitchen.


LOL! A future cityrail guard in the making ??

 

You have to laugh

Q. Two Port Adelaide supporters jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a Port Adelaide supporter use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old female Port Adelaide supporter?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Port Adelaide supporter in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the Port Adelaide supporter cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so
ever.

Q. What do you call a female Port Adelaide supporter in a white
tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Port Adelaide supporter on a bike,
why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a Port Adelaide supporter quiz
night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two Port Adelaide supporters in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. Why is three Port Adelaide supporters going over a cliff in a Ford
a shame?
A. Because a Ford has four seats.

Q. What do you say to a Port Adelaide supporter with a job?
A. Big Mac please.

 

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.

Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The ABC, Channel 7, Channel 9 and Channel 10 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Old Parliament House with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

John Howard rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner Sydney.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australia's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Today Tonight special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since their arrival.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 to state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, another levy, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

 

you stole that from the poms Waz, saw it on pistonheads weeks ago but with all pommy names

 

meh, so ban me

 

not AGAIN

did you go to an English private school , they like beatings ?

 

i've been married for 17 years, isn't that punishment enough?

 

Better you than me wazza!

 

this one's for you Pap!
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Thanks waz...............
I am bloody disgusted..............yet a little curious.

 

These are fairly old, but still a laugh.



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent.




2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."




3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.




4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.




5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm, and says "A beer please, and one for the road."




6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the
other: "Does this taste funny to you?"




7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of
Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it
common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."




8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no
bull!" exclaims Daisy.




9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids
were nothing to look at either.




10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.




11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.




12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off
your arms!"




13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
mussel.




14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.




15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to
the other and says, "Dam!"




16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving
once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.




17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came
out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."




18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal."




19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on
his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.This made
him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.




20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty
different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least
ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

.......
Some old classics there Peter.

 

A dyslexic bank robber bursts into the bank and shouts

" AIR IN THE HANDS YOU MOTHER STICKERS THIS IS A F#$K UP "

 

A college professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first graders, by using a bowl of Lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavoured Lifesaver.

After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver, and yelled

"Oh My God! Spit them out everyone.

They're arseholes!"

... there are some days that we ALL just need to laugh.

 

he he . . ..
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You're a funny shepherd.

 

Man in Tesco .....

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my
balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

 

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a Chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top Of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably Spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do Whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll Kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in My ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had Any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love You, too."

 

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water..."