Joke. | Page 114 | FerrariChat

Joke.

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by Fan512bbi, Jan 15, 2005.

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  1. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Mar 25, 2004
    20,938
    Wales-UK
    Full Name:
    Steve.
    Glad i can make you laugh :)
     
  2. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Mar 25, 2004
    20,938
    Wales-UK
    Full Name:
    Steve.
    54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...

    Dear Wife,
    I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
    Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

    When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

    Dear Husband,
    I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
    Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,
    you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
     
  3. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
    1,527
    UK
    Full Name:
    Malcolm W
    They say Men dont listen...

    Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

    The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house.

    She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors...
     
  4. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
    1,527
    UK
    Full Name:
    Malcolm W
    Sportsmans double,

    I met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?

    I said, "No."

    We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night and we went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

    "Mum you still awake?"
     
  5. bannedleader

    bannedleader Karting
    BANNED

    Mar 6, 2007
    171
    .....walked in to a bar....the fourth saw it and ducked.
     
  6. RoWis

    RoWis F1 Rookie

    Apr 19, 2006
    4,845
    Vancouver, B.C.
    lol
     
  7. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    LOL Steve...
     
  8. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
    1,527
    UK
    Full Name:
    Malcolm W
    A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,
    "Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire
    station...

    Bell1 rings - we put on our jackets.
    Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
    Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

    "From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip
    naked.When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on debed.
    When I say, ' Bell three' we's gonna mek luv all tru de night girl."

    The next night, he came home and shouted, " Bell One" and the wife
    stripped naked!
    "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
    "Bell Three" and they started to make luv!

    After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"

    "WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.

    She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MON, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE"
     
  9. mattymouse33

    mattymouse33 F1 Rookie

    Oct 25, 2004
    4,630
    We'll set aboot ye!
    Full Name:
    Matthew
    Steve, I'm sh1te at jokes but i love this one!!
     
  10. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    :D
     
  11. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
    1,527
    UK
    Full Name:
    Malcolm W
    A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
    Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with the spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
    He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the African Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions' cage because lions eat anything.
    Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees..."
     
  12. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
    1,527
    UK
    Full Name:
    Malcolm W
    In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

    Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

    "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

    "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

    It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

    Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."

    The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

    The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

    The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

    A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

    "Why is the male brain so much more?"

    The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
     
  13. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    A man sat in a train traveling from Bristol to London with a baby on his arm. Midway through, another man with two big suitcases entered the train and sat next to him.
    The first man initiated a conversation: "Those two suitcases looks like mine. Are you a salesman too?"
    "No," the other replied. "I am on my way to Hethrow airport. I am flying to Greece." "Oh, that is nice," the first man responded. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the second man asked, "So what are you selling?" "Condoms," came the reply. "Condoms? Are you taking your son with you while selling condoms?!" the second man said, quite agitated. "Oh, this one is not my son. It is a complaint from Bristol."
     
  14. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "That doesn't fit in here." So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is my name." "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'" "I say, Sem Ting."
     
  15. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes--they were gone. He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck. Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged. "Have you seen anything of my parakeet?" she asked plaintively.
     
  16. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their
    venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected; said he, "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before the had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?" "I think so," replied the other Redneck. "I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year."
     
  17. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?" The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?" "See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with some- thing and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father. "Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!" The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
     
  18. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    Slobodan Milosevic showed up at heaven's gate and knocked for admittance. The door opened. 'What do you want?" Saint Peter asked. "I want to enter heaven," the Yugoslav president replied. Saint Peter laughed in his face. "You can go to hell," he shouted, slamming the door. The next day ten devils knocked on heaven's gate. "What are you doing here?" Saint Peter asked. "Well," one replied, "we're the first wave of refugees."
     
  19. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"
     
  20. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    A Halloween trick-or-treater went to his neighbor's door dressed in boxing gloves and satin shorts. He was "Rocky." Soon after his neighbor gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" asked the neighbor. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight, too."
     
  21. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    A little girl and a little boy are arguing about differences between the sexes, the real issue being which of the two
    children is superior. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I have that you'll never have!" The little girl is upset by this and runs home. A while later she comes running back with a smile on her face.
    She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
     
  22. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
     
  23. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    A woman named Danielle was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Danielle! I didn't recognize you!"
     
  24. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -- an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger being courted for the top roles. Spielberg really hoped to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, as long as they are among the most famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds great." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."
     
  25. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says "Come on Willie, we're going upstairs!" Willie replies "OK, That's one of my favorite things!" As soon as they get upstairs Ethel grabs Willie and throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!" Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way and so do you." Willie replies "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll loose my job." Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!" Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me, 'Willie, you screw up one more time and you're fired!'"
     

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