Dont we all mate? I have had a CRAPPY past 2 days. I am just about to pull out whats left of my hair on my head shortly!! Nothing to do with all the footy socks we stuff down the front of our pants is it?
Oh dear..... ONE . Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was his reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. TWO. I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider,' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said, 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' FOUR. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.' FIVE. Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. SIX. My neighbour works in the I.T. department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a bloke in one of the branches who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire in the main frame?' SEVEN. Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed. Life is tough... It's tougher if you're stupid
JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST, THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT. A BOY ASKS HIS GRANNY, "HAVE YOU SEEN MY PILLS, THEY WERE LABELLED LSD?" GRANNY REPLIES, "F... THE PILLS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGONS IN THE KITCHEN?!" LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTANTLY AGREES. NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, "DAD, WHAT'S LOVE JUICE?" DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX. BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT. DAD SAYS, "SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?" BILLY SAYS, "WIMBLEDON!" A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, "I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT." HE REPLIES, "YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!" WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, "WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY?" HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, "YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR!"
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? It takes 1 forum member to change the light bulb.. BUT... It also takes; 1 to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 53 to flame the spell checkers 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy" 109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped 111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 6 that flame them for not using the Search feature 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three" 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ 44 to ask what is a "FAQ" 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 16 posts of two forum members that are exclusively talking to each other only about lightbulbs and what they did that weekend 24 posts of telling them to take it to PM's 1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
1 to post that he changed a light globe 5 seconds faster than the other bloke, who had the same kind of ladder.
The Atheist ________________________________________ An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'? 'Very Well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
A Happy Man ________________________________________ Subject: Be Prepared I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and, if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' And the moral of this story? V V V V V ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE CAR.
Are you a poof, do the quick questionaire and find out. 1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys, and have instead, spent the rest of your free time, doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog.... Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer! Now think about how you call a cat.... Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums! Jeeezus, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are an arse thrashing Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are undeniably a ***. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homo-sexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you are a mincer. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too. 6. If you know more than six names of non standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. REAL men don't have enough memory to remember all of that crap. A real man only has enough memory to remember types of beer, engine capacities, their favourite sports teams players, and the names of porn stars. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are fond of a bit of bum fun. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer. 8. If you have a girls name, or a name that could be mistaken for a girls name, like Kelly, Pat, Chris, Kym, or Terry, then you probably like to play the pink piccolo. 9. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you definitely drop anchor in poo bay.
