Aussie joke thread

I never imagined you'd be this harsh pap

 

Whew! (wipes forehead)

 

Harsh and in your case.............fair!!

 

I knew that would have given you a bit of a scare there horse!!

 

That's "MR" Horse thank you. tm PP

 

Excuse me, Mr Horse.

 

Fixed.

 

Shouldn't you be learning something so you can make something of yourself?

 

At 6:30PM? I do my homework and studying straight after school.

 

No posts during the school day?

 

I was away from school today. I pulled a few muscles and pulled up very sore from baseball last night, hence why I was on.

You needn't worry about whether I'm doing well in school, I catch up and get it all done. You have to admit my wording of things is a lot better than most children my age or even older. I know 17 year olds that have never read a book from cover to cover.

 

i don't doubt that.

 

Yes it wasn't a good choice of words.

 

no...i'd say it was a perfect choice of words.

 

Your a sick man.

 

A boss walked into the office one
morning not knowing that his zipper
was down and his fly wide open. His
secretary walked up to him and
said, "boss this morning when you left
your house, did you close your garage
door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss
understood, so he went into his office
looking a bit puzzled. When he was
about done with his paper work, he
suddenly noticed that his zipper was
at zipped up.

He zipped it up & remembering what his
secretary had told him, finally
understood. He then intentionally
went out to ask for a cup of coffee
from his secretary. When he reached
her desk, he said, "when you saw the
garage door open, did you see my
jaguar parked in there?

The secretary smiled for a moment &
said, no, boss i didn't all i saw was
a mini with two flat tires."

SHE GOT FIRED!!!

 

A man sitting at a bar at Sydney International Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:

"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again,

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him,

"What the f *** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar..!"

 

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING AIRPLANE SEAT MATES
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link - http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

 

Very cool. Have seen this around before.

Its fun, but will probably score you a prison sentence these days!!

 

isn't internet access on a plane extra? that's no good!

 

not in 1st class, that should save you heaps

 

Best joke today - Lowndes or someone being interviewed about V8 supertaxis and mentions the new Falcon road car, and how "we're looking forward to put it on a track and show what a Ford Falcon is capable of".

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
Metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what
the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take
Your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
Went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
Out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
Go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

 

Fixed.