Aussie joke thread

Superlap - "The Ultimate Time Attack Experience"
http://www.superlap.com.au/index.html
"No rear engine 6 cylinder or above vehicles are allowed........."

 

what about mid-engine V8s?

 

Husband and wife are shopping in Coles when the man picks up a crate of VB and sticks them into the trolley

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only $25 for 24 cans", he says

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $50 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF VB AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE"

 

Susie, Susie - sitting in the shoe shine shop

All day long she sits and shines

All day long she shines and sits




Try saying the above really fast.....

 

they might as well as said no RENSCs allowed

 

DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

 

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away , so he decided to introduce himself. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

 

http://ferrarichat.com/forum/showpost.php?p=135527394&postcount=85

 

we're into recycling in a serious way up here thank you Mr Pedantic

 

I am the joke police

 

You have too much time on your hands PP, I mean JM.

 

Now thats a good joke.

 

har de bloody har

 

Here's a dirty joke for you guys ................ the man fell in the mud.

 

Is English a difficult language?
________________________________________
Yes.

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down,
and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."

 

[QUOTE="Megan";137639857]Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down,
and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."[/QUOTE]

- I think you just gave Carl888 something to do tonight...

 

Not only difficult, but deadly too...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health: It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting, nutritional studies........
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSIONS:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking bastardised English is apparently what kills you.

 

I thought the conclusion would be :

don't be an American

 

I think that IS what it says...

 

oh, sorry, comprehension problems

 

Wisdom from Military Manuals
________________________________________
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.'
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
----------------------------- ---------------------
'Aim towards the Enemy'
- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
----------------------------- ---------------------
'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.'
- U.S. Marine Corps
----------------------------- ---------------------
'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
----------------------------- ---------------------
'If the Enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------- ---------------------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed'
- U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------------
'Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.'
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------------
'You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.'
- U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)
----------------------------------------------------
'Tracers work both ways.'
- U.S. Army Ordnance
----------------------------------------------------
'Five second fuses only last three seconds'
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------
'Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.'
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
----------------------------------------------------
'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.'
- David Hackworth
-----------------------------------------------------
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------- -----------------------
'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.'
- Joe Gay
------------------------------------------------------
'Any ship can be a minesweeper...'Once.'
- unknown
------------------------------------------------------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Marine Recruit
-------------------------------------------------------
'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.'
- USAF Ammo Troop
-------------------------------------------------------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore ( SR-71 Test Pilot)
-------------------------------------------------------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.'
- From an old carrier sailor
------------------------------------------------------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:

'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh ****!'
----------------------------- ------------------------
'Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'Airspeed,altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.'
------------------------------ -----------------------
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
----------------------------- --------------------------
'The PiperCub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
'A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.'
- Jon McBride, astronaut
--------------------------------------------------------
'If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.'
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
--------------------------------------------------------
'Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
--------------------------------------------------------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
----------------------------- --------------------------
Basic FlyingRules:

'Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.'
----------------------------- -------------------------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
----------------------------- ----------------------------- --
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'.
The pilot's reply, 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

 

An Aussie and a Kiwi were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.



After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie,

'If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing,

and she got pregnant and had a baby,



would that make us related?'



'The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute,

scratched his head,

and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says,



'Well, I don't know about being related,



but it would make us even.




And did you hear that the Kiwi's are adopting the Kilt as part of their national dress?

Apparently the sheep are starting to recognise the sound of a zipper being lowered.

 

As he said.....

My cleaner is from Lebanon, top guy, likes Ferrari's too, that makes him a double-top-guy!

Taken lots of cash of them, they are hard and tough to do business with, but they open there wallet which is all i am interested in.

Ciao

M