Aussie joke thread

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your mother."

 

Q. Why did the Deaf and Dumb person ma$&urbate with their left hand?

A. So they could moan with their right hand ...


Q. Why did the Lebo die?

A. Cause he was fully sik


Q. What do you call a Greek Sky Diver

A. Con Descending

Ok back to work now...lol

 

WOW!! 1001 posts, ...G/A/Life!!

Arthur and the Witch:


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.


The question?... .What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.


He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.


Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.


But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.


The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.


The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!


Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.


He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.


He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and th e preservation of the Round Table.


Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:


What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.


Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.


And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.


The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened


The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beaut iful maiden the other half.


Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?


Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?


What would YOU do?


What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?





























Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time be cause he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.


Now ...what is the moral to this story?



Scroll down




















The moral is.....





If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly!

 

i've heard this before,

the moral of the story is

1. There is a witch in every woman

2. and if you don't let her have her way, things are going to get very ugly.

 

What he said!

&3.

We only want to know them because they have something we want.

If they didnt have that, they would be stacked 200 high at the tip!

Wifey doe'snt read my posts here so i *should* be ok writting that, and i love my mum!!

Ciao

M

 

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.

Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'Everyone told us that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed.

So we're just waiting!!'

Ciao

M

 

This story is how to separate fantasy from reality in the real world:



Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over
their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He
said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all
night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office.
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex
all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at
my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed
the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?

 

If you've borrowed the outfit for tomorrow, I'll have no trouble recognising you.

 

Sure thing Robin, my fine thigh'd companion.

 

Who do we elect as the joker, RB perhaps.

 

PP for Penguin.

 

Nah, Moretti for sure. He even looks like Danny DeVito.

 

I was thinking of the camp 60's Batman.

 

I would think the "Ridler" would be a better fit for PP.

 

well, there was no *****head, so riddler would have to do.

 

Probably should have suggested catwoman.

 

and I almost said something nice about you the other day

 

C'mon, ya love it.

 

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

 

you know it's illegal up here, otherwise we'd all be doing it

 

When you have an 'I Hate My Job' day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins … take the literature out of the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement that reads:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested, and then sanitized '.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times; 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

 

ha ha thats a **** job.........

 

lol, it certainly is a **** job!

 

*groan*

 

regular as clockwork!