A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
A Portuguese tourist visiting New York City stopped a passerby.... "Excuse me," he said. "Can you tell me where the Empire State Building is, or should I go f**k myself again?"
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a $100 Dollar Bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a $100 Dollar Bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow. "Two...once in a while I like to play with my money. "Three...I like how money feels in my hand. "And, lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred anytime you want." Larry is recovering nicely in the hospital...
Man says to his wife, "you never have orgasms". She replies, "yes I do but you're not around when I do".
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?" His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
Whats the difference between a blond and a Mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it. What is the definition of ultimate rejection? Your hand falling asleep while masturbating. Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy," Johnny answered.
Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say ass, and I'll say hell." All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Awe, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
