Post all your pilot/flying jokes here...

Heard during my days at Boeing Helicopters:

Helicopters don't fly; they're so ugly the earth repels them.

Helicopters don't fly; they just beat the air into submission.

(The latter is definitely true of Hueys and Cobras, which have actually set off my car alarm!)

 

What's the difference between Pilots and God? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Bob Wassam

 

This is also true for Hawkers!

 

Found somewhere else on the web:

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
**********************************************************
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
**********************************************************
A man telephoned the United Airlines office at Denver International Airport and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Colorado Springs?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute." (my favorite)
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
**********************************************************
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
**********************************************************
The passenger piled his cases on the scale at the United counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver, and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time that I flew to Los Angeles!"

 

You might be a redneck if......

....your stall warning plays "Dixie"
....your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints
....you think sectional charts should show trailer parks
....you've ver used moonshine as avgas
....you have mud flaps on your wheel pants
....you think GPS stands for "Going Pretty Straight"
....you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut
....just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this"
....you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side
....you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer
....you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock
....you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar
....you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee"
....you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
....there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service
....the set of "matched luggage" you take on your long cross country flight is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly
....when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and Pilot of Redneck One
....if you've ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair or modification of your aircraft
....if you have ever responded in the affirmative to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4"
....if you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'"
....if she responds with the words "Honey" or "Big guy" then she may be a redneck
....if you have ever used a relief tube as a spitoon
....if you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number
....if you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide in the trailerpark
....if the printed portion of your weight and balance sheet contains the phrase "Case of Bud"
....if your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman"

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative.
Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums.
Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
Solution - Cat installed.

 

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about, might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds!

The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival - small probability of survival. Small angle of arrival - large probability!

If all you can see out the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

 

A pilot (not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed) is landing his Cessna 172 with his passenger. Instead of landing down the run way, the pilot lands across the run way. Placing full breaks and flaps and just barely staying on the run way. After coming to a stop the pilot turns to his passenger and says "wow this run way is short!'' the passenger looks left to right and says to the pilot "yea, it seems to be really wide too!"

 

Gatoraptor, Jcarson, thanks!! LMAO over here!!

 

Speed enforcement American style.
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Stealth fighter?
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What's the difference between a Blonde and a 747?









Not everyone's been in a 747.

 

What do a Blonde and a 747 have in common?










They both have cockpits.

 

It's a bit early for this joke, but I hope you all will enjoy it anyway:


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

 

This goes with the last reply:
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I can see that I'm really going to enjoy this forum.

 

The weather was bad in Newark resulting in excruciatingly long taxi times. One pilot, after an hour of waiting to takeoff keyed the mic and said "I'm ____ing bored." Ground control snapped back "Last aircraft calling, identify yourself..." The unknown pilot came back with "I said I was _____ing bored, not _____ing stupid."

 

This really happened in my squadron.
When I was a young flight surgeon, we took a squadron of F-15s for Red Flag exercises to Nellis AFB, Nevada, from Tyndall AFB Florida. The F-15s were being led by the Lt. Colonel Squadron commander, 'Rick', a great guy but a real smart ass.

The F-15s only had UHF comm, so in talking to ATC center we would also only hear half of the conversation between ATC and other civilian/commercial flights as the controller provided ATC instruction simulcasting on VHF and UHF.

Even from just one side of the conversation it was becoming evident that the senior Captain flying Delta XXX Heavy, a DC-10, was having a problem with turbulence at his flight level and was seeking a smoother ride for his passengers at a different altitude. So in the best spirit (NOT), our Lt. Colonel sqn commander told ATC:
"Houston Center, this is Griffen 1...could you relay to Delta XXX Heavy that the air is fine up here at Flight level 500" full well knowing that the laden DC-10 could NEVER make it up there with the Air Force F-15s at a fifty thousand foot cruise altitude. ATC duly responded, snickered, and said they would pass the word.

A moment later, ATC came back up: " Griffen 1, Houston Center. Delta XXX Heavy wanted to pass their thanks for your pirep and suggestion. They also wanted to know, 'What's the pay like up there'?

You could hear the howls of laughter between the planes even though the radios were dead quiet.

 

My favorite true story/anecdote happened in the early days of jet transport avaition when the two competitors were the Brits with their Comet and the U.S. with the 707 and DC-8, probably 1960. I was working in the 707 program at the time and got a helluva boost when I read this in Flight magazine.
A BOAC Comet was at 30,000 ft. over Goose Bay inbound from London and overheard a Pan Am 707 report climbing through 18,000 ft. outbound for London. The Comet captain came on the radio and said, " Pan Am 707, what are you doing WAAY down there at 18,000 ft.?
A quick response from the 707, " Mach.82. What are you doing?"
No response from the Comet.
Another true account that happened the same year occured in the southwest U.S.
An American Airlines 707 was serenly cruising ove the Grand Canyon when the capt. came over the PA system in the cabin: " Ladies and gentlemen if you look down and to your left, you will see us passing one of the most beautiful sights in America. That's a DC-8 that left L.A. 20 minutes ahead of us."
I have a million of 'em.
Bob

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine
jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the
fighter jock that he was
number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the
fighter pilot
remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".
_____________
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft
on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
______________
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger
asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in
the engine,"
explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new
pilot."

______________
It was a foggy, busy "rush-hour" morning at LaGuardia. A US Air
flight was taxiing to the active when they made a wrong turn and came
nose-to-nose with a United 727.

The irate ground controller (a woman) lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming and shouting on the ground control frequency. She ended her
tirade with, "You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a
half hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell
you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air?"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am."

The frequency went terribly silent, and no one wanted to engage the
irate ground controller in her current state. Finally, after what
appeared to be an eternity, an unknown captain from another airline,
came up on the frequency.

"Wasn't I married to you, once?" he asked.

______________________
Ground: "12 Alpha, turn right on Hotel, taxi to parking. Bear left, disabled aircraft on the right."

12 Alpha: "Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, looking for the bear."

 

No fair! You copied three of mine from the first page of this thread!

 

Got carried away

 

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."