The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition. Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand. Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle Matesh1t: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants. And for the Kiwi's amongst us: Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.
A loud, fat, unattractive woman walks in Kmart with her 2 kids screaming obscenities at them. The door greeter says "Good morning, welcome to Kmart, nice kids, are they twins?" The fat woman replies "Do they look like twins, you f*cken stupid ****!!" The door greeter replies "Absolutely NOT!! I just can believe that anyone would want to f*ck you twice!"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my Gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!' Ciao, M
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.' This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting. . . 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'...
Why men don't write advice columns Dear Larry, I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with a woman, our next door neighbour. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Jane Response Dear Jane: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.. I hope this helps. Larry
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor !!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'. The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner.. . . . . . . . . . 'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home... As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified: 1..... Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!' Ciao, M
just to help those out who haven't heard the Mary-Lou pill joke : Billy-Joe and Mary-lou were taking a walk thru the woods and Billy-Joe was holding these small round balls that looked like pills, Mary-Lou asks BJ what they are - BJ : smarty pills ML ML: what are smarty pills BJ ? BJ: they make you smart ML ML: can I have one BJ ? BJ: sure ML ML :YUK!! ..... hmm I don't feel any smarter BJ can I try another one ? BJ : sure ML ML: YUK!! ..... hmm I don't feel any smarter BJ can I try another one ? BJ : sure ML ML: YUK!! BJ , these here smarty pills taste like sheep **** BJ: you're getting smarter ML
HORSE TIPS A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at Crown casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on famously and ended up in bed. The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Flemington that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock. In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths. In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers around her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front. In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her pubes. He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?' '****', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the c*nt was scratched!'
The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. The Wife Store To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
In case you missed it elsewhere....one of our very own won a businessmans' award. www.pless.com.au/lago username roger password sux congratulations
the "world police" will delete this you know after the crying towel has been extensively used by the sycophant crowd
nah they won't...it's in the joke thread where it belongs. it wasn't in an appropriate thread before.
"Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! ''What's going on here?' 'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly. 'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? 'I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!' " Ciao, M
i crack me up http://aussieexotics.com/forum/aussie-exotics-lounge/post-quota-the-karma-train-t3000.0.html;msg43338#msg43338
