What to do with my 14-year old daughter when I have her for the weekend......?

I'll give another response from the other perspective. My parents got divorced when I was about 10 or so, and my brother was 8ish. My dad only lived about 15 minutes away so that part is a bit different, but here are some similarities: We'd see him every-other weekend, and usually for dinner on Wednesdays. As we grew older (and could drive, etc), my brother kept making it clear that he wasn't interested in spending the entire weekend with my dad. I knew it meant a lot to my dad, so I saw him every other weekend almost without fail until I left for college. My brother sounds more like your daughter. At first my dad was a little upset that my brother didn't want to spend as much time with him, but after a while, it was not such a big deal. Once I went to college, my dad still had dinner with my brother every week, but they didn't spend the weekend together.

My dad now lives about an hour away, and still comes to have dinner with me and my brother every week. Neither of us spends much time with him other than that, except for a few times a year when we go out to his place for the day or whatever.

During the time I would spend the whole weekend at my dad's, I do remember feeling like I was missing out on spending time with friends, etc. And I know that's the reason my brother stopped doing it.

What I'd suggest is, allow your daughter to make the decision. Ask her what weekend she'd like you to come out. If she picks, maybe it'll give her a chance to pick a weekend when her friends are busy or whatever. She might also feel like it's less of a set thing and more like... "hey, want to hang out with dad? when are you free?" The fact that you live far away makes it more difficult, but I applaud you for making a big effort to remain in her life.

Interestingly enough, my brother and my dad are closer than my dad and I are now. They both share similar interests (music), and my dad often stays for a while after dinner to play guitar with my brother. I usually just go to dinner and head home. So you never know.

I agree with the person that suggested allowing your daughter to invite friends along, if she wants. I'll sometimes bring one of my friends to dinner and it's a much different experience. My dad always jokes with my friend and the conversation is much more lively than when it's just us. My dad enjoys including my friend(s) and it adds variety as well.

 

Big +1!

Good on you.

 

For your uniqueness. Impress her w/ your skills. Show her she can be more than she expects from herself by discovering her own talents. This requires some amount of insight. Then maybe a sport that both can participate in (play time) which could be from tennis to snow boarding. In all, show her how she can be “better than the boys” while never letting them know she is coming.

 

Teach her about cars. It will help her be more confident that she knows things that other girls don't and tell her that when she gets older boys will dig it (big selling point). Better yet, find a driving school that will accept her as a student - it will help her start fostering better driving skills so that she'll be better prepared when she gets her license/permit. Trust me, your stock will really rise in her book. Some of my best memories with my dad are at the track, car shows and in the garage.

 

There is alot of great advice and idea's here yet I especially like the advice of letting her bring a friend along with her next time. It allows her a cushion away from the parenting scenario and then allow them decide what they want to do and pretty soon you could be considered the coolest dad on the block. I come from a divorced family, my dad has been married 4 times after his divorce from my mom, and the children are normally the most effected by it. Not to brag on myself but I am great with kids and teen's because I treat them as a person and not like I'm better than them simply because I am older.

Bottom line just let your daughter know how much you love her and that you will always be there for her and her happiness is your highest priority. Sit down and have an open discussion with her about how you feel and how she feel's and see what she says, I think she will surprise you in a good way. The main thing and the most important is that you are involved in her life because believe me when I say I know what it is like to feel unwanted or loved by a parent and there is no worse feeling in the world than that.

Best of luck yet I'm sure things will get better,
Gregg

 

I don't think that it's just your daughter that feels that way. I think that any 14 year old would feel the same way and say the same thing. If it was 20+ years ago she would want to just hang with her friends and talk on the phone. Now the computer and texting has replaced the telephone.

Maybe you could take trips somewhere and let her bring a friend? I hated family trips when I was a kid. But if I could bring a friend it was much more fun.

 

I have 2 daughters - 13 and 15, both now with cell phones - they love texting. What we have found with them as well as their older brothers is that although in the teenage years (especially 15-17) they are endlessly grouchy with you and leave you with the impression that they do not want to talk with you hardly ever, much less spend time with you, in actuality it is important to them to know that you want to be with them and that you care by setting limits and holding them back from things for their own good. They don't realize it right then and there, but they do later.

So, we force family activities (time together) and we set some minor limits on texting (e.g., not during dinner), but my primary suggestion to help you maintain a good rapport with your daughter (in addition to what you already do) is to text with her when you are not together. We have found that if we call our kids on the phone, then all they want to do is get off the call, but they will text with us almost endlessly. For a girl her age, there is also some coolness to having a dad that texts. My second suggestion is to echo what others have said about occasionally letting her bring a friend - that will make a fun weekend for her and you will get to see and enjoy her interaction with other kids.

 

+100
Excellent advice that could only come from experience.

 

Very cool.