A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!" Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars." "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure. Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone? Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham." (ringing) Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..." Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara." Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush" Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo." Barbara: "You think?" Maggie: "I'm sure." Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up) Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?" Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo" Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "It is." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet." Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." (clapping) That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest? Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of B****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the B***H in the kitchen."
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood. The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk. The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people." The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process. On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what its doing. As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he says The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. Baby Bottle NippleOn the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process. Wait a second, the future shift manager says, I know what the hiss, hiss is but whats with the pop noise every once in a while? Oh, that hehe. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process. says the guide It pokes a hole in every third condom. But that cant be good for the condoms! the observant shift manager replied. Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!
A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table. The professor tells the class In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animals body.Cow For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cows butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just standthere, paralyzed at what they see. Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you, the professor says. Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cows butt, and I sucked on my index finger Now, learn to pay attention. The moral: Lifes tough, but its even tougher when youre stupid.
John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably wont get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it. He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctors examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the mans butt was his glass eye staring right back at him! You know John, said the doctor, youre really going to have to learn to trust me.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin... After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!! The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes. 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don' have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Then it was the woman's turn... She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.' MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me Janice, who created the universe? When Janice didnt stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. God Almighty! shouted Janice and the teacher said, Very good and Janice fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Janice, Who is our Lord and Saviour. But, Janice didnt even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. Jesus Christ! shouted Janice and the teacher said, Very good, and Janice fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Janice jumped up and shouted, If you stick me with that thing one more time, Ill break it in half and stick it up your ass! the teacher fainted!
John really wanted to buy a motorcycle. He had been searching nearly every day, with no luck (he’s quite picky). One day he comes across a mint looking Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one even though it’s 10 years old, really shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, on the spot, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. “Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.” And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandy, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they ride the bike over there. But, just before they enter the house, Sandy stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in… When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.” “No problem,” he says. And in they go. John is shocked at the sight. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, of course, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandy. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. He stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her brains out right in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom definately horrified, but, when he sits back down nobody says a word. John, looking over at Sandy’s mom, things to himself she’s pretty hot. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. His girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, “All right, thats enough, I’ll do the F***ing dishes!”
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you. The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop. Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me! The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says Surpise, its me the Hippie! The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says Surprise, its me the bus driver!
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. The biker pulled over and said, Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. The Lord said, Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what shes thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy. The Lord replied, You want two lanes or four on that bridge?.
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the students immediate family. A smart a$$ student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor? As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. Well, he responded, I guess youll just have to learn to write with your other hand.
An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer I have a proposition for you You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husbands soul, your childrens souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners. The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: So, whats the catch?
A young, intelligent medical student specializing in sexual disorders decides to take a tour of a local clinic. Eager to impress a future doctor, the chief resident shows him around the facility. While discussing current cases and the facility, they stumble across a patient masturbating in his room. What condition does he have? the student asks. He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder, the resident replies. If he doesnt ejaculate 20-30 times a day, hell become confused and disoriented. As the pair continue their tour, the student walks past another room and sees a patient with his pants around ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. What about him? the student asks. Whats his story? Oh, its the same condition, the doctor replies. He just has a better health plan.
A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave? Of course not, sweetheart. her mother replied, Why ever would you ask such a question? The headstone back there said Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.
A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because thats the type of ticket she paid for. Dumb BlondeThe blonde woman replies, Im blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to Chicago and Im staying right here. After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that theres a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, Im blonde, Im beautiful, Im going to Chicago and Im staying right here. The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, You say shes blonde? Ill handle this. Im married to a blonde. I speak blonde. He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, Oh, Im sorry, then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. I told her first class isnt going to Chicago
Confucius is wise, in fact wed be much wiser taking his advice. Below are the top 15 Confucius sayings, otherwise known as his famous analects. While there are literally hundreds or thousands of them, most probably made up - weve picked our favorites. 1. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 2. Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk. 3. War doesnt determine who is right, only who is left. 4. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. 5. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 6. Man who run behind car get exhausted. 7. It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. 8. Man who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs. 9. Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers. 10. Marriage is like game of poker. You start with pair and end with full house. 11. Man who farts in church sits in his own pew. 12. He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons. 13. Elevator smell different to midget. 14. Those who quote me are fools. 15. Confucius say too damn much.
