9 to go
not sure if its done the rounds............ Latest toy to hit the shops is a talking Muslim doll. Nobody knows what it says yet because no-one has got the nerve to pull the cord!!!! hope that's not too offensive in this day n age............
This probably already here......... A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Brisbane and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barman, 'Don't mind us, we're Joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two XXXX Draught beers please' The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make Polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, boys?' 'Off to America next month,' says Joe.. 'We go to the States Every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees. 'Ah, America, 'says the barman.' Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture...' 'Nah, we don't like that US crap,' says Joe. 'Meat Pies & XXXX beer,' that's us, hey Jim? 'We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude & egotistical.' 'So why keep going to America?' asks the barman. Joe replies, 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirm ing around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother a nd ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon , she'd come and pick me up from school."
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."
This is probably how the extreme Greenies and vocal minority would like to see it... that's the way our world is heading... Preliminary Accident Report FT 1549. Captain held responsible for unauthorized actions which resulted in crash says F.A.A.. Subject: NTSB Report on Flight 1549 ---------------- NTSB report on Flight 1549 US Airways violated Federal migratory bird regulations by hunting geese with an A320 Airbus jetliner, claim anonymous government sources. The pilot of flight 1549, Air Force veteran and avid hunter Chesley B. Sullenberger, tried combining both of his interests by bagging a brace of geese over the wetlands near New York's LaGuardia airport after takeoff, on his way to Charlotte, North Carolina. The imported European $77 million A320 airliner is not certified for either waterfowl or upland bird hunting, so it was not surprising that the aircraft malfunctioned. When he realized that both New York and New Jersey State Game and Fish enforcement officers would soon be approaching, Captain Sullenberger unsuccessfully attempted to hide the plane in the Hudson River. The crew and 150 passengers were chilled and shaken but unhurt. Most were simply grateful to avoid spending the weekend in Charlotte. National Transportation Safety Board inspectors rushed to the scene, and reportedly found no Duck Stamps on the downed aircraft's fuselage. Captain Sullenberger has not been charged, but is being held incommunicado at an undisclosed location. PETA is urging the government to prosecute the pilot for double honkercide and poaching, and the animal rights group is expected to file a civil suit on behalf of the flock. The two victims were undocumented aliens, according to sources close to the investigation, Canada geese who had over-stayed their visas. Their goose gang scandalized their quiet Queens community by squatting in local cemeteries and golf courses, parking on the grass, cooking strange-smelling food and throwing wild parties late into the night. Neighbors say police dogs were called out on several occasions. Such incidents have triggered a wave of anti-Canada goose sentiment, but at this time revenge or hate crime motives are not suspected in the US Airways bird bashings. Forensic examination of the avian corpses continues, and technicians are analyzing the two cadavers under heat with chestnuts, prunes, and Armagnac. NTSB inspectors have contributed a supply of testing fluid, a 2005 Zind-Humbrecht Riesling from Alsace. We will update this story as entrees details become available.
http://www.4wheelsnews.com/finnish-millionaire-receives-a-143196-speed-ticket/ Jari Bär, the Finnish millionaire and former proprietor of the Iisalmi’s company Finnritilä was given a penalty of 111,888 Euros ($143,196) for driving at 82 km/h (51mph) in a 60 km/h (37 mph) zone last January in Siilijärvi, Finland. The fine would have only been 115 Euros if the speed was 80km/h. The enormous penalty for just a speeding ticket was explained this way. In Finland, traffic fines are dependent on the daily income of the violator. Since Mr. Bär was 2 km/h over the speed limit he had to pay an equivalent of his income in 12 days. As it turned out, Mr. Bär’s daily income in 2007 was computed at 9,300 Euros since he sold a majority stocks in his company that year. This is the reason why he had to pay a 111,888 Euro over-speeding penalty. Since Mr. Bär’s income this year is not as sizeable as that back in 2007, he is not quite happy to be cashing out such a large sum for just a speeding ticket.
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings? "Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover fore skins from the circumcisions you perform?"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. > . . . . . . . . . . . > "What we do is save up all the fore skins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick." J.A. G
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there. J.A. G
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a ***** like that." I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch. My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me. A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about 5ex at that age." "Curious about 5ex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a ****." Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland , staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. The outgoing message: Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do - Press 3 To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day! If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it. J.A. G
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?' The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...' 'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a 5 million Euro savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath).............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' 'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Da a hug... J.A. G
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home!! J.A. G.
