Discipline with your kids - Part II

Sounds like your revenge will be very thorough and I'm sure will be as sweet as sugar!

 

Im a little confused here Pete...

So because she wore inappropriate jeans YOU didnt go to church ? Am I missing something ?

I dont have kids so Im not going to give parenting advice. But the above confused me.

 

What is the "diversion technique?"

Oh and peter, is this the same girl with the cell phone text message from dad behind her thing? If so, how is she not still on double secret probation from that one?

 

I will have to agree with that one also. All I can say is being a parent is tough starting from birth much less than my situation when I get thrown in at the deep end 7 years after my daughters birth.

As for you Pete I don't have a suggestion at this time.

 

Does she enjoy going to church? Personally, if I was 15 years old and forced to attend church, I would be pretty pissed off...

 

At age 15, kids test their limits. Letting them know what is acceptable and what is not is normal parenting. Kids will resist seeing if they can push those limits and they will want to see if their decisions are okay. In this case, the decision to put on torn jeans was not a good one. Your daughter resisted your direction probably because her decision was being challenged. To her, to put on torn jeans was an okay decision as she probably believes they are stylish for her. I think you are going to have (should have) a little discussion with your daughter on what is appropriate to wear to church. Normal stuff IMO. Just keep your cool and things will work out.

 

Hi Peter!

I know neither you nor your daughter, canceling a (long planned?) tour seems a bit harsh to me. Canceling standard "perks" is ok, but this is just a big case. She will think it is unfair and undue, which will strain you relationship pretty hard, I think.

Being quite young, 24, and not a father, my opinion on raising kids is to be consequential. In this way, they learn respect, to find their place and to accept punishment, when they have done wrong. The most important thing with this way is to explain them how and why you are consequential on a certain topic. This will be their lighthouse navigating puberty. And the punishments need to be in a way they can understand it and relate it to their misbehaviour.
This is the hard way in education for the educator, because you need a lot of energy to be consequential to yourself, but you will be stunned with the outcome. This is the way my parents raised me and I think they have done their job quite good. You don´t even need to beat them up, which traumatises a lot of kids, because a lot of people are overshooting the goal and really injure them. Emotionaly and physicaly. Never EVER say them, you don´t love them anymore, that is like beating the crap out of them with a baseball bat. And no, I am definitvely not one of those "no rules, hurray!" types.

P.s.: I can´t stand people giving their kids everything they need immediatly and are afterwards wondering why their kids are such spoiled brats.
P.P.s: "The above post just represents my opinion and I am not liable for any negatvie results" ;-)

Greetings,
Chris

 

Just had this same conversation with the wife the other day. We're expecting our first, so no kids just yet. I'd expect full obedience and compliance with our wishes from our kid(s). It's not just a matter of living under my roof, but respect to the parents and elders in general. I grew up in a different country, and was taught to respect parents, elders, and teachers, who are the ultimate authority figure. Never talk back, never disobey, period!

If she was my kid, I'd explained to her my intention on why dress code is important to me, grandma, church..etc. It's a respect to the people around her and I'd ask her to go change and not leave the house until she does. If she chooses not to, it means she chose punishment, and that is really up you. I have no problem with physical punishment. I got plenty when I was a kid, and discipline is instilled in me regardless of if I was living under my parents roof or not. This respect and discipline will carry through my kids, and onto their kids. Sometimes good kids act up too, because they're kids!

I think the most important message for kids is to learn to respect AND follow parent/elder's guidance and wishes (I am not talking about abusive parents..etc.). Until they demonstrate that they can make good decisions own their own.

My $0.01.

 

I for one am having a little trouble understanding why you took her to church and then went home. I can understand that you were pissed but that seems like a little bit of an over reaction to me. I don't see how that response would have taught her anything.

As for the pants, I can see how they are inappropriate for church but I for one would say jeans themselves are inappropriate for church, ESP on Easter.

 

Well, but kids just have to be fully obedient 24/7, they never learn to make their own decisions.

 

Good for you on disposing of the IPhone. Could you get rid of my granddaughters phones for me?

 

With my son, although a special circumstance, the very last thing I would and can ever be is passive aggressive because that never works.

He needs to understand more than anyone how to act appropriately........and he is getting better at it. I have to be teaching him every time I interact with him. The similarity here that he does decide to act up (read: not as a self-stimulatory behavior) and test my patience from time to time so I have to deal with it immediately (and not punitively either) because it can only lead to more problems later.

 

Oddly enough, this and the other thread by peter had me wanting to ask you how you do deal with Autistic children. Thanks for that insight.

 

Reading this has me concerned and confused. What you have written sounds like your punishment is very punitive. You are acting as a ruler with an iron fist, and not a father. You demand respect? Teens aren't respectful, nor do they respond well to demands or orders. Yes kids need to be guided. Yes kids need to be told when something is inappropriate. But why are you taking all of these actions (punishments) for a slight misstep? Wouldn't a simple, "Don't do this again or else", suffice? I'm sure now she knows that next time she won't wear those jeans because you told her so.

What concerns me is that a little thing like wearing the wrong pants or a bit of normal rebellious behavior has you so angry that you cannot be in the same building as her. And it seems to me that this is how you normally react to any behavior you do not like. I seriously think you need to re-examine how you approach your parenting. I have never heard of anyone going back to their parents as an adult saying, "Dad, thank you for being angry and punitive with me." These kids either do not go back home, or they hate their parent(s).

Sorry for the edit, but I just have to ask.

Are you one of those people that picks out anything and everything you do not like? Do you wait for her to make a misstep, and then pounce? On second thought, do not answer that because of course you are going to say no, but ponder that one.

Btw, What does her mother think of this? The thread, the picture, your actions. What is her stance on your punishments?

 

By comparison, what he does has no bearing at all on what I do with my son. Eric doesn't have the same wiring that she does so continuously taking things away from him will not change his behaviors, as he will just use something else to self stimulate. Also, Eric, as an Autistic child, has no capacity for hate so I don't have the same fears that other parents might.