Here's a new one: How do you know when your GF is going to breakup with you?

What kind of behaviour changes?

 

If she came into the relationship trying to change you... and you changed... then her challenge is over.

 

You're right. As soon as they figure they have gained control they're subconsciously onto finding the next one that will stand up to them. That's why so many are attracted to bad boys. Oh, they'll keep you around for a while but it'll probably get expensive as they keep you on the ropes and the respect disappears. wussification = dead meat.

 

You come home and she is getting banged harder than a screen door in a hurricane..... By the guy next door??

Or a text.....

 

The bad guy thing imo goes away after a certain age. You dont want to be with the girls who never get out of that phase imo. Eventually they want the guy who can afford to pay for them and truly take care of them and most bad guys simply cant.

A girls number one need is security. Yes you have the femnazi's who try and do it all on their own but at the end of the day even they want a man to hold em and take care of them at night and for the rest of their lives.

Also if you never give a little bit they will eventually walk. Every man who has gotten married and has had it last a life time definitely gave in here and there. And lets not fool ourselves even those in a relationship that last a year or so have given in here and there.

My issue was I wasnt ready to settle for the 9-5. Im still in that mode where I want to take huge risks with the goal of making a seriously better life down the road. Some of those risks lead to rather big career changes and also the lose of a career do to a medical issue. All of that showed uncertainty(IE read lack of stability/security)for a girl who was at a point in her life that she wanted to settle down in every way(career, family, relationships, etc.). I wanted to settle down to on the relationship side but not on the career side.

A few things could be going on in JR case. A lot depends on how long they have been together? The age of the girl, etc....

He also just transitioned from an active military life to a rather calm civilian life. I have noticed that those girls who are still in the bad boy phase can lose interest in a man if for some reason he is no longer seen as the bad boy for whatever reason. In JR case she saw him as the superman so to speak, now that he is no longer that she has lost interest. IMO those girls are best left behind because they will be immature in a million other ways. Fun yes because they are the danger seeker/adventurous type but not long term keepers.

A man must also always remember a girl is on a clock that we simply are not on. Majority of women still want kids and there is a window of time for that that can be different for every girl but it is 99% of the time between 18-35. A man unless hit upside the head sometimes wont take this into consideration.

Theres always two sides to these stories and the girls often times have legit concerns and complaints as do the men. Sometimes they dont though.

 

Sometimes the changes arent controlled by us. Its not so much she changed him its that circumstance/life changed.

A girl will always try and change you and a man will nearly always change that is not a bad thing. The opposite also happens.

I suspect in JR case she may have fell in love with his military side and now that that is over she kind of lost interests. In other words she is immature. I have seen this over and over again from race car drivers to soldiers when their career ends for whatever reason.....

She may also feel that marriage/baby clock ticking and JR isnt responding to that nor does he need to. But imo that is fair concern of hers just as it is fair for jr to not want to go through with that right now.

 

{I added the #s.}

I think it is #3 with pressure from her mom followed by #1. The thing that really bugs me though is the way she has been going about it. Now trust me I am not the kind of guy that thinks a relationship is all hot and heavy all the time, but there was a marked shift to the right about a year ago that has never recovered itself. This, coupled with the "why buy the cow when the milk is free" attitude scares the crap out of me.

With the mercurial nature of her, and girls in general, I totally expect to piss her off married or not from time to time. So if this is a weapon she can use now and keep it up for 12+ months, what happens when you "own the cow" and she gets mad at me again?

 

How old is she? I'd just sit dwn with her and lay all the cards on the table. Let her give her side and you give yours. Try and meet in the middle. If ya can't do that then probably best y'all part ways. But mean what you say. If you say I can marry you in a year or whatever do it or shell hold it against you. It's not fair to drag 'em on IMO. Dudes IMO need to just be direct a lot more with them. I feel a lot of guys know what's wrong or what to do but for some reason won't address it from the start. The moment I smell smoke I try and put out the fire no matter how little.

After this last one I was in I'm definitely going to rethink the whole marriage thing for a while though lol. I think my lesson though was don't date a young investment banker lol.

 

The phrase, "always have a back up" comes to mind here.

Bottom line is if you're not really into the settling down thing then you'll find yourself cycling through them when the "grinding" starts to be too much of a pain. Sometimes if they think the grass is greener, just let them go and figure it out. Don't be surprised if they just wind up sitting at home and getting more bitter as that "clock" ticks away. If the kid thing is what you want then that option is always available as there are plenty of candidates for that. Either way you go being fulfilled and happy is what it's all about.

 

When her favorite bird changes from the swallow to the duck!

 

LMAO!!!!

 

LMFAO!

 

Im writing that one down.

 

If you are not 100% sure you want to marry her, obviously don't. I'm not advocating playing games, but I wonder what she would do if during "your talk" you took the initiative and told her this wasn't working for you and every time there is pressure for more committment you want to leave. Permanently.

My guess is that will either be the end of the relationship or the balance of power within it will significantly shift in your favor. This assumes she is a decent person and capable of being in a healthy relationship. Many women (and men) are not. I have to have a similar discussion early in August.

I heard a saying once...the one that loves the least controls the relationship. After a lifetime of being the one that loves more, I can say that statement is absolutely true.

I'm not sure how long you have been with her, but if you are still on the fence after years with her, she is not a good prospect for you to marry.

One thing I have found out the hard way is that women are much more cunning in hiding their faults and agenda while dating, but their true behavior comes out after the wedding. You might really never know who you are marrying until your first wedding anniversary. If she can effortlessly change her tone and mannerisms based on who she is talking to that should be a big red flag that you also have been dating a character. I know I can tell who my wife is talking on the phone with by the tone of her voice and her laugh. Found this little tidbit out the hard way as I have seen behind her mask most of the world sees.

 

HAHAHAHA!!!!!! Good one!!

-Gil

 

I had a relationship where the girl began to up the frequency on her "marriage & kids" talk. In her case, she was not marriage material but it was too fun to give up... so I strung it along as fasr as I could. She finally gave me an ultimatum, and I kicked her out. She moved in with a "friend" of mine the next day, got preggo and got married later that month. She is now divorced and wants to crawl back... but she showed her true colors - she was not marriage material. She pushed the guy into it, and those children will suffer now, too. Bottom line, if she's so selfish that she MUST get married and MUST have kids asap, then she will forever be self-centered and forcing whatever she wants. Better off alone, than with such a woman.

 

There is no room for selfishness in marriage. In marriage, you give yourself to the other person. And then when you have children, you are no longer living for yourself; you (plural) are living for them. This is how a marriage works, and this is where you will find true joy and happiness in marriage. Everything else -- almost everything talked about in this thread -- is just games and manipulation. When you are ready to make that woman-- and subsequently any children you may have -- the most important thing in your life, and when you go "all in", for better or for worse, dedicated no matter what, then you are ready for marriage.

When she is your girlfriend, it should be heaven on earth. If you are having issues now, if there are "things you need to work out", red flags, blah blah blah, then it's not going to work. When she is dedicated to you, there is nothing to work out, no issues; and vice versa when you are dedicated to her.

Love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy, does not boast, is not self-seeking, is slow to anger, and keeps no record of wrongs. Love always protects, hopes, trusts, and perseveres. When you are like that, then you are marriage material; when she is like that, then she is marriage material. It doesn't take a whole lot of time to see if a relationship is heading in that direction. If there are any red flags from her, move on. If there are any red flags with yourself, fix your issues or don't ever think about marriage, and spare her the agony and waste of time of being with you.

If your career is more important than her, then you are married to your career. If she loves you, she will selflessly support you in your career or vocation (assuming it is an honorable one), and you will do the same for her. Sure, you will have to make choices and compromises along the way, but when both people love the other one and put the other one first, they are happy no matter the outcome, and they end up making the choices that are fairest and best for all.

The whole "immaturity" thing is 50% bullcrap. Too often people mistake selfishness for immaturity. Selfishness (or poor character or stupidity) is not something you necessarily grow out of. Most of the women I've met who were "marriage material" in their 30s were marriage material when they were younger; they just had not met a decent guy yet. Same thing with guys. Do you really think that someone who spent the first 15 years of their adolescence and adulthood living for themselves is going to change? When you practice something for that long, how easy is that habit or lifestyle to break? I mean, yes, it does happen . . . but not the majority of the time. Do you really want to bet your life, your finances, and the memories and consequences you will live with for the rest of your life on that? I'd go for someone who was always of good character, not someone who supposedly "matured" or is "settling down" -- It will take a lot of convincing to me that someone who spent her younger years acting selfishly has changed her ways, and is not just reacting selfishly to her ticking biological clock.

You reap what you sow.


- Tony K.
(Living in Heaven right here on Earth with my lovely wife and daughter, both of whom I absolutely adore.)

 

Pages, and pages of great advice and views.

 

+1, no need to say more.

 

Tony K, there is some truth in what you write, but you seem to be living in a dreamworld where everything perfect can be achieved. Reality and life often do not provide that. You do the best you can with what you have. Sitting and waiting around for Florence Nightingale will lead to a lot of sitting around and waiting for most people.

With the right chemistry, people do change quickly and remarkably. It just takes the right person to bring out the niceness lurking within such people, who have put on layers and layers of poor attitudes and behaviours.

Overall though, I do agree with the basic premise of your post: Seek a good person and realize that marriage means setting aside the "me" for the "us".

 

Exactly, there's no "me" in marriage. I don't see any "us" or "we" either? I see "age" though

PS - there's an "i"

 

No me. No us. No them. Hmmm.

The arr is right there, though. Does that mean good things for (butt) pirates? :-D

 

You were very fortunate to have found "a good one" and not someone pretending to be a good one.

Obviously some component of you deciding to marry her came from your good judgment, but you were more lucky than good.

 

How bout for the over 40's where kids are not an issue, and many women are self sufficient. It's a whole different discussion then. I read boomers are getting divorced at an alarming rate now that kids are out of the house and both are independent. Easier or harder for new relationships? Allot of people are going to see how complicated things can be.

 

In general a relationship is dead when a girl stops respecting you.

You'll know it when you don't get nearly the same response you used to get. She blows you off. She openly disregards your opinions. She doesn't laugh at your jokes. Although it happens suddenly it's no big deal, just be honest with yourself when it does.

The mistake is to wait for her to break up with you. Just tell her you're ending it. Three things can happen:

1) She agrees to end it and you replace her with a better girlfriend
2) She agrees to end it and you don't replace her and have a lot of free time
3) She breaks down in tears and changes, then you have control/respect in the relationship

All of which are better than walking on egg shells waiting for some emotional basket case to ruin your day/week/month.

Another poster said that the person who loves the least controls the relationship, this is entirely true. But I look at it this way, if the person controlling the relationship is doing a good job you won't mind at all. It's like going around the track with a race car driver, you'll end up doing things you never thought possible.

But if the person at the wheel is reckless and making life miserable, either take control of the situation or get out of the car.