Aussie joke thread

Sorry if a Repost.


The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris, the show's presenter,
"but for a million Euros you've only got one Lifeline left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow





b) Thrush,





c) Magpie,





d) Cuckoo?"




"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,

''So I'll use my last Lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.

"Dat's simple cried Paddy, it's a Cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"



"Because he lives in a Clock!"

 

Just watching Fox News. It's beginning to look like Christmas in New York..... They have got trees in the shops.

 

Start spreading the news....

 

that the latest 'breaking' news ?

 

Hilarious

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-C_x5JmHa7E[/ame]

 

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Now they tell me.
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Is this your mate from the GP?

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/man-busted-with-pot-in-his-pants-20121101-28lvw.html

 

LOL.

 

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A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

walk into a very fine restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

 

Hmmmmmmmmmm, a photograph of a T Shirt with the word A****** on it, and this is where your mind goes.

NTTAWWT

 

I blame it on KIAI.

 

Did M.Y. tell you that one?

 

Whom?








All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.

He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

 

You know M.Y. Lives with you.

 

Bonny told me.

 

Lucy says "Nice Blonde Eyebrows Bonny".

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Thanks.

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''Dyslexic man walks into a Bra".

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the Road.''

 

Sickos