A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." After a silent moment the husband spoke first and politely stated, "Well, neither one of us suck ****."
JOKE...A LITTLE CLEANER WHAT DOES THE REV BILLY GRAHAM AND THE NEW YORK JETS HAVE IN COMMON??????? ANSWER....THEY BOTH HAVE THE POWER TO GET 60,000 PEOPLE OFF THEIR SEATS AND AT THE SAME TIME AND YELL "JESUS CHRIST"
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Oklahoma and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own. The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Oklahoma. We settle small disagreements like this with the Okie Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A man returned home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the curb with her suitcase beside her. "What are you doing?", he asked. "I'm leaving you," she replied. "Why?!", the man inquired. "I just realized that I can make $400 a night doing what I do with you for free," she answered. The man went into the house and returned a few minutes later with a suitcase and sat down on the curb beside her. "What are you doing?", she asked. "I'm going with you," he replied. "I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year."
Alright one more.... A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and an apple. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches. "You must be single," he slurs. The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on Earth did you know?" "Simple," He replies, "you're ugly."