"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies (And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
Thought some of you may enjoy these: DOUBLE ENTENDRES... > MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." > KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." > MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." > JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." > Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." > CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." > AMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" > STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." > THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." > WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." > CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." > A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! > US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!" > METRO Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." > HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." > TED Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." > NEW Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him." PAT Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!
I have quite a few of these things guys so will post them up over the next few days. THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs AND COVERING LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN THE JULY 21, 1997 ISSUE OF FORTUNE MAGAZINE 1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms." 2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments" 11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 15.. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." 18. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers." 20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me." THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better." THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS 1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 2. A room temperature IQ. 3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 6. Bright as Alaska in December. 7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 8. He's so dense, light bends around him. 9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 10. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm. 11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 13. This soldier will spend the rest of his service career pushing doors marked pull!
