THE GYM--------------------------------------

> > The Gym
> >
> > For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
> > purchased a week of personal training at the local health
> > club for me.
> >
> > Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
> > football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
> > ahead and give it a try.
> >
> I Called the club and made my reservations with a personal
> > trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
> > 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
> > clothing and swim wear.
> >
> > My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
> >
> > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
> >
> > Monday:
> > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but
> > found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
> > club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of
> > a Greek goddess-with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
> > dazzling white smile. Belinda gave me a tour and showed
> > me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on
> > the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
> > but I attribute it to standing next to her in her
> > Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful
> > way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
> > workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging
> > as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
> > from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
> > is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> >
> > Tuesday:
> > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
> > the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
> > iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs
> > were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
> > mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
> > I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
> >
> > Wednesday:
> > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
> > toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
> > forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
> > Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
> > I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
> > was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
> > other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
> > for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets
> > this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
> > when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> > stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine
> > to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
> > enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
> >
> > Thursday:
> > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
> > exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
> > full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
> > it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me
> > to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
> > I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find
> > me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
> > - which I sank.
> >
> > Friday:
> > I hate that b itch Belinda more than any human being
> > has ever hated any other human being in the history of
> > the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader.
> > If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
> > I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
> > don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
> > don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything
> > that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure
> > you learned in the sadist school you attended and
> > from which you graduated magna cum laude.) The
> > treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
> > and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
> > someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
> > director?
> >
> > Saturday:
> > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
> > her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not
> > show up today. Just hearing her made me want
> > to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
> > lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
> > ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
> > Weather Channel.
> >
> > Sunday:
> > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
> > today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
> > over. I will also pray that next year my wife
> > (the b itch) will choose a gift for me that is fun
> > -like a root canal or a vasectomy.