TonyH your jokes are the best !
A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours inVietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started." The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?" "Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that" --------------------------------------------------------------------- If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink a beer. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism --------------------------------------------------------------------- Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). --------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rules Rules Men Wish Women Knew If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is not sport. Anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Check your oil. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Anyone can buy condoms.
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." the neighbor said. "Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!" DL
Again.... a true story that make's us laugh everytime we get together with these friends. Our friends were going through a major remodel. As we all know costs can get out of hand if you don't watch it, and they were conscience of that as they were selecting various materials and contractors for the remodel. One day they, our husband and wife friends, were in a showroom looking at kitchen and bathroom fixtures. The sales person was aware of their concern of trying to manage the costs of the project. As they were reviewing the different options in the bathroom showroom, the salesman perceived that they were lukewarm about what he was showing them. Not wanting to lose the sale, he quickly asked them if they would be interested in looking at the KOHLER line stating that it would be a little more expensive. She quickly responded no no no, WHITE sinks and toilets would be just fine!
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He checks it out and sees oil dripping out of the engine. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station, drops the car off and goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a double scoop of vanilla ice cream but makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. He just finishes his ice cream just before he gets back, then asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, no, it's just ice cream, I swear!"
Things Overheard in the Operating Room Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there. Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? There go the lights again!
Court sayings A series of things said in court: Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: What is your date of birth? A: December 30th. Q: What year? A: Every year. : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news." Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time." --------------------------------------------------------------------- The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel,sir. "The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town ----------------------------------------------------------------------- One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?" "Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his skeptical friend. "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So, I took the truck!" "Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never fit you." -------------------------------------------------------------------- While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 km/h over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find cop with a radar gun on the other side Laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which I replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?" To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..... ---------------------------------------------------------------- The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
