FRIDAY JOKE-----------

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

 

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.
One night the daughter came home looking very down.
"How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother.
"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."
"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"
"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"

 

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

 

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail and very hard of hearing.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing diamonds and a full-length fur coat. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm--they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London these days."

The girl took his hands and said "Dad--I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. Obviously I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand on his chest and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest administered the Last Rites with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing nearby, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a goner--killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what she's become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say PROSTITUTE ?? I thought you said PROTESTANT!!

 

DL,
I like that ! You been holding out on me?!