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10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, Sep 10, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
    where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
     
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  3. 400SPYDER

    400SPYDER F1 Rookie

    Jul 7, 2004
    3,451
    Kent, England
    Full Name:
    kevan

    :p:):D
    Superb Tony

    By the way do you have daughters?!

    Cheers Kevan

    :) See you down the road - with big smiles on our faces! :)
     
  4. millemiglia

    millemiglia Formula Junior

    Jan 14, 2003
    925
    Stockholm, Sweden
    Full Name:
    Peter B.
    I love them, especially four and six!

    My daughter have a birthmark below her waistline, so when she reaches dating-age, I will ask the guy after her first date if he has seen this.
    If he has, he is history as far as I'm concerned...

    /Peter
     
  5. MS250

    MS250 Two Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Dec 10, 2003
    24,984
    Full Name:
    Avvocato
    I have spent many anights thinking of this as you. WHen I think about the possibilities of what can go wrong...lets just say your rules are much too soft. I think we need to lighten up and teach our daughters to be more like there mothers......remember that joke " Daddy, whats the difference between a Pu**y and a c**t. The father shows his son a playboy mag and opens it up and says this is a Pu**y. Then opens the door in there bedroom and says, see your mom, shes a c**t. Thats the difference. LOL, I couldnt resist that one.....lol
     
  6. C. Losito

    C. Losito Formula Junior

    Dec 12, 2003
    908
    Metro St. Louis
    Full Name:
    Chris Losito
    Yes, sir!

    p.s. Don't let our moderator Ryan see these! :D
     
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  8. AR!

    AR! Formula Junior

    Apr 8, 2004
    974
    Berlin, Germany
    Rule eleven: No dating before her 32th birthday ;-)
     
  9. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Kevan,
    she's 4,but i'm getting ground rules in early :D
     
  10. GrahamS

    GrahamS F1 Veteran
    BANNED

    May 29, 2004
    5,447
    24 hours from Tulsa
    Full Name:
    Grandmaster G
    The five words that a father dreads the most

    "But Dad I love him"
     
  11. zakeen

    zakeen Formula Junior
    Rossa Subscribed

    Aug 29, 2004
    984
    Czech Republic
    You would realy like him to change the oil in your Ferrari???
     
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  13. LAfun2

    LAfun2 F1 Veteran

    Oct 31, 2003
    6,106
    California
    Full Name:
    Ryan

    LOL! :D



    Tony

    Great rules! Seems like they were custom written for Carbon. :D Except for rule 7, I am not sure he can change oil. :D
     
  14. coolestkidever

    coolestkidever F1 Veteran

    Feb 28, 2004
    5,486
    CT
    Full Name:
    Patrick
    i dont suggest hockey games b/c its cold and certain things will stick out. :D
     
  15. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,647
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    LOL...! No, i can't change oil... My last serious girlfriend's father (& mother for that matter) hated me... Only time i ever got in her house was when her folks weren't home... (Granted, at 26, she should've had her own place, anyway)...
     
  16. RyanZX6R

    RyanZX6R Formula Junior

    Nov 4, 2003
    254
    Riverside County
    Full Name:
    Ryan
    just tell them you have a shovel and a shotgun. Everything else should be easy to figure out on their own.
     
  17. PeterS

    PeterS Three Time F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed

    Jan 24, 2003
    38,256
    95370
    Full Name:
    PeterS
    I told chelsea (who is ten years old) that she needs to get her purple belt in TKD before she starts dating.

    One day I told her that if she never learns to brush her hair, she will never get a date. Her reply: "That will certainly save you the expense of bullets"!

    He mom told me that on her first date, we will be cleaning our trap guns when her first date comes in the house......If he stays out front and honks for her, we open fire!

    Ooooooh boy. I can hardly wait!
     

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