"On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: "TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, "ELEVEN pipers a-piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), "TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, "NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, "EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, "SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, "SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, "FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, "(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) "FOUR hours of recorded whale songs, "THREE deconstructionist poets, "TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... "ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. "Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) * *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day." Merry Christmas, y'all. And thanks for a great year, FerrariChat!!! Image Unavailable, Please Login
My holiday greeting card: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee. (By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.) *** Disclaimer: Opinions are my own and in no way reflect those of my alternate personality *** This disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized use, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, removal of tag, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, thieving lawyers, crazy ex-girlfriends, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BBs, paintball, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.).
Maranelloman and Dom, Forty years ago, people would have read these two items and thought you guys were out of your minds. They wouldn't have had a clue what you were trying to say. Now the sad part; today we read them and laugh (notwithstanding those who aren't laughing but are offended, of course), but it is a guarded laugh, because what we are reading is oh-so-close to reality.
ISO Standard Christmas 4.2.1 General Tree(s) shall be located at the midpoint and/or sides of the domestic dwelling window, making sure there is good visual contact between all placements of furniture, passerby and with the control freak (see 4.1). They shall be raised no further above the floor of the room than is necessary for a clear view (see 4.7) of all proceedings in the room, i.e. all participants, lecturers, the children, etc., as well as all visual aids (television screen, camera, etc.). The view from the room in relation to the tree shall not be obstructed by persons standing. Thus, the tree should be at least 1,00 m above the floor assuming a level floor. Steep viewing angles shall be avoided (particularly with regard to open fireplaces). In larger rooms the furthest distance from tree to restroom, television screen, camera, etc. shall not exceed 30 m (see 4.6). The gifts (see 4.7) shall be grouped to facilitate visual contact (see 4.9) as well as wrapping (see 4.8) between them.
