Advice needed from those with experience in complicated relationships

run and dont look back

 

Ok this is just scary really. I was in the EXACT SAME POSITION as you four years ago. Not kidding at all. I decided it was worth going forward and took on the father role (her daughter was almost two when we got together) I guess the only difference might be that her biological father didn't want anything to do with his kid. So a year after that my now girlfriend was pregnant with my kid. Well things didn't work out between us because of a LOT of BS, and now I'm a single dad.


My suggestion, GET THE F OUT OF THERE TODAY. I love my daughter and everything, but there is so much drama it is absolutely heart breaking that she is going to have to grow up with it.

 

Here's another level of advice, for when you try to do what all these suggestions are suggesting:

Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. If she doesn't fall immediately into line, get the hell out of there, following through on every promise you've made. Cut your ties and move on. If you show one second of weakness or fail to say what you really mean/intend, you stand a good chance of not going through with the separation and becoming trapped.

Seek as much wisdom as you need. Think the problem through thoroughly and discuss what you can with your partner. Once you're confident in your thinking, act decisively.

 

Are you out of your eff-n mind!

So you marry this girl and adopt her kid (which gets the slimeball of the hook for all child support responsiblity). She then goes back to banging this guy and divorces you, so you're on the hook for alimony and child support -- wayyyy too much potential downside, and she's already proved that she's an idiot by her past behavior. Having a child with another person is not something to be taken lightly!

Run, Forrest, Run

 

The human brain is a strange thing. I read this yesterday and for some strange reason woke up thinking about it this morning.

Let me ask you a serious question, and it is important you answer it honestly to yourself. How close were you to her son? Were you the real father figure for the little guy, or did you tolerate him so you could f*** his mom?

Here is the thing. The sperm donor will likely never be in this kid's life in any meaningful way. And I would wager he will never pay a dime of child support because he will likely never earn any income above the table. Regardless of what the mother does and whether you are with her or not, there is one more thing to ultimately consider...

The boy.

You stated that because of her behavior he will probably grow up to be just like his sperm donor, treating people as though they are disposable and not caring one bit about the feelings of others or his responsibility to them. You are probably right. But here is another difficult fact...

If you leave him, you are contributing to this likely outcome. Who knows, maybe someday he will impregnate and abandon your future daughter. If I have learned anything, it is that nature loves irony.

From my experience, I would advise against dating women with kids, it is a big PITA. But you did and now you find yourself, perhaps unwittingly, as an important person in the life of a little person that really had no say in the matter.

That doesn't mean you have to be with his mother, and in fact she may tell you to take a hike. If she refuses to allow access to her son, you have no legal rights anyway and at that point your conscience would be clear. There is nothing you could do to help him.

But I have a feeling if you made it clear why you are dumping her (the ongoing relationship with the sperm donor), and well as why you think you should still spend some amount of time with her son, there is a good chance she will have a vastly different perspective on the situation. Speaking generally, women want the best for their children, and they want an intact family unit to raise those children in. It is possible she is unsure of you as a long time partner, and holds on to the fantasy of the sperm donor being rehabilitated and magically becoming daddy to the kid. It might sound like manipulation, but your goal should be to shake her out of this unrealistic mindset and get her to understand the folly of her ways.

Imagine you told her that you cannot be with her because of her secretive relationship with the sperm donor, and how it obviously is a doomed relationship with this sociopathic black hole, BUT you still want to be there for her son when he needs you. She would probably look at you with bewilderment. Picking "bad boys" means she would have no experience in people treating her well. Just a guess but she also doesn't have a healthy relationship with her own father either. But if she is smart and reasonably mature, give her some time to ponder the two paths she can travel: with you or with a guy that has shown to be worthless.

If she eventually then chooses the path of being with you, the other side to it is that she cuts off all contact with the sperm donor. If she had half a brain this would be obvious. Until it was obvious to her it probably would not be a good idea to even entertain being with her on your part.

I'm not saying you should try to adopt him or anything, but being available to him and actively trying to be there for him is truly "manning up" if you are the father in his eyes.

 

^^ Very true. The fact that you "hooked up" with a gal with a kid means you owe something to her or you shouldn't have done it in the first place.(or could be lessen learned for future) It might make sense to go the counseling route over this to help iron it all out. That might make her rethink the value in keeping in contact with Mr. Slammer? Time will sort this out that's why I suggested keeping separate living places and just let things play out over the next while.

 

Exactly right on all points.

But

From my experience, my daughters mother wanted me to be the babysitter for her other child instead of the father, keeping me out of the loop on important things such as school, doctors visits, etc.. I told her that I wanted to be the father after we split, and I continued to take care of her at my house, unknowingly becoming the babysitter. I found out from the child that she had been talking to her biological father and that he was starting to come around more. When I confronted the mother she let her guard slip a little and showed a bit of her true intentions, so I cut off all "fatherly" ties. It was very unfortunate and it breaks my heart, but it had to be done so I can look after the best interest of my biological daughter. I talked to her about it but she is still a little young to fully understand the situation, but she knows I'll always be there for her and I love her.

Sometimes the theory of a situation and what "might happen" or "be the best solution/outcome" is only that, a theory, it doesn't always work in practice.

Good luck, this is a tough spot to be in man.



(ps. there are a lot more details I'm leaving out, and different events that took place, but it starts to get even more personal at that point so I'd rather not discuss them here)

 

You should not be asking us for such personal advice, but since you did . . .

run Forest run!

 

Why not unless you personaly know the OP and the only stupid question is the one that is not asked, bro's before ho's.

 

A crazy woman will make you crazy.

 

It is obvious you are so blindly in love (or lust) with her you will not listen to a word of advice.

 

Run man. I dont do they stay in touch with the x thing, especially when they have this much history.

 

If there is any doubt, then there is no doubt...

 

Pretty much 100% of the advice givers all advise the same....get the eff OUT!!!!

Add me to the list! Why get married anyway, but that is a different thread

All the best!

 

Also not to get this into your heard, but even though she may be wring him, that may not all she is sending. It gets very lonely in prison and photos can bring some "relief". Get out, you are going to regret moving forward and like said before, he won't be in prison forever. When he gets out, well I am sure you can guess what will happen. It's a ****ty situation, but you need to lookout for yourself on this one.

 

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcAaILQ0ATo[/ame]

 

I would have to agree with everyone else here and get away as fast as you can. On the flip side I this if the OP does he will be singing this song also.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXieR34Gy3I&ob[/ame]

 

Perhaps by asking you have already heard your inner voice telling you the truth of this situation. Listen to that voice and leave this situation behind you. Life is too short to waste on fruitless and less then healthy relationships. You are already beginning to suffer, why in the world would you make it worse?

 

Get out now.

 

Thanks for the warning lol!!!

 

I was hoping you would catch that and now you must perform a 'Tosh.O' parody "twenty seconds on the clock" as to how your life has improved now that you are cancer free.

 

Congratulations. Be prepared for her to "come to her senses" next month and realize that you were the one, etc. Don't fall for it.