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Almost Thursady Joke--------------

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, May 26, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?""
    Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
    The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
    It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
    About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
    He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
    Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.........
    "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
     
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  3. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
    for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

    Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"

    Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What

    areyou doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

    "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

    She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and

    Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

    Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her! breasts. Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

    "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white

    wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things

    really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

    Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire.

    Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep,

    Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F*CK

    DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

    Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!

    When I go down, I go down in flames!"
     
  4. wax

    wax Four Time F1 World Champ
    Advising Moderator

    Jul 20, 2003
    44,185
    SFPD
    Full Name:
    Dirty Harry
    Alberto = " "
    Tony = ' '
    Maria = * *

    Alberto is cleaning his old bocce balls in the living room of his apartment shared with his absolutely stunning, yet equally dirt-poor wife Maria when his life-long friend (and best man) Tony comes over...

    "Ahhh, Tony, my friend, how are you, eh?"
    'Eh, I am good. I could be better, though. *sigh*'
    "Whattsamattah... you look... aaaah, like-a you could use a woman!"
    *Hello, Tony* - (returns to ironing)
    'mmmmmmm, hello Maria... Alberto, your wife...'
    "Yes, Tony?"
    'She is beautiful!'
    "Yes, she is... mmmmm"
    'Alberto...'
    "Yes, Tony?"
    'She has-a the most... perfecto breasts I have ever seen!'
    "Hey, hey"
    'I'm sorry... I... Alberto?'
    "Yes, Tony?"
    'I, I want, I want to kiss them! They're perfecto!'
    "You what?"
    'It is true! I will pay, oh, I will pay - just to kiss them, oh, god - nothing more'
    ^Alberto looks around crappy apartment^
    "How much we-ah talking about here, eh?"
    'I'll give you... 1,000 lira!'
    "What? No! Get ou..."
    '5,000!'
    "... No."
    '10,000 lira, Alberto!'
    "Maria!"

    ... so, Tony and Maria are in the bedroom, where she's just taken her top off...

    'Oh, they are so beautiful'
    *Eh, they are, aren't they?*
    ^holding, kissing left breast^ 'mmmmmm, I dunno, aaaahhhh'
    ^holding, kissing right breast^ 'mmmmmm, I dunno, aaaahhhh'
    ^holding, kissing left breast^ 'mmmmmm, I dunno, aaaahhhh'
    ^holding, kissing right breast^ 'mmmmmm, I dunno, aaaahhhh'
    *Eh, eh! Fine-a, you kissa my beautiful, perfecto breasts, but whattsammata wid you and dis 'I dunno' business, eh?*
    ^holding, kissing left breast^ 'I dunno'
    ^holding, kissing right breast^ 'where'
    ^holding, kissing left breast^ 'I'm-a'
    ^holding, kissing right breast^ 'gonna'
    ^holding, kissing left breast^ 'get'
    ^holding, kissing right breast^ 'da money'
     
  5. matkat

    matkat Formula 3

    Mar 18, 2003
    1,840
    Scotland
    Full Name:
    Dave McGuire
    Terrorist Alert
    ===============

    Recently we have received credible intelligence that
    there have been seven terrorists working in your office.

    Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
    Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin
    and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody.

    At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh
    cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.

    We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin
    will be very easy to spot.

    You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.
     
  6. wax

    wax Four Time F1 World Champ
    Advising Moderator

    Jul 20, 2003
    44,185
    SFPD
    Full Name:
    Dirty Harry
    A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
    "So, where have you been?"

    'I*hic*'ve been to the pub.'

    "Well, it looks like you've had quiiiite a few."

    'I did all right.'

    "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

    'Oh, thank heavens. For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
     
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