Anyone else have the blahs? Unrealistic expectations?

Not sure if it is that I am bored, spoiled, depressed...or some combination of these things.

As background I have a good-paying if somewhat unchallenging job. I have a great daughter, and a wife that frankly I wish I could divorce tomorrow because she is a selfish witch, but not untrustworthy and at least does 50% of running the household. I have bills of course, but making ends meet isn't that difficult. We have our health, but I'll talk about that later. Basically if you were to settle for "good enough", I'm there. Doing better than most honestly. But settling for "good enough" is not happiness to me.

The basic issue is that regardless of what I do I just feel numb. Nothing I routinely experience excites me, but what is wierd for the first time I can recall, there is nothing really imagined excites me either. That sounds strange so let me explain. All of us have down times, and most have developed ways to get through them. For me it was planning for the future, perhaps taking stock in my skill set and plotting my next career move. Perhaps it was looking at the savings rate of our finances and say "X amount of months and I have Y amount saved up, allowing me to by Z". I think you get the idea. Basicially finding a happy place, although it is not productive in real terms.

The difference is that recently I haven't been able to use this technique to snap out of my apathy. Plan for a new project proposal at work...blah. Check current prices on a new Ducati...blah. Plan my garage remodel...blah. Nothing seems to be working. Perhaps because I know that even if those things happen, I'm still stuck and can't stand to leave my daughter and can't stand to stay with my wife. When I expressed this to her, I was advised to "make the best of it".

I do enjoy spending time with my daughter, although at 5 she can be very demanding and I can only play Checkers or watch Yo Gabba Gabba for so long. If we just go to my office and I work a bit while she plays school with me, my wife will belittle my contribution and say she was just around but I wasn't spending time with her. Never mind wifey is on the ****ing phone or Facebook all night, or watching her favorite shows where she demands total silence from my daughter. But I digress...

Back to the health issue. When I met my wife 12 years ago (25 y.o.), I was in the best shape of my life. We were hugely attracted to each other and frequently expressed that attraction in every private way, if you get my meaning. But a few years, a few pounds (maybe 20 for me), a few let-downs from me onto her so she says, and the attraction is gone. At least her attraction to me is gone. Went two years at one point with no physical contact. She never misses a chance to belittle me with respect to my weight (6'2", 225). The "nom-nom" sound effects as I eat something, or texting her friends about what I had eaten that day.

So back to planning. One thing I am currently undertaking is a fitness program, honestly part of my motivation is to see whether it really is just that I'm now nearly 40 and not in great shape, or if it is as I suspect that the goal posts will be moved about the time my physical appearance is improved, probably in some area I can't really control (You only make $100k, when you make ummm $150k, then we will have lots of sex). Perhaps it is my animosity toward her that is motivating me, never a good reason but if the results come so be it. Basically in 6-12 months if there is no improvement at least I will look a lot better, probably feel better about my appearance, and could find someone else easier.

So back to the first part of this post. I guess I do have a plan, but I don't like the way I think it will end. If I could settle for "good enough", that would mean we have boring sex she treats as a chore maybe three times a year, she will have her live-in butler/shopping assistant in me, and I will perpetually be 24 months of savings away from an old 308 or Elise while she constantly drives a new Mercedes. Good enough in a word, sucks.

Please don't take this as some sort of pity party. I have created some of this, and have worked to rectify the problems I created. There were times where I let her down, although in the big picture I have been a hell of a husband to have cleaned up some of the messes she helped create. For my new project, getting back in shape will be interesting to see her reaction.

There are many people on here with more life experience than me and I assume some have went through the same things. I would be interested in hearing your stories or advice in this situation.

 

Hey bro. You know, i think your going towards the right direction. First things first. Get into a fitness program. Employ a proper fitness instructor to motivate you, and get things going. It's August now. Start asap, and set yourself a target, and come January, you should already achieve your target. I mean, if you plan to lose that 10 lbs, and ripped, make sure by January, you've already achieved that.

Secondly, maybe you can have some nice father-daughter time together. Do some crazy stuff with her, go for travelling, take her, a bunch of your close mates for jungle trekking maybe. Take her for car shows/go karts...I'm not in a position to actually advice you on this lol...i'm single and definitely not a father yet (from what i know )

For some reason, i think after reading through your stuff, maybe you need to chill a bit. I think your making the same mistake as me...which is planning too much for the future. I think we shouldn't look too far into the future. It will get depressing if at some point you just realize that the dream is impossible to achieve, or too far to achieve, or just unrealistic.

 

Seems to me you need to do, what you need to do.. And if the wife does not go along with it.. Dump her..

We only get 1 time around this mary-go-round.. Make it a good 1..

Good Luck.

 

Sounds a little "the grass is greener" to me. The getting in shape thing is motivated by wanting to be more desirable for someone else. You may want to figure out why you have created the current unfulfilling life for yourself so that when you make changes they are changes that will last and give you happiness. Good luck.

 

marriage counseling; and if that doesn't work, divorce. sorry

 

Suggested counseling numerous times over the years.

The real difficulty in all this is my daughter we adopted four years ago as a baby. I have a stepdaughter that my wife and her first husband adopted when she was 5, and divorced when she was 9. I don't know how much is because of the divorce and remarriage, and how much is from early childhood, but the girl (woman, now 22) is an insane sociopath. Go through a checklist and she has done all of them. Today she wants nothing to do with her mom, and honestly that is probably the best scenario for all parties for sanity's sake.

If I knew today without a doubt that my daughter wouldn't end up like such a crazy *****, it would be tempting to leave now. But regardless, it will cause her great emotional pain that I would prefer to avoid, even if it means a harder road for me for the next few years. It is a difficult situation that I'm sure others have faced. The thing is, once a separation or divorce is initiated the emotional damage has also been done to my daughter. In hindsight we probably shouldn't have had any kids, but at the time it seemed things were going OK and looking better. Now that we have her though, my #1 job is to raise her it seems. Hard to do that two weekends a month.

Back to "settling" or having things good enough. I'm interested in opinions regarding that as well, generally speaking.

 

Better to do it now while she is still really young. She won't be able to understand what's really going on and won't have to many memories of you and your wife tearing each other apart if it gets nasty.

My Mom and Dad seperated when I was 3 and I turned out alright... lol.

 

I assume that your wife and you adopted because she cannot bear children. If this is the case then she may have deeper emotional issues personally regarding this that should be addressed by a professional. These issues may be exaggerated now because the first one turned out to be a little ****.

As to coping, you are correct in assuming that your daughter will be the one to suffer if you bail. IMO, no matter how much better you make your life, if your daughter's post-divorce life is hell then you will not be happy. Best to change the things that you control, such as your health, your contribution to your daughter's life, etc., and then try to support your wife in her personal battles.

You've got a long way to go before your daughter is able to tell right from wrong in this situation. Try your best, support your daughter and try to get help for your wife. If, after doing all of this, you and your daughter's lives are not improved then bail. Sometimes people can't be helped, don't want to be helped or are just in the wrong situation. The important point is the one made to your daughter. Nobody wants her turning out like your wife, especially you.

Good luck.

 

man tough situation w/ no easy solutions. Its seems clear that you dont like your wife so use that to your advantage. double your efforts to get into shape, you could easily drop 25-30lb in 3 months. After that get yourself a girlfriend!

Your comment about your wife wanting your daughter to be slient is total BS.
As you can see i'm a bit of a cynic but the problem here is the wife NOT YOU! So F' her.
get in shape, get a divorce, get full custody, and get a girlfriend or 2!! Bet you wont be saying "Blah" anymore. GL

 

A few months after I divorced, I ended up being the single parent of two girls, 7 and 2 YO. Seven years have gone by, and boy, has it been both challenging and rewarding.
It happened this way: One day I finally saw that the boat was sinking with all aboard and I could save at least one passenger-myself. Then I asked for divorce, thinking that both my girls were doomed anyway. In a couple of weeks, my eldest child said she'd rather live with me, and another one was saved. The 2YO came as a pleasant surprise a couple of months later- my ex gave her up voluntarily.

The hard part was keeping things that way, and I made rich several lawyers and shrinks along the way. But it was totally worth it. We are a very happy family now. Full custody for me!

Relating to your situation and IMHO, if you don't trust your wife to raise your daughter well without you around, you should ask yourself if she will do a helluva better job just because you are there. I know my eldest suffered a lot and was traumatized even if I was "there", and I never noticed.

Re. good enough: I don't think you will the way you feel because you are settling for good enough, but quite the opposite: you are accepting a life that is not quite good enough.
I'd go get a better one- you probably deserve it.

 

You must be my long-lost twin, minus the good paying job, lol.

I seriously feel numb and do not get excited about anything. I look forward to doing things, or going on vacation, but I'm never excited. I could win the lottery tomorrow and no one would know because I wouldn't show any sort of excitement.

And like you, I'm not content. I'm an only child, and almost all of my friends are married or engaged. I'm rarely excluded from anything, but seeing their lives moving forward and me standing still is very un-nerving and just adds to the numbness.

I wish I could add something worth-wild to the thread in terms of encouragement. Just know you're not the only numb one out there.

I wish you the best with everything. Working out may be the happiness you're looking for, or at least make you happier. I know I always feel better after a good workout.

 

Work out. And if she is flabby tell her to work out to. Both partners need to work out and keep their looks up, it is only fair. Your life improves in every way when you work out regularly.

Also do something for others. Not just family but others. When I was a kid I had surgery at a childrens hospital. Because of my time there, I know how special life is and I never ever take life for granted or feel that life is bland, etc.. There are kids there that would do any thing to be in your shoes just for another day, or two. Go volunteer at your local childrens hospital. Bring your daughter, and your wife. Sorry to be doom and gloom, and you may have some legit problems with your wife, but your posts just reads me me me. 99% of the time when you do something for others you will never feel better. The only people who do not are the scrooge mc. ducks of the world.

 

It's surprising to hear her so critical of you, unless there is more background to that issue than you described. Typically women are the more understanding and supportive half of a relationship! It's possible you're suffering from some level of depression and it wouldn't hurt to talk to your doctor. No matter what, it's a good idea that you're planning on getting fit. Obvious health benefits, plus it sets a good example to your daughter. Physical attraction is important in a marriage, but if that is all you and your wife ever shared, then it's hard to imagine a future between both of you. Counseling is a must so the two of you can be honest and get out in the open how you feel about one another and find out if there's hope or if you're both wasting your time together. But it sounds from what you've shared that communication hasn't been a cornerstone of your marriage up to now. With a 5 year-old daughter, it's extremely destructive for her to grow up in a household where the parents criticize one another and show no love or affection for each other. So if you don't address these things for yourself, for your wife or for your marriage, then do them for your daughter.

I wish you all the best with this--let us know how you're doing.

 

Have you tried a few different anti-depressants? Ferraris?

This is a joke, right???

 

Get in shape for YOU. The rest, you'll figure out.

Ill 1 - Mr & Mrs Rocky Relationship
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Honestly, this is part of the reason why I'm not sure I ever want to get married. I never want to feel "stuck" or expected to just "make the best of it." I want extraordinary and I want to be able to walk away if I'm completely miserable or blah. I'd never want my husband to complain to his friends or post on a messageboard about his disdain for me or unhappiness in our marriage. Relationships take a lot of work, married or not, and it needs to be a two-way street. I think a lot of people stop trying when they get married.

The way your wife talks to you about your weight is unacceptable. At 6'2" 225, you're not that overweight, if at all. You're tall! I think you'd feel better about yourself if you got into the shape you find acceptable, which may give you a better idea of what you want/need in life.

My advice, never settle. Do whatever you need to do to obtain happiness. Life is too short.

 

I laughed so hard!!!

 

Thanks for additional input.

Stephanie, I feel a bit strange discussing this in a format like this, although relative anonymity is a benefit, one I hope will also encourage others to give their input. The very fact that you are worried about getting to a place as you describe probably means you won't get there. In my case we let other outside forces come between us after a couple years of marriage, once that distance is there it is very difficult to close. Maybe impossible unless both parties recognize and conciously make an effort to re-connect.

To Gilles, the unusual thing is that we do talk all the time. It is just about things other than meaningful conversations about how we both feel. Deep stuff always starts with me pushing the issue. Getting her real feelings out is a challenge, usually she has to be upset (the very act of asking her is upsetting). We have agreed in the past that sometimes the traditional gender roles are reversed in our relationship. She is off playing and doing her thing while I worry about the household. She has told me she is fine with the way it is and this is why she refuses counseling.

As far as getting back in shape goes, let me be clear that this is for me but will hopefully have benefits for us. I have neglected myself for some time.

 

I think you two need to have a serious sit down and talk about everything that you both are having issues with, and figure out what to do with them. Divorice is for people who dont want to be with each other, and only that.

 

Sounds like you've got to do things to make her life less comfortable so that she'll find the desire for change. What bargaining chips do you have to work with?

 

No--you know what I mean. Typically, a woman is more likely to be the type to see through the superficial and love a man for what's inside. Think about it--what question do married men fear most?

"Honey, does this _______ make me look fat?"

followed by a close second

"Will you still love me when I'm old and wrinkled and fat and my boobs hang down to my shins...?" (as she goes into just enough detail to make you consider jumping out the window)

 

Google "male depression." Sounds like you're hitting a rough patch. I wish I had more insight.

Make sure it's not this though :http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2010/07/why_parents_hate_parenting.html

 

Basically your relationship stopped growing a while ago hence the complacency on both your parts.

Your relationship with each other is flatlined. Either grow it or end it.

Your description of her attitude towards you tells me that she is done with you and is hanging around out of convenience. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't have a boy friend (or girl friend) on the side.

Unfortunately, it is cheaper to stay married and separate than it is to get a divorce unless it is mutual or a no-fault.

What ever you do to make improvements to and for yourself, do it for YOU.
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As far as having the blahs and not finding enjoyment in the things you usually get enjoyment out of, it's called depression. Classic example.
I have it too and it's from working too much and not balancing that work with enjoyable pursuits. Being in a rut with with no perceived improvements on the horizon only makes it worse.

50% of the solution is knowledge of the problem, the rest is up to you, to take actions that are best for YOU.
Improving yourself (for you) isn't selfish if the end result benefits those around you that really appreciate it, like your daughter.

 

Any updates that you wish to share? Hope all is well.

 

Dump her and then get in the best physical shape anyone can imagine. Spend a few $$ to update the wardrobe and your look. Get a tan. You'll feel great...trust me on this. Then what the hell will she say? Good payback for making you feel like sssshhhh

I am going through the same kind of stuff except Ms Remix is great. Everything else is just "blah".

RMX