Aussie joke thread

When you have a big accident as yours was John, a lot of luck is required. Yes maybe airbags would have helped but still the major factor would be luck ... and you and your passengers were thankfully lucky.

I was T-boned and pushed into a power pole by a speeding drunk when 16 years old; the car (Hillman Imp) was totally stuffed but my passengers and I are still here. My sister was T-boned due to a trailer issue, and she wasn't lucky, unfortunately.
Pete

 

L O L !!!
I'm still laughing

 

Here's the thing, my wife and 8yo son walked out without a scratch, airbags may have done them damage but I could have only come out better than I did.

IF I am ever in an accident as BIG as the one in the GT4 I hope to hell I have airbags, a broken nose is better than a broken body ............. and luck is EVERYTHING !!

I've seen an accident where a bike rider had a wobble and hit the back of a flat top truck at no more than 5 kph and was dead 5 minutes later, while I saw another rider get T-boned by an old lady when she drove straight through an intersection at normal road speed (60 kph) and he lived to tell the tale.

The guy that died was VERY fit and obviously worked out a LOT, wore all the right leather safety gear and boots , the guy that lived got a few broken bones but was fine even though he was wearing normal clothes and sandshoes

 

That was fantastic

 

I wasn't for many months ......... but I can see the funny side

Day 3 after coming out of the coma the neurologist said to me "well, we don't see any brain damage" , to which I replied "no more than I came in with ????????????"

He laughed and said, brain damaged people don't make jokes like that

The doctors also said I'd never use a keyboard again .... or work in the IT industry ....... and people like Ferraridoc wonder why I think his profession is so dopey

 

When do we get to the male nurse story?

 

I meant no disrespect my friend. But PP's one liner was a cracker! And yes, I know you were VERY lucky to come out of it.

 

I don't recall ........ must have leaked out of my head

 

I never take a fence when a gate is lighter

 

What would Wes do?

 

He was, but were we?

 

Time wounds all heels

 

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl
behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour
and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her
to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!”

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the
shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429.

 

lol

 

No, not Dopey - Doc! And I'm not Grumpy, either.

 

Hilarious

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/entertainment/confidential/jerry-seinfeld-visits-fitzroy-north-street-art-tribute/news-story/5fdc10845e7d65a66431d7bb5bf7abaa

 

Hollywood are making an action movie about the great classical composers.
Bruce Willis says he wants to play Beethoven.
Sylvester Stallone says he want to play Mozart

And Arnold Schwarzenegger says "in that case I'll be Bach "

 

The SJW Mechanical Handbook

Table of contents:

1. The cis-gendered 4 stroke cycle.

2. A Halal approach to changing your brake pads.

3. Tuning your tranny.

4. Recognising homophobia in your air conditioning.

5. Differentials, a searing tale of diversity.

Greetings fellow nonbinaries. Have you ever found yourself in the ludicrous situation whereby you have planned for weeks to get along to the next Trannies Against Climate Change rally and your car won’t start? You even call your non-gendered mode of cis transportation a nonspecific fascist bastard that supports the patriarchy, and it still has the temerity to remain pre-operative? To make matters worse, the tree stump you have been dating for quite some time now, remains rooted to the spot and has absolutely no mechanical knowledge. Well, fear no more as this marvellous mechanical manual will have you up and running in no time; with all due respect to the non-abled who have non-functionary impairments.

1. The cis gendered 4-stroke cycle.

There are 4 strokes to the 4-stroke engine cycle. I am sure that in time, progressive capability will find the 5th stroke, just like the 872 genders we now recognise. Just imagine the diversity of strokes just waiting to be discovered, adding to our cultural enrichment in ways that we cannot even conceive of yet. But for now, there are four. Very limiting but that’s the way it is. Damn patriarchy…

Now, all strokes are equal. There is no stroke that does more or less than the other, thus proving that equality is a sound mechanical concept. But it is the diverse number of strokes that give an engine its strength. The strokes are as follows:

Intake: The patriarchal piston plunges down the cylindrical lubricated tunnel, raping the atmosphere and drawing into the engine a charge of fresh clean air.

Compression: After plumbing the depths of the tight-fitting cylinder, the patriarchal phallus thrusts its way back up to the top of the bore, compressing the charge of fresh air, thus forcing it to diminish itself into a smaller but not so safe space.

Power: This is where things get ugly. The phallic thrust of the patriarchy is timed to coincide with an injection of capitalist sourced fossil fuel. And then the unthinkable happens. A high voltage spark ignites the mixture of air and fuel, forcing the fascist anti-feminist back down the deep dark tunnel from whence it came.

Exhaust: Catastrophic Climate Change!!! The fresh clean air that small marsupials and Antifa need to function is ejected as unbreathable hate speech that reeks of homophobia.

Hopefully you have now all the feelings you need to get your emotional automobile up and running in no time at all.

2. A Halal approach to changing your brake pads.

Have you ever wondered what pork and brake pads have to do with Islamophobia…?

To be continued…possibly…but we think you get the picture.

 

Sh#t Ian,did you forget to take your OCD(CDO) meds this morning?

 

lol

Tim Minchin's searing song about the same-sex marriage vote goes viral | SBS Sexuality

 

http://honey.nine.com.au/2017/08/11/13/34/husband-laughs-at-wife-who-cant-spell-eyes

 

She probably didn't go to as many schools as you did.

 

Whom did

 

Really; he's that dumb?

 

You had doubts?