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Aussie joke thread

Discussion in 'Australia' started by stephens, Oct 17, 2005.

  1. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    No, it's just plain nagging
     
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  2. Aircon

    Aircon Seven Time F1 World Champ

    Jun 23, 2003
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    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
    The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
    The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
    'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
    _____________________________ _____________

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
    'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
     
  3. FazzerPorscheman

    FazzerPorscheman F1 Veteran
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  4. Horse

    Horse Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Whom are you again?
     
  5. FazzerPorscheman

    FazzerPorscheman F1 Veteran
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  6. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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  7. Horse

    Horse Two Time F1 World Champ
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  8. Ferraridoc

    Ferraridoc F1 Rookie
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  9. Gizzi

    Gizzi Formula 3
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    Carl never been happier since they deleted the 1 & 2c pieces. He doesn’t have to give change any more.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  10. Gizzi

    Gizzi Formula 3
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  11. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    Got sent these today , 2, 5, 6, 9 and 11 are my favourites :

    1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

    2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

    3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

    4. A teenage boy asks his granny: "Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD?" Granny replies: " The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?"

    5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies:


    "Your sense of humour!" (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)

    6. A chap's wife's is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part. (His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30.)

    7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

    8. I woke up this morning at 9:00 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30.

    9. My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!"

    10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

    11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month.)
     
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  12. simon klein

    simon klein F1 World Champ
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    S%^t I hope you're not here all week.
     
  13. Horse

    Horse Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Someone else we have to give the wrong GG dates to? ;););)
     
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  14. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    Try the veal
     
  15. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    November's not good for me
     
  16. Aircon

    Aircon Seven Time F1 World Champ

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    What a shame....I'll be there.
     
  17. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    Now I'm definitely not going
     
  18. Aircon

    Aircon Seven Time F1 World Champ

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    oh of course you will. See you in December.
     
  19. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    You playing Santa again ?
     
  20. FazzerPorscheman

    FazzerPorscheman F1 Veteran
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    Why not? He only comes once a year.
     
  21. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    Gidday mate, having a good holiday ?

    Post up some pics
     
  22. kerrari

    kerrari F1 World Champ
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    I liked number 3!
     
  23. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    Number 9 is by far the funniest
     
  24. jmillard308

    jmillard308 F1 Veteran
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    The Pope and the Rabbi

    Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all of the Jews in Italy had to convert to Catholicism or leave the country. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community; so, the Pope offered a deal: He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; but, if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

    The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

    On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other:

    The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

    The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

    Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

    The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

    The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

    With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever ... the Jews could stay in Italy .

    Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

    The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God, common to both of our faiths.

    Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show me that God was also right here with us.

    I pulled out the wine and host to show that, through the perfect sacrifice, Jesus has atoned for our sins; but, the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the Original Sin.

    He beat me at every move, and I could not continue."

    Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

    "I haven't a clue," said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy ; so, I gave him the finger.

    Then, he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

    "And, then what?" asked a woman.

    "Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch; so, I took out mine"
     
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  25. moretti

    moretti Four Time F1 World Champ
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    I don't get it :confused:
     

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