A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch … Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Roddy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Roddy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Bali. Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Syd, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne. They live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Bones. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Bones can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Syd are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
My wife accused me of being nosey! Can you believe it? And she didn't even tell me to my face, she wrote it in her diary!
I can't read my wife's handwriting in her diary I don't know whether her boyfriend has big boots and dock or big boats and dick !!!
Teacher: Class make a sentence out of the word "contagious" Little Mary: I had a cold last week and didn't come to school because Mummy said I was contagious. Little Peter: My friend had chicken pox, and I wasn't allowed to go to his house because he was contagious. Little Johnny: On the way to school today, we saw a truck spill a load of oranges on the road, and my Dad said it was going to take that contagious to pick them all up.
And unfortunately the place that used to do THE best of those in town has pulled it from the menu......remember you had one there.
A handsome woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, then asks, "What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute." The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that." "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer." The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year." "Poultry Farmer it is."
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!
Two OZ men died and went to heaven. God greeted them upon their arrival and said, “I’m sorry gentlemen but your mansions aren’t ready yet, Until they are, I can send you back to earth as whatever you want be.” The first man said, “God, I want to be an eagle soaring above the scenery.” “No problem”, said God and then POOF, he was gone! Turning to the other man, he asked, “What do you want to be?” With a huge grin on his face he said “I’d like to be a cool stud!” “No problem,”said God and the man was gone. A few months later, when their mansions were ready God sent an angel to fetch them. “They’ll be easy to find,” said God. “One will be soaring on the sunny side above the Great Dividing Range and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere near Mt. Buller !”
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red Ferrari and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
Mid afternoon brightener upperer. https://lorenberg.blog/2018/08/02/day-brightener-lets-never-get-rid-of-newspapers-another-example-that-proof-reading-may-be-dead/
Found on eBay, supposedly This is bound to be offensive to someone I was going to say P!ss someone off but that not PC Image Unavailable, Please Login
Hehe. Thing is though that's the wrong sort of timber for didges.Eucalyptus not pine. As it happens,last week I rented one of my trucks to a didge maker,he took about 300 pieces from Chillagoe (where the wood came from) to Mackay.
