Hopefully, this can be a sticky for funny stories. I'll start: Here is a story that actually happened while I was a flight surgeon at Tyndall AFB in the late 80s. A Lt. Col. Sqn. commander, Eagle 1, was leading a 4 ship of F-15s cross country up near 50,000 feet, where very few planes can go. Military planes talk to FAA Controllers on UHF, while Civilian Airliners talk on VHF - so the military guys were listening to one half of a conversation between an FAA Center and a Delta Airliner far below them in weather, trying to find smooth air for his passengers. Airliners can not go much above 38,000 to 40,000 feet, but remember most of these guys are also former military and don't take crap. Here is a reproduction of an actual conversation of the Sqn Commander trying to poke fun at the Airliner, and his comeuppance: Eagle 1: Houston Center, Eagle 1 Houston: Eagle 1, Houston Eagle 1: Houston, please relay to Delta 41 Heavy from Eagle 1 that the Air is just fine up here at Flight Level 50 Houston: (Snickering laughter in the background from the controllers) Roger Eagle 1, will relay Over the UHF frequency, the F-15 guys could hear the FAA relaying the playful jab at the Airliner far below, then silence as they could not hear the VHF reply of Delta 41 Heavy Houston: Eagle 1, Houston Eagle 1: Houston, Eagle 1 Houston: Eagle 1, Delta 41 Heavy appreciates the advice, but (again contained snickering on the part of the Controller) would like to know what the paycheck is like up there" Silence.
No stories but a couple of funny movies. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqaWdkdFb3Y http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJSey8HRUhU
I recall the account of an in-bound BOAC Comet over Goose Bay at 38000 calling an out-bound Pan Am 707 at 25000 asking the Pan Am pilot ," Pan Am, what are you doing WAY down there at 25000 feet?" The answer, " Mach .82. What are you doing". There was no answer. Switches
One of my flight instructors was a very skilled aerobatic pilot and a bit of a hot rock... At his 10 year high school reunion he took out the Citabria and put on a low level display over the party site, we're talking snap rolls at 200 ft.... Well, a pilot who lived nearby was watching and called up the FBO... The conversation went something like "hey Gary, who's got the Citrabria out, he's puttin on a real great treetop level show!".. Gary goes out to the flight line and get's on the radio... "Rick, drop down on the deck and go to Metcalf and land now and call me on the landline! The Michigan State Patrol is here looking for whoever is flying the Citabria"...... About 15 minutes later Rick calls in on the landline and is truly terrified. He wanted to land an airline job and was making ends meet pushing students around the patch and a bust like this would rightfully destroy any chance of that... He asks Gary "where do I go and what do I do? Gary's answer is simple "low, slow and far away".... "go up to Monroe and call me from there". About 20 minutes later the phone rings again and Gary tells Rick "the cops are still here, go to Adrian".. Gary runs Rick on a guided tour of every small patch in the area, tells Rick to come in just after dark and put the airplane on the end of the line.... About two weeks later I'm at the FBO and Gary is behind the counter and Rick is there and Gary starts laughing, referring to Rick as good old "low slow and far away"... Rick suddenly realizes that he was had. He looks at Gary and says "no cops???" Gary says "no cops".. Rick looks for a second and is about to get mad... He says, "man I have been terrified for the last two weeks that I was gonna get caught" Then he sticks out his hand and says' "thanks man..."
1. An F-18 and an F-117 Stealth Fighter were departing a California airshow. Tower relayed to the F-117, "You have an F-18 at 15 miles at your 360." The F-117 pilot replies, "Radar contact." A few minutes later, Tower relays to the F-18, "You have an F-117 at 14 miles at your 180." The Hornet pilot replies, "Contact". The F-117 pilot chimes in, "Bulls**t". 2. An SR-71had completed a cross country run and radioed Tower for clearance, "Sled 01 requests flight level 500". Tower replies laughing, "How are you going to get way up there?" Sled 01 replies, "We were actually requesting a descent."
this one I actually heard first hand This takes place in grand forks ND the hom of the UND flight school, our aircraft call signs are sioux followed the tailnumber. Student pilot:"Sioux 44 inbound from the north full stop" GFK tower: "Sioux 44 squak 0144 and verify you have whiskey" student pilot: "No theres no alchohol onboard UND aircraft" I just about died laughing!
Subject: Centennial Flyers Inter-office Memo! Dear CoWorker: The Flight Department is in trouble. Its business model doesn't work with the current price of fuel and the existing level of capacity in the marketplace. We need to make changes in response. While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases haven't been sufficient to cover the rising cost of fuel. As fares increase, fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce our capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our capacity, we will need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will be painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully navigate these difficult times. Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior pilots by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. Under this plan, senior pilots will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent our future. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Pilots). Pilots who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED Pilots can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All pilots who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is ca lled SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, a pilot may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an pilot follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any pilot who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger pilots who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training pilots through our: Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of**** our pilots receive. We have given our pilots more **** than any company in this area. If any pilot feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your Chief Pilot. Your Chief Pilot is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can handle. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Tool Definitions more appropriate to their use. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted fender which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh ****!" ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are attempting to hit. MECHANICS KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling DAMMIT at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
PICKUP LINE Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.' Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, 'No kidding. I'm a pilot too. What airline are you with?'
Some nice aviation humor books are for sale here. Written by an former Netherlands Air Force pilot now flying for KLM. http://www.aviation-humor.com Michiel Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
I'm old enough to have been reading Playboy when this first came out in 1971, but in case you never saw it, it is posted here.... http://discaircraft.greyfalcon.us/Major%20Howdy%20Bixby.htm The art work was done by Bruce McCall, and the words were done by Brock Yates. Totally politically incorrect in the present time and poking fun at various ethnic aviation cultures (as well as lampooning the USA), it is an absolute must see for any aviation enthusist....
Well,,,,, if you remember it from the first time around you most certainly are!!! It was in the January 1971 issue.... I came across it last night when I was looking for the piece that Mccall and Yates did that was similar to this but was on an automotive theme... That's in the December 1971 issue but I haven't found that piece on the internet.
It looks different on a screen than it did by flashlight. I've been a fan of McCall for years. He did some great stuff for the old National Lampoon. Respect your elders, we invented sex after all
In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination. I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this... Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.' Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.' Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!' Aircraft: 'This is a United States FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up!' Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Here I go again going back into ancient history but the incident on the day of the first flight of the 747 always brings me a chuckle. A student pilot in a Cessna 150 managed to blunder into the restricted airspace around Paine Field ten minutes before the take off. A bunch of us had climbed up the crowned roof to the top of the main hanger on the non corporate side of things to witness the big event. We had a radio tuned into the field frequency and one tuned into flight test. The intruding pilot was challenged by the tower and given a curt long and intense spiel of questions and orders. After a long pause the student answered with a meek, " HUH?" " Uhm, I guess I'm lost. I'm on my solo cross-country and I'm not sure where I am." Here he was, north of Everett, Washington with Seattle just ahead, Puget Sound to his right, Cascade Mountains to his left. Tower: " Do you see any water?" Student, " Huh, I see a swimming pool but I don't think there's any water in it." Tower, " Turn 270 degrees and maintain until you are clear of area," ' Student, " Would that be left or right?" By this time we were laughing so hard we were almost sliding off the roof. Somehow the pilot was guided out of the restricted zone and the 747 made its take off and we listened to the flite test chatter. It was almost uneventful, the right hand inboard flap jumped off its tracks and had a little jam but it was a great day.
True Story: 26 years ago at Frankfurt airport a Lufthansa 747 was sitting number one position for takeoff and was cleared into position. Reply from the cockpit to the tower was that they had to delay because they had a problem: the count of passengers turned up two missing. Unidentified voice from another airline: "Did you check the ovens"?
One the way out to her car in the employee parking lot a flight attendant was hit on the head from behind, beaten and raped. When being interviewed by the police she stated in no uncertain terms that the assailant was a pilot. Surprised, the cop asked "How can you be so sure - I thought you never got a good look at him even? She said that she knew he was a pilot because his breath smelled of peanuts, he stole her newspaper, and when he was done he covered her with a napkin.... (For all you crewmembers out there....)
Some good ones in here, hope its not a repost.......................... British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal. Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?' ----------------------- ATC: 'Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway.' Ali 345: 'Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working' ----------------------- ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15.' Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06.' -------------------------- ACA1147: 'Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167 above us?' CZQM: 'As soon as I get a chance, I will.' (some time passes with continuous radio chatter) ACA1147: 'Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?' CZQM: 'Standby for that, please' (more radio chatter) ACA1147: 'Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?' CZQM: 'Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to company frequency and pass winds.' ----------------------- Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself.' ----------------------- NY Ctr: 'Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles.' FedEx 235: 'Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five.' NY Ctr: 'Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah...' Delta 520: 'Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty.' NY Ctr: 'Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please.' Alitalia 16: 'HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!' NY Ctr: 'Oh, no! I make-a! funna Delta anna FedEx!' -------------------------- Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: Yes. Tower: Yes what?? Pilot: Yes, SIR --------------------------- Contol: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.' Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.' Cont: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.' Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots' Cont: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots' Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?' Cont: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.' -------------------------- ATC: 'Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? ' Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.' ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.' -------------------------- Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman. Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship. Controller: oh, oh ****! You have traffic! --------------------- O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots. USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed? O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can. USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control. ---------------------- ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019. Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches? ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019 ------------------------ Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred' Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center' -------------------------- Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747. ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry. ------------------------- Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big E.' Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big W immediately ..' -------------------- Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.' Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.' Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.' Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?' Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.' ----------------------------- Tower: '...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.' Speedbird: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right' ------------------------------- A deer is on the runway... so... Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off. Student: 'What should I do? What should I do?' Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think) Std: 'Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.' Inst: 'That's a good idea.' (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN. Std: 'What should I do? What should I do?' Inst: 'What do you think you should do?' (think-think-think) Std: 'Maybe I should tell the tower.' Inst: 'That's a good idea.' Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway (long pause) Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off. ----------------------- Controller: 'USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause) Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause) Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!' Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!' -------------------- Pilot: 'Approach, Federated 303 with you at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop. Approach: 'Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service.' Pilot: 'We'll take the VOR then.' Approach: 'Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby.' Pilot: 'OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then.' Approach: '303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation.' Pilot: 'OK, approach. State my intentions.' ----------------------- BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.' Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.' BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!' Bay: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.' ------------------------------ Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport ------------------------------------ Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?' Pilot: 'A340 of course!' Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?' -------------------------- Tower (in Stuttgart): 'Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.' Pilot: 'This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible.' Tower: 'We too. Reduce to 173 knots.' --------------------------- Tower: 'Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.' Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...' --------------------------------- Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit' --------------------------------- M?nchen II Tower: 'LH 8610 cleared for take-off.' Pilot (LH 8610): 'But we are not even landed.' Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? ' Pilot (LH 8801): 'LH 8801.' Tower: 'OK, then you are cleared for take-off.' -------------------------------- Tower: 'Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!' Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' (pilot continues approach) Tower: 'Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!'! Pilot Trainee: 'Roger' The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway. ------------------------ Tower: 'Mission 123, do you have problems?' Pilot: 'I think, I have lost my compass.' Tower: 'Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!' ----------------------- Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?' Pilot: 'More or less.' Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.' ---------------------------- Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.' Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.' Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?' Tower: 'Affirmative.' Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
Heres one I heard personally and couldnt stop laughing. While flying in Grand Forks, ND home of UND and we now have contract students who are being trained by us for Air China. Well one day while on Grand forks Aproach flying back to the airport the Atis code was "W" and I heard another UND airplane call up with a thick chinese accent The rest that follows is verbatim Sioux 45: "Grand forks aproach Sioux 45 inbound from the northeast full stop" GFK aproach: "Sioux 45 Squawk 0145 and verify you have wiskey" Sioux 45: "No, no alcohol on board UND aircraft" I couldnt stop laughing This one I actually met one of my career goals of making ATC laugh. While flying back into GFK we were following another aircraft and heres is what followed GFK aproach: "Sioux 38 squawk VFR and contact tower 118.4 traffic twelve oclock 3 miles" Sioux 38 (me):"Sioux 38 squawking VFR going to tower have traffic in sight: Now While I was changing freq's i realized what i thought was traffic was in fact a massive hawk Sioux 38 (me): "Grand forks tower sioux 38 is at truck stop (VFR reporting point) thought we had traffic turned out to be a bird" Grand forks tower: In fits of laughter"Roger sioux 38...long pause Sioux 29 contact departure....long pause with laughter... sioux 38 traffic now 2 oclock 4 miles report traffic in sight" I know the second one isnt as funny but it is absolutely halarious for me.
