Man, I could read this stuff all day. Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party Date: 2008-08-26, 3:22PM CDT We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a **** load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn't even need to socialize with anyone, just drink. the birthday is on Friday, Sept. 5th in Bucktown. Oh, did I mention that the clown needs to get ****faced. Don't worry, we will purchase all the drinks. * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests * Compensation: We will pay per hour and cover all the drinks to the perv who groped me on my way home - w4m Date: 2008-07-29, 12:04AM EDT Me: caucasian, white yoga capris and tan tank top you: Latino, 5'8, in your twenties, sports jersey, short hair, mole on your face. You might have been following me for a while, Mr. Perv, I don't know - I was on the phone with my mother, venting about my roommate situation (we had to find a new one) and my job search (like, I need a job), when you snuck up behind me, and gently squeezed my ass. Not just the top of my ass, but kinda low, kinda close to my you-know-what, if you know what I mean. You know, even my boyfriend needs permission to get that close, so having a perfect stranger attempt access so suddenly, so completely out of the blue, triggered my fight-or-flight response. And I *fight*. Did it hurt when I grabbed your collar and punched you in the head? I'm a little worried that I didn't get enough momentum in my swing to make you feel it, seeing as I'm kinda short (5'2"). But you must have felt bad when you took off running and I chased you down so easily - it's not that you're slow, dude, it's just that I run fast, as you might have suspected from the well-muscled form of my posterior, had you been viewing it with its athletic potential in mind. It was all worth it when you realized you couldn't outrun me and so you stopped with your back to me in shame, and I kicked you in your hole. You might not remember, but I said: "Are you sorry? Are you sorry? Say you're sorry!", and you did. That was great. Then I said: "run on home, you *******! Run home!" and you did that, too! Ladies, these pervs are cowards who run in fear when confronted with any kind of resistance. They are weak and pathetic. To the two guys who came out of their houses when they heard me yelling - thank you for being so aware and willing to help out-especially - Chris, was it? - who walked me home. It's great to know the people here care about the safety of others. Thanks so much. My mom was really worried, because she heard me start swearing and then the phone went dead (I closed it so I could chase the motherf*cker down) and she thought I had been hit by a car. When I told her what happened, she told me not to be so agro, and pointed out that he could of had a knife or something. True. You're right, mom. But you're unlucky if you're from this neighborhood, Mr. Perv. Cause I'm here ALL THE TIME (no job, remember?) and next time I'll MACE YOUR FACE. * Location: Mt. Pleasant * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests ass cleaning tips Date: 2008-07-15, 11:51AM EDT Ass cleaning tips I have mastered the art of cleaning my stool hall and I want to share it with you losers who simply lather your wash cloth with some soap and do a quick reach around..THAT WILL NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS!!!! You need to spend at least 5 minutes in that area to have maximun cleanage. How would you feel if you were a girl/guy and while you were licking some guys sausage you get a nice whiff of some anal grease and dingleberries from a soft textured turd that required about 12 wipes in the public restroom? You think it's clean but it is NOT!!! Here are some tips: Tip 1: After dropping the fecal children off at the pool, you can either use some babywipes (my personal favorite) or you can use a technique I learned from an ex-girlfriend of mine, you wet the toilet paper and proceed to wipe front-to-back, NOT back-to-front. You risk sliding some of the grease beneath your ball sack which creates another problem. This only applies to those who do not get what is called a perfect excrement session aka.."A Clean Break" to where the ca-ca breaks off completely and all you have to do is wipe the water off your gluteus after the initial plop. Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingleberries and in rare occasions, creation of **** dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free "airflow" and those who dont shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement. Tip 3: Jump into a public pool or spa. This is just as effective as a shower or even better because you get maximum "soakage" and it requires less work such and combats lazy reach arounds in the shower. Believe it or not, that is the only useful purpose for public pools, I think of them as gigantic bathtubs that goggle up loose ass hairs, dingleberries and makes a great place to take a quick pee. If I find myself in that situation, I just jump in the pool on one end, pee then swim to the other end, do a couple quick 360's under water then jump out the shallow side and dry off. Tip 4: Go to the beach and be a good samaritan, jump into the ocean and "feed the fish", fish LOVE dung, I have 2 goldfish and they are always sucking eachothers doo-doo holes. Get a nice, salty ass treatment. For those of you who gets bumps after shaving your pubes or ass, this is a great to dry those up. Just simply go out past the waves a bit, however, dont be too obvious if you are going to release some bait into the ocean. Flop around a bit, move around because if you sit still people will become suspicious and besides the poop might float up to the surface quickly. Fish will love you for it! Tip 5: Woman love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the "assicure" It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it's self explanitory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butthole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some bodywash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your ******* and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1. ADDITIONAL NOTE: Putting your finger in your ass doesnt make you gay, it might burn a bit. For those guys who insist on having anal sex with their girlfriends all the time, if you think one finger hurts, go ahead and use two fingers and see how it feels. It feels like a massive **** you take in the morning after a night of drinking and eating the 4 slices of jalepeno pepper pizza. That is all for now party people, hope this hass been insightful. I would love some feedback from possible success stories. Please read some of them now. " I would like to thank you for your ass cleaning tips, it has changed my life. My g/f is giving me head all day and night" "Wow, my ass has never been cleaner. I feel more confident and got my dream job" "I love to feed the fish, thanks Rick...my ass used to be filled with pimples and anal grease but now my ass is as smooth as a babies bottom, I feel like a kid again, thanks" " I used to mask my ass smell with cologne and other junk, I have tried so many other techniques but yours is by far the best. I am now engaged to a playboy model" Siskel & Roeper give it "Two middle fingers up" P.S. I AM OFFERING FREE SERVICE TO LADIES WHO WANT TO GIVE ME HEAD JUST TO SEE HOW A PROFESSIONAL COLON CLEANSING SHOULD BE LIKE * Location: anal * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w Date: 2008-07-02, 2:35PM EDT Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then. You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus. I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed. Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well. When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, "MORE", "HARDER", "YES", "**** ME", but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts. When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like "OH GOD", "YES", OR "IT HURTS" no other conversation is allowed. When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like "Thanks", "It was great", "I loved it", "Don't stop" If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave. I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together. * Location: Orlando * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests josh from the frat house on 15th - w4m Date: 2008-06-19, 11:24AM EDT I'm pregnant. * Location: campus * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests Decapitated dolls Date: 2008-06-04, 10:54AM EDT My daughter likes to pull the heads off of dolls. The therapist says we should let her, so we do. We have lots of headless dolls. Some of their heads my be retreivable; most probably not. Free to a good home. * Location: Close-in Mont Co * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests Sexiest trashman ever! - w4m Date: 2008-05-21, 4:19PM MDT I know you probably get this a lot, but you are the hottest garbage man I have ever seen. Every Tuesday, I wait at my window desperately at 8:00 AM waiting for you. I love your strong muscles; not matter how heavy my waste is, you have no problem lifting it. Sometimes I hide bricks in there just so I can see your sweaty big muscles in real action. You may know my house specifically because I always leave my old lingerie lying on top of all my other trash. I put it out there for you, you know. I want you to have them. Don't worry, I spray a little perfume on them before I toss them so they don't smell anymore. Anyway, if you like what you see in my trash, come inside sometime, there will be plenty more of where that came from. Wink Love, Your Secret Admirer P.S. I'm single with no kids. All the diapers are from my grandmother who lives with me. * Location: My trash can * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests To the cute microbiologist who's gonna examine my stool - w4m Date: 2008-05-16, 1:39AM EDT Hi. Well if you're reading this, you already know it's you. I walked into the lab today because of chronic diarrhea, and they called you specifically to take care of my case. You were so cute when you said I had abnormally huge taste buds. When you said you had to have another look at the back of my throat, it was obvious you just wanted to see their freaky fatness once more, and I called you on it. You then turned completely red, and I don't know if it was because of my grossly exaggerated yet founded accusations or because I wasn't wearing a bra and you left me waiting for like 45 minutes in an industrial AC powered office. You're gonna be growing five different cultures from my stool in the next week and I have no idea, despite all my funk and resourcefulness, how to make the idea of giving me a call after work seem inspiring. Between all these questions you're asking me, all of which are related to my loose bowel movements, and the fact that you could lose your license if you got together with a patient, there is just no way I can slip you my number. I don't really know what to do. I think I'm gonna try to run into you at the end of your internship at this hospital. I hear if it's not in an office, there is no law to prevent me hitting on you, and you taking it up. If you're not gay that is - cause you sort of give off that kind of vibe too. But if you're not, where is my highest chance of running into you completely by chance, one morning when I'm not your patient and you're not my hot, out-of-bounds microbiologist? * Location: Laval * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests To the stupid *****es at Walmart that assumed I stole their phone Date: 2008-04-13, 2:47PM EDT You know who you are. You and your skanky friend entered the ladies room at Walmart, apparently looking for a cellphone you lost because you're a moron. I washed my hands, and upon exiting the restroom I said, "Excuse me," since you clearly had no intention of moving your fat ass out of the doorway. I proceeded to look at some shirts in the womens' department, when suddenly you two white trash tramps came RIGHT over and stood oh, maybe, 3 feet away from me, glaring. The porkier one of you two (the one with the mustache) then took out your cellphone and obviously dialed the lost one's number in hopes that suddenly my bag would ring your familiar ringtone- probably Shakira or Lil Kim. I couldn't believe you had the audacity to be such stupid hos. Not only did you make no attempt to be discreet, but you were blatantly rude and insulting. Why the **** would I want your cellphone? I'm all set with 19yr old punks calling me for blowjobs. I also don't have any interest in receiving phone calls from probation officers or Planned Parenthood. If I did find a cheap-ass phone probably in a pink case, covered in stickers- there's a damn good chance I'd return it to the "Lost And Found," assuming I'd even give a **** enough to do that. I'm sure that's a far-fetched concept to you, considering if it were the other way around, you'd probably pawn a lost phone as fast as you'd jerk off a homeless guy that offered you a cigarette. Next time you immediately jump to conclusions because of your own stupidity, go back and check the aisle with ******l cream and ******s first; you probably left your phone there. You must have found it shortly after, because you were no longer up my ass, skanking up my personal space. Either that, or the dollar store was having one hell of a sale that you couldn't pass up. Screw you both. * Location: Newport, RI * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w Date: 2008-08-14, 8:58AM CDT I shouted "**** the police"...you made the black panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let's chat after you make bail. * Location: Dallas * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests ALL UTIL. INCLUDED!!! THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! Date: 2008-07-11, 2:53AM EDT GORGEOUS 10 x 14 BEDROOM, DRENCHED WITH LOTS OF AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT, GENEROUS CLOSET SPACE, CLEAN BATHROOM, NICE COMMON SPACE AND STORAGE. W/D IN BASEMENT (COIN-OP ALTHOUGH LANDLORD IS IN PROCESS OF MAKING IT FREE!) AND ELEC/COOKING GAS/HI-SPEED INTERNET/TRASH PICK-UP INCLUDED IN RENT. STREET PARKING. CLOSE TO HOSPITALS AND SOME SHOPPING. LIVE WITH TWO QUIET ROOMMATES BOTH STUDENTS (ONE INTERNATIONAL) NO DRINKING/DRUGS, CALM LIVING ENVIRONMENT FOR RIGHT INDIVIDUAL WITH REGULAR HOURS. THERE IS ONE SMALL CATCH THAT HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM AT ALL WITH PREVIOUS TENANTS. BEDROOM MUST BE SHARED WITH APPROX. 700 LB. ADULT MALE SILVERBACK GORILLA. THIS IS AN EASTERN LOWLAND GORILLA WHO IS FAIRLY DOCILE ALTHOUGH HE DOES NEED TO "STRETCH HIS LEGS" FROM TIME TO TIME. HE FEEDS ON FRUITS AND LEAVES AND HAS SOMEWHAT OF AN INTENSE SEXUAL APPETITE. BIG KITCHEN WITH BREAKFAST AREA. BEDROOM WINDOWS FACE REAR COURTYARD NO TRAFFIC NOISE! SOMEWHAT LOW CEILINGS BUT GUT RENOVATED WITH HARDWOOD FLOORS AND ORIGINAL MOLDINGS. NOT RAILROAD! SEPARATE ROOMS WITH TWO ENTRANCES. SECOND FLOOR WALK-UP. YEAR LEASE REQUIRED. FIRST AND LAST PLUS SECURITY. TOTAL OF $1155 MOVE-IN COST. THIS WILL NOT LAST. NO BROKERS PLEASE. * Location: BUSHWICK * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
