An Nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do You Men Know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other... Very Confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the Steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The Worker yelled back, "'Cause His Wife's Here With His Lunch."
Ok, how about this one ? FIRST TIME SEX **** .............. A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it 's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, a 6-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you t o meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Bad taste warning. Three disabled men enter a swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second has no legs, and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "SPLASH!" they are all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see the bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool where the head is. He dives down and rescues the head, where upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three f*cking years I have spent learning to swim with my ******** ears, then two minutes before the race, some bastard puts a f*cking swimming cap on me!"
There are 3 construction workers working on a new condo downtown, fixing the beams high up. Every day at lunch, the Italian, Portuguese and Canadian get together and have lunch on the 35th floor where they are working. Tony opens his lunchbox, and has a veal sandwhich. He says "If I get a veal sandwhich one more time, I'm going to jump off this building!". Fernando opens his lunchbox, and has chicken and potatoes. He says "If I get chicken and potatoes one more time, I'm going to jump off this building!". Fred looks at his peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. He says "If I get a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich one more time, I'm going to jump off this building too!. The next day, the lunch buzzer rings, and the 3 workers sit on the beam and have lunch again. To their astonishment, they have the same lunches again... Tony quickly says, "I hate veal sandwhiches!" and jumps to his death.. Fernando quickly says, "I hate Chicken and potatoes" and jumps to his death.. Fred quickly says, "I hate peanut butter and jelly!" and jumps to his death.. Shortly that afternoon, the police and coroner are called to the scene, along with the mens wives...who are all crying and screaming in disbelief. The police soon interview the wives and they answer sadly, "I don't know whats wrong with Tony...I made his coffee and veal sandwhich every morning before he went to work? He never complained" "I don't know whats wrong with Fernando...I made an espresso, and then his chicken and potates every day before we went to work? He never complained" Then Fred the Canadians wife answered..." I don't know what was wrong with Fred...I used to give him $10 to buy his lunch from the coffee truck every day " !!!
I don't know who these guys are but this is a howl!!! [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oX41T16j4EY&feature=relmfu[/ame] Chris
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million". "Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
This puts things into a much better perspective. Lesson # 1: * U.S. Tax revenue: $ 2,170,000,000,000 * Fed budget: $ 3,820,000,000,000 * New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000 * National debt: $14,271,000,000,000 * Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000 Let's now remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget: * Annual family income: $ 21,700 * Money the family spent: $ 38,200 * New debt on the credit card: $ 16,500 * Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710 * Total budget cuts so far: $ 38.50 Got It ????? OK now, Lesson # 2: Here's another way to look at the Debt Ceiling: Let's say, You come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.... and your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings. What do you think you should do ...... Raise the ceilings, or remove the ****? Class Dismissed ..
Interesting fact: Most of the world doesn't know that the Italians were the first country to attempt to put a man on the moon in 1968; unfortunately they did not make the full journey............... They ran out of scaffolding.
Lucas, that's the best. old, but good. I havent heard that one in a while. I used to just put Portuguese instead of Italian
We were at the bar last week having a drink He pointed to two old drunk guys siting across from us, he said, That's us in 10yrs I said .....that's a mirror you IDIOT !
The Movie Test , dont cheat and scoll down the page yet ! This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Movie Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below. Cheers ! Movie List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story Now, ain't that something.....? What movie is your favorite ?
