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Come Join my new Religion

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by writerguy, Mar 11, 2004.

  1. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

    Sep 30, 2003
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    Otto
    Simple explanation here... I wrote this but we can't use it due to Advertiser considerations (bloody censorship) so here is the text of a column i can't publish in the magazine...

    So what church do you go to….?
    Jim Muise

    I have been asked this question a great deal since moving to Dallas and my response of “none of your f*****g business” just has not been winning me any new friends. So in an attempt to have a standard quick comeback that will somehow keep the nosy church ladies at bay, and limit the overt offence people seem to have when I get testy I started answering “Evangelical Agnostic”.

    When pressed with “I don’t think I have ever heard of that one…” I explain that Evangelical Agnostics go forth spreading the word of doubt.

    My bad.

    Shot another one over the heads of most folks.

    I do get many confused looks but it just does not seem to be enough to keep the recruitment off the agenda. So in an attempt to solidify my base I have decided to create my own religion. The Church of Utilitarians, the Evangelic Agnostic and Devine Futilitarian Utility.

    In short we are “Utilitarians”.

    Sounds impressive doesn’t it? Sounding impressive is half the battle.

    Religions, in my opinion, have always seemed a little too controlling. Lets face it the whole idea of organizing a religion is partially for the fun of the organization. The Utilitarians are the first DIS-organized Religion.

    This way we don’t have those pesky issues with personalities and power politics where one group starts to dominate and dictate the agenda. Simple really.

    Growing up I always found the Ten Commandments too be too intimidating so the Utilitarians will have the ten, eh, (shrug) suggestions.

    Ten - eh, (shrug) Suggestions
    1. As the first disorganized religion keeping anything Sabbath is encouraged and the active co-opting of other religions holidays is paramount. Not only Christmas and Easter but think outside the box and go for Yom Kippur, Hajj Kwanza and anything else you can find. By law if you subscribe to the ten eh (shrug) suggestions you can get a mulligan for almost any day you want to claim to be sacred. Just don’t abuse the privilege.

    2. Its all Fun and Games until someone looses and Eye. Enjoy life live to the max or sit on your couch you make the call no guilt unless you are guilty. As long as you don’t hurt yourself or someone else in your pursuits it is nobody’s business but your own what floats your boat.

    3. As a evangelical agnostic it is your obligation only to question the truths of others and yourself. When you have it figured out let us know but be ready to deal with a lot of questions (hey its what we do… ok?)

    4. Surround yourself with things you like and do things you don’t on occasion. This if just for balance and after all none of us would get the bathtub cleaned otherwise.

    5. Try not to kill anyone. Seems like a good idea to me.

    6. Encourage those around you to question things too, but don’t be an ******* about it. If they choose to believe in an invisible man who has the free time to keep up on everything 6 billion people are up to at any given time, hey that is their business. If they try and get you to believe as they do, and especially in their specific interpretation of that belief, then they are fair game to be mocked. They started it.

    7. READ. Read the bible the Koran and the teachings of Buddha, Knowledge is power and ignorant person is easy to control. It’s amazing how a little knowledge is a dangerous thing but a lot of knowledge is a great defense.

    8. At least one day a month go and hide out on your own. Spend some time doing absolutely nothing. Call it meditation day or whatever you want. To steal an idea from Zen go and center yourself. Or go off-side yourself. Get out of the rat race and just be human.

    9. Respect your elders if they deserve respect. A war veteran who has sacrificed them selves so the rest of us can have and share our own opinions or someone who has done more for others than themselves gets a free pass on almost everything. An old crank that never had a good thing to say to or about anyone and is an elder only by age, does not.

    10. Drive like you stole it.

    With the Ten – eh (shrug) suggestions and following the teachings of Futility we can create the only religion with out that pesky Hypocrisy thing following us around.

    What, you may ask, would a writer know about creating a religion?

    Nothing.

    That didn’t stop L. Ron Hubbard now did it?

    I still think he got annoyed at the door-to-door “would you like to talk about god” people and started writing what became Dianetics, and from that spawned an entire religion. (scientology)

    For those who follow Utilitarianism there is no organization to support through donations so help those around you and the less fortunate on your own accord but any loose cash can be sent to the Church of Utilitarians, the Evangelic Agnostic and Devine Futilitarian Utility care of this magazine and I swear I will do good things with it.

    Cash only…

    What are you questioning me?

    Good.
    Welcome aboard
     
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  3. Brianjonesphoto

    Brianjonesphoto Formula Junior

    Dec 2, 2003
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    Brian Jones
    ROFLMAO :D :D :D

    This is a great take on religion.
     
  4. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

    Sep 30, 2003
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    Otto
    I take it you are in then...
     
  5. Brianjonesphoto

    Brianjonesphoto Formula Junior

    Dec 2, 2003
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    Brian Jones
    only if you change #10 to "Drive it like you stole it, but don't drive a Toyota, Honda, or an SUV" :D
     
  6. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Aug 3, 2002
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    Carbon McCoy
    i'm in...! This is PERFECT...!!!
     
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  8. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

    Sep 30, 2003
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    No preference on what you drive as long as you drive like you stole it...
     
  9. formula1joe

    formula1joe Formula Junior

    Nov 3, 2003
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    Joe Bennett
    Sign me up. I will not be attending meetings or making any donations. That sounds great to me. Now if I can only get my wife to sign on.
     
  10. Kds

    Kds F1 World Champ

    Does that mean all true believers will shower the leader of this "utilitarian church" with custom painted Toyota Prius automobiles as gifts to the exalted one ?

    You may want to consider a name change..............
     
  11. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

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    There are no meetings ;) :) :) :)

    But donations are not explicitly encouraged :cool:
     
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  13. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

    Sep 30, 2003
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    I am sure i could resale them to a bunch of tree-huggers out in Kanora or Banff
     
  14. Spasso

    Spasso F1 World Champ

    Feb 16, 2003
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    Han Solo
    Change the word 'Hide' to 'Drive' in #8 and I'm in. Also add to the phrase........"center yourself" the words, "in your Ferrari" ( or exotic car).

    DJ
     
  15. BWS550

    BWS550 Wants to be a mod

    Apr 1, 2002
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    BRUCE WELLINGTON
    JIM


    EITHER YOUR STARTING YOUR WEEKEND EARLY OR YOU ARE STILL ON THE SAUCE..GET SOME HELP, BUDDY :)

    BRUCE
     
  16. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

    Sep 30, 2003
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    Wrote this in 20 min sitting in a starbucks last sunday


    Thanks bruce
     
  17. BWS550

    BWS550 Wants to be a mod

    Apr 1, 2002
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    BRUCE WELLINGTON
    .....BETTER YOU WALK AROUND AT NIGHT WITH THE FLASHLIGHTS I GAVE YOU AND CARRY A BUCKET FOR DONATIONS..............
     
  18. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

    Sep 30, 2003
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    HAHAHA


    Actually the HEAD LIGHT thing chanting .....
     
  19. TSMIV

    TSMIV Formula Junior

    Jan 27, 2004
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    Robert Goodman
    Jim, I hate to break it to you but, MJ Hart started the first disorganized religion in the late 1980's. It was called The Church of Magic Johnson. While it was named after the NBA great, it has little else to do with him.

    It works some what like your religion except it does not have as many suggestions.

    It was started as a joke and actually caught on in some places like Wisconsin, Minnesota, and the Dakotas.

    If you wish to join you just claim membership. If you want out you just stop claiming membership.
     
  20. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

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    That is the beauty of it we don't hold exclusivity rites on anything or anyone. Ya wanna go join a cult as well... Good on you.

    Don't know Don't care
     
  21. TSMIV

    TSMIV Formula Junior

    Jan 27, 2004
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    Robert Goodman
    The church of Magic Johnson is a cult? I thought it was just a freaky take on Christianity.
     
  22. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

    Sep 30, 2003
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    Sorry Not taking the Church of Magic J out of context but if ya wanted to join the electric Coolaid or what ever you can remain a Utilitarian
     
  23. teak360

    teak360 F1 Veteran
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    Nov 3, 2003
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    Scott
    I'll start my own church, just for women:

    "The Church of THE Magic Johnson"
     
  24. wax

    wax Four Time F1 World Champ
    Advising Moderator

    Jul 20, 2003
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    Dirty Harry
    Hmmm.... the Religion I started a long time ago has the same basic precepts. I'm a Logical Progressionist.
     
  25. writerguy

    writerguy F1 Veteran

    Sep 30, 2003
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    Ah Tom.... Wanna merge them and become Logical Evangelical Progressionist Agnostics

    We can Go forth to Question everything and everyone....
     
  26. GrigioGuy

    GrigioGuy Splenda Daddy
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    Nov 26, 2001
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    Chris P. Bakon

    Or Logical Evangelical Agnostic Progressionists

    That motto is "look before you LEAP"

    Tillman
    (Reverend in the Universal Life Church since 1997 or thereabouts :D)
     
  27. Erich

    Erich Formula 3

    Sep 9, 2003
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    Erich Coiner
    Tell them you are a Matress Methodist.

    It means you spend Sunday mornings in the sack :D
     
  28. Mitch Alsup

    Mitch Alsup F1 Veteran

    Nov 4, 2003
    7,662
    You could call this church:

    The first church of the gooey death and discount house of worship: where today for only $3.95 you can make a $5.00 contribution to HIM.

    Stolen from some shock comedian from the early 1970s--name unknown to me; from the album "One sacred Chicken to go"
     

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