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COURTROOM BLOOPERS...

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by darth550, Jan 20, 2004.

  1. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,648
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    BCHC
    Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
    --------
    Q. What is your name?
    A. Ernestine McDowell.
    Q. And what is your marital status?
    A. Fair.
    --------
    Q. Are you married?
    A. No, I'm divorced.
    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
    --------
    Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
    A. My ex-widow said it.
    --------
    Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
    A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
    Cherney, and said he was really good.
    --------
    Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A. I will be three months November 8th.
    Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A. Yes.
    Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
    --------
    Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
    A. I should be.
    Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
    A. Four times.
    --------
    Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
    --------
    Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. Before or after he died?
    --------
    Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
    A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
    --------
    Q. What happened then?
    A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q. Did he kill you?
    A. No.
    --------
    Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
    --------
    Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
    you go to?
    A. Oral.
    Q. How old are you?
    A. Oral.
    --------
    Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A. She is my daughter.
    Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
    --------
    Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
    victim?
    --------
    Q. ...and what did he do then?
    A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
    --------
    Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
    A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
    --------
    Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
    with respect to your scalp?
    A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
    Q. It was covered?
    A. Yes, bandaged.
    Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
    A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
    of my head.
    --------
    Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A. I could see his head.
    Q. And where was his head?
    A. Just above his shoulders.
    --------
    Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
    defendant?
    A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofa***** - and
    she did!
    --------
    Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
    A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
    --------
    Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
    instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A. The victim lived.
    --------
    Q. Are you sexually active?
    A. No, I just lie there.
    --------
    Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
    --------
    Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
    witness, You too were shot in the fracas?
    A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
    --------
    Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A. It indicates intercourse.
    Q. Male sperm?
    A. That is the only kind I know.
    --------
    Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
    --------
    Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

    __________________________

    DL
     
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  3. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,647
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    ROTFLMAO...!

    i've read things like this before, but never these... These are great... i wonder if Bill or Art or John or any other attorneys have stories like these... Funny stuff, Darth...
     
  4. Oceanic815

    Oceanic815 Formula 3

    Apr 30, 2008
    2,053
    Central Oregon
    Ha! funny stuff. Makes me kind of wonder what they teach at law school.
     
  5. SefacHotRodder

    SefacHotRodder F1 World Champ

    Dec 20, 2003
    10,918
    NJ
    Full Name:
    Chris
    Here are some dumb lawsuits for you guys:

    A New York small-business owner is suing Air France after crewmembers broke down the bathroom door and pulled him out in front of other passengers, fully exposing him. A smoke alarm had gone off on the plane, and they thought he was smoking. He is suing for $12 million.

    Kara Walton sued a nightclub after she fell out of a bathroom window and had her two front teeth knocked out. She won $12,000 plus dental expenses. She fell from the window, which she was using to sneak into the club to avoid the $3.50 cover charge.

    A Pennsylvania woman is suing a pharmacy because she bought a contraceptive jelly from them and got pregnant anyway. She failed to read the directions and ate the jelly on toast.

    A 27-year-old man was killed while rocking a vending machine that tipped over on him. The man was attempting to steal a drink out of the machine. Relatives in New York are suing for $400,000 in damages.

    A convict in Colorado sued for early release because, he said, "Everyone knows a con only serves about 3 years of a 10-year sentence."

    A restaurant in Philadelphia was sued after Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, slipped and broke her coccyx on a beverage that had been spilled on the floor. She was awarded $113,500. Not bad, considering she had thrown the drink at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

    A California woman sued a grocery store after she dropped a six-pack of beer on her feet. The woman was not injured, but she said that it hurt. She won the lawsuit.

    Carl Truman, 19, won $74,000 and medical expenses after he sued the neighbor who ran over his hand. His neighbor claimed that he did not realize Truman was stealing his hubcaps at the time.

    Chris Morris brought a suit against the state of Michigan for $1 million. Morris claims he caught a cold in the rotunda (a large, round room) of the state capitol building. He was there to observe an art exhibition.

    A Canadian man is suing a New York coffee shop after suffering what he calls damage to his manhood. His penis was pinched between the toilet seat and bowl when he reached forward for toilet paper. He is asking for $1 million to compensate for his "dire and permanent" injuries. His wife is also suing for $500,000, claiming her husband cannot perform his marital duties.

    A young Ohio resident sued his father for bumping into him with a lawnmower. The 5-year-old boy's case was thrown out.

    An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a party held for a guard who was leaving.
     
  6. GuyIncognito

    GuyIncognito Seven Time F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed

    Jun 30, 2007
    71,477
    my favorite is the guy in prison who sued himself for damages for committing crimes resulting in jail time. pretty sure that one got thrown out
     
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  8. Ducky355

    Ducky355 Formula Junior

    Sep 21, 2005
    465
    Oaks, PA
    Full Name:
    Matt
    In my limited court room experiences, I have seen plenty of bonehead lawyers.

    Not really a courtroom blooper but we were talking about this case in crim. pro. the other day.

    http://www.cnn.com/2008/CRIME/08/07/mayor.warrant/index.html
    PG County Swat team bust into the mayor's house and shot and killed his two dogs. Afterwords, they forced him and his mother-in-law to lay on the ground near the dogs dead bodies.

    They claimed that the dogs were a threat, but one story I read said they were docile labradors and one was retreating when it was shot

    Police say the couple appeared to be innocent victims of a scheme by two men to smuggle millions of dollars worth of marijuana by having it delivered to about a half-dozen unsuspecting recipients.
     
  9. consigliere

    consigliere Karting

    Sep 1, 2008
    244
    Beverly Hills, CA
    Full Name:
    Mark
    I was in court about two years ago in a rather mundane matter. All the sudden, in the pocket of my suit, my cell phone goes off. Being the good criminal lawyer that I am, and being ever loyal to my clients, my ring tone is the latest rap song from one of my clients. So, a few bars chime out, I'm trying to switch it off, and the judge is just chuckling. And, out of the blue, the judge asks, "Hey, isn't that ???? [naming the rap song?]" I busted out laughing and said, "Not bad, your honor. I'm impressed." It was a good, light moment between the judge and me, and he's always good for a laugh when I'm in his court.

    Another story . . . I was in court in front of a woman judge who is tough as nails. I was late and asked for a continuance, which I genuinely needed because the DA had not given me all the bad stuff (info) about my client yet. So, I asked for a continuance -- perhaps the 3rd one or so -- and the judge was very upset. I said, "Your Honor, don't kill the messenger. I'm just trying to put on a good defense here." She cracked a little smile, and I really gilded the lily, saying (in a real pour it on, Wally Cleaver tone), "Come on, Judge. There's no victim in this case. I'm the victim here. The DA's not giving me all the information she has on my guy." The judge just shook her head, kind of laughed, and said, through clenched teeth, "Alright, counsel . . . this is the last continuance. When shall we all come back?" I ended getting my guy 90 days in jail, which, in LA county, means you serve about 12 minutes, total.

    Court is always an adventure.
     

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